The look in your eyes doesn't tell lies
what you see is what you get they say
but what happens when you become the main source of her pain?
And everything you stand for becomes to hard to follow?
What do you do when she cries and begs to be forgiven
and you turn and walk away
Did you ever look back
to see the pain in her eyes?
It surrounds her like smoke
I beg you not to be bitter to the one’s who love you
because one day they won't be there
to hold you when you are dying.
No heart can bear it, flesh or steel,
when you left my world ceased to spin
The sun lost it’s fiery glow, the moon lost its shine
my words had no meaning
They say the pain lessens when time goes by
but it’s getting worse
possibly lethal
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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i like your theme, its a really nice theme and while your words are nice, the problem is that one line doesn't flow into the other. i'd suggest highlighting a phrase maybe, repeat it, emphasize some words and tone down the others. otherwise this becomes monotonous. "no heart can bear it, flesh or steel" that sounds good but the next line " no words can describe how i feel" takes away that emotion. see, the pain has been brought out very well but the reader doesn't 'feel' the pain. so try out with such themes okay, keep writing!
Overall a good poem, a nice-ish theme, and good prose. I'm no spelling bee, but you forgot to capitalize the I. I wouldn't mention it but it puts me of the poem, just a personal thing. Also, just a small matter of taste, but I thought the last line was a little weak. Try extending it a little.
Hope this helps.