Young Writers Society

This poem is very sentimental, It could have been better if you focused on something good since poetry looks better that way and alot of feeling is given to it. For e.g:- The gushing wind, love, tea and hugs. The poem it self is beautiful and it is actually a peice which makes the readers feel your pain.
Well just so you know, I have been through the same and this brings back some bitter memories.
Disturbing work and thats the art, you know that you make the reader feel it.
Good job. I hope life gets better for you.

This poem is very sentimental, It could have been better if you focused on something good since poetry looks better that way and alot of feeling is given to it. For e.g:- The gushing wind, love, tea and hugs. The poem it self is beautiful and it is actually a peice which makes the readers feel your pain.
Well just so you know, I have been through the same and this brings back some bitter memories.
Disturbing work and thats the art, you know that you make the reader feel it.
Good job. I hope life gets better for you.

Ooooh, I absolutely love this! It's so beautiful! That's really all I can say. I wonder, do you really have these thoughts? If you do, then kudos to you! If you don't then that's fine. It shows you great sense of humor. I know it's not meant to be but I think this poem is really funny. That's just me and feel free to criticize me for thinking in the "wrong" way, or whatever that means to you.
Hahahaha! I can't help it. It's just so funny! Anyway, I absolutely love the way you think. You know only of this poem is really how you think. Keep up the beautiful work!
~Dark

There aren't many times when other people's art can inspire me to write, but this makes me want to put pen to paper and write something this bone chilling good. I am in love with this, it is so freaking good. It's just so creepy, and twist, and sad. You did a wonderful job, and I really cant wait to read more.

Hello,
I found this poem very disturbing, which I suppose was the intention and shows how well written it was. It gave me chills! The title worked well because it intrigued me and made me want to read the poem to find out what the narrator was done with. The first line answered that and the simple sentence conveying a simple fact could not have been more effective. I wasn't as keen on the next line because it felt a little cliche, but I changed my mind about that when I read "my disturbed music". That is the kind of beautiful phrasing that I wish I could have written! Unlike rbt00 I didn't have a problem with the second stanza- I think poetic licence allows a few unconventional sentences, especially when they get the message across in such a chilling and effective way. I also don't have a problem with your rhyme scheme- any rhyme scheme goes as far as I'm concerned as long as it adds to the message instead of hindering it. As far as I'm concerned, the rhyme schemed worked perfectly here.

There are just a few nit picks I have. The third stanza is one long question so the question mark should go at the end of the last line, after the first line you don't need and punctuationa and after the second you should have a comma. Also, in my questionable opinion, I didn't like ending with an exclamative. I would switch to a simple full stop. It's more resigned that way and brings the reader down to earth to face the reality of depression.

Overall, I thought you did a fantastic job on this and I can't wait to read more of you writing. I hope that you don't really feel the way the narrator in your poem does, and if you do you chould probably talk to someone you trust about that. Well done on a really good poem!

As far as my concern
It really doesn't matters if you rhyme a poem or not but if you are rhyming a poem then the format should be either
A
B
A
B
OR
A
A
B
B

And i felt this sentence made no sense at all

I want to choke,
while coughing up blood

You possibly cant cough up blood but as in a poetic way maybe you could write it but it should have been more of like
while blood coughing up..
It looks more poetic.
And also you need to capitalize your letters . That's a grammar mistake
Even This Sentence Does Not Make Any Sense At All...
The girl I show to all of you
And This Sentence ,
and done with life?
It could have been more like Im Done With life
That Question Mark..
Anyways Good Try! KEEP GOING

I related to this, not to long ago. I love this, the feeling is there, and it drew me in with the first stanza, especially:

"......
To slit my wrists,
......
to my disturbed music."

I used to be a cutter and it brings back the feelings of then, which isn't always bad.

My favorite overall stanza is

"Can't the world just see?
That I am done with this shit?
Done with the hate,
done with the love,
done with the pain,
and done with life?"

I think that everyone goes through this feeling and that you put it into words perfectly. Great poem, and I'd love to see more!

Hey, I'm gonna try and give a really good review ^-^

Well,first off I admit the poem drove me to my core as I have experienced some if not all of these things and I understand it. I love the way you express it but, like all works including my own, it could also be better

The entire idea is well shown, well expressed but I feel as if the vocabulary could be expanded. Like these lines
'I want to choke, while coughing up blood
and laughing at the sound of my freshly loaded gun'
The words themselves are incredible but since this is a poem(I don't pay attention to the rhyming and free-prose categories) it seems as if you could expand the vocab.
"I wish to suffocate, to regurgitate my(in italics) own blood
To experienced a moments joy at the sound of my loaded gun
Hear the barrel turn and wonder when my roulette will cry out in a single shot'
A rough stanza I know but see? Express it in gruesome detail that sends shivers down someones spine and makes them really think! This is simple, to the point and though I do like that sometimes I like jumping around and needing to figure the entire thing out. Maybe go back and forth if you wish.

I see no spelling mistakes myself but that isn't my forte, catching those mistake . However, the entire poem is good and I really did enjoy it. Message me if you ever want another reply