Russian Roulette

This is my first review and I don't know much about reviewing but after reading some reviews i also agree
That some lines are getting more attention then the other ones.I liked how the poem started but it sould have been better if you had used irony of situation and suspense because when you read the first line
you automatically know how the poem will procede and what will be the end and another thing ,personally I like Rhyming poem so I would'v written it with a Rhyming scheme to maintain a balance in the flow.
I hope my review helped you.

Hi, Weather here with a review as promised

I really liked the concept and story you were telling here. It was alluring and had a slight mystery to it, which I enjoyed. I also liked the imagery you were working with here.

There are a few suggestions I'd like to make which may help improve your piece even further.

At certain points due to word choice perhaps, it feels like some sentences are very long, even if they aren't and interrupt the rhythm of the poem.

"But you're not really gone, if you're the one holding that gun."

Just a minor suggestion here but instead of "if" I would've found it more effective if the person was actually the one holding the gun, because by saying "if" it takes away the thrill for me as it could not be actually happening - it was slightly vague in my opinion.

"You would've been my saving grace,

but you're the one bringing me to my end."

This part was very good, I just had a small issue with the second line, I feel that it could be more powerful, perhaps instead of "bringing" and "end" use more powerful words e.g. Driving me to destruction... something along those lines.

"Wishing you would've seen my value when I was still breathing."

Words were becoming a mouthful here, maybe, "Wishing you saw my value while I was still breathing" ? But you are the poet.

Overall a very nice piece, Hope I was of help to you.


--Weather

Hello!
This is a lovely poem. I really love how dark this poem is, but it's not completely "abysmal". I use quotes around abysmal because sometimes, people go so dark that it becomes a cliche and you, my dear, have not done that. Congratulations.

I really loved some of the images that you had in here stuck out to me.

I really loved:
"Placement of funeral cards, and flowers"
Personally, think it would work better as
"Placement of funeral cards, flowers" but that's just a stylistic thing. It's very well done as is! You do quite a lot in this piece with it not being very long, and we really get a clear image of everything.
Good job, dear!

Hey there! Purple here to give you a review!
This is a very intriguing poem that immediately caught my eye. Just a few grammatical errors I noticed. "now that your gone." should be "you're". "But your not really gone, if your the one holding that gun." Again, both "your"s should read as "you're". Same thing with "but your the one bringing me to my end." 'Your' is a possessive word, for example, "Your dog bit my face off". While 'you're' is you are, for example "You're a wonderful person"
Other than the mistakes, this is a really good poem! Keep it up!
~Purple

Deadman here with a review for you! Audy hit most of the stuff, so I'll probably just touch up, and summarize some of the stuff she said. You really should read her review though it was really good. (You always make me look bad Audy!)

Okay onto your poem. Russian Roulette! I love playing...erm talking about that game. It's interesting to me that you have that as your title, but as I'm reading it's a bout love. It's really neat how you tied the two together. That had me interested right away.

Pros-
1. Interesting take on Russian Roulette.
2. Captivating.
3. Good description.
4. I could feel the emotion in the piece, and that's not something that always happens.

Cons-
1. Audy pointed out the whip needs to be wipe already.
2. "Placement of of funeral cards, and flowers," You added an extra "of" I could see it working if the author was stammering, but that doesn't happen in poems. So you should probably remove that.
3. I agree, with it being centered, it is making me pay more attention to certain lines than others.

Great poem really, I loved it. You've got great potential, and you've only made a few mistakes. I hope my review was helpful in the slightest bit. Until next time, happy writing!



Cheers,




Deadman XD

Hey BrittanyNicole!

My name is also my username, I like how we are both so simple about it c: So, enough intro, and I'll dig right into this!

Form.

Right off the bat, your form is playing against your poem. I do like how it looks kind of barrel-y, but I don't know if that was intentional and what you wanted to go for, or if many people are going to notice the shape of the poem. You know how a lot of times when you dress up in the morning, you are thinking about whether you should choose comfort over style? The nice, beat-up sneakers that fit perfectly to your feet -- or those strappy high-heels that are two sizes too small? This poem is putting on high heels too small.

When we read, we naturally move our eyes from left and scan to the right (or right to left in some countries! Or up and down in others), the point is -- with long blocks of text, we need a steady frame of reference that we can go back to easily. It's not only faster to read that way, it's also easier on the eyes. Centering text feels a bit uncomfortable to read, precisely because the starting points of each line is unsteady. Not only that -- but for example with left justified text -- you know each line is getting equal merit, they are each as significant as one another, they work together as a single team, a single unit.

With centered-text, you have some lines that draw out longer than others -- so even without meaning to - you are placing *more* importance to some lines, and less to others. So these lines here:

"Cause I don't care."

"Now that your gone."


"bringing me to my end"


"but they don't mean a thing" , etc.

they are highlighted to our mind's eye. Hmm. I don't know if they should be though. But this is your piece! What do you think?

Content

Immediately, I love the idea of Russian roulettes :3 I dunno, we might have that in common as well. I like the idea of the risk and the gamble of it -- it is taking your life by chance in the most literal way, it is scary and exhilarating and I'm always fascinated in learning why anyone would want to do it, y'know? So these are the thoughts I have going into this piece.

I think it's interesting to compare first love with a Russian roulette, as love also has some of those same qualities which I described - but it's not just love, is it? It can be anything, because I think what we're afraid of most, is not necessarily the ending of a relationship -- because I think that deep down we all know that relationships come and go -- I think what we're afraid of most is rejection, right? And it's really, really interesting to me that you use a metaphor of a gun barrel as the main idea in this poem, because we all have that power in each of us. We all point a gun at someone, and if we don't like a person, we judge them, or we reject them in some way, and that can really hurt the other person sometimes.

I think this poem focused a lot on the speaker being angry and defiant towards "you" -- the one holding the gun. And I think that the speaker is basically giving up, saying how she doesn't care, you've already pulled or about to pull the trigger. I think you've been true to those feelings of defensiveness and prickleness that we get when we feel like we've been on the short end of the stick of rejection -- but I challenge you also to go deeper. In being defensive, in saying that she doesn't care, is she not just trying to point a gun right back at him?

But what would the *ideal* scenario be in your mind? Hit me, and I'll hit back? Or I'll not care either way? OR -maybe- you can love the other person, even despite getting hit. Even despite having a pool of blood around you, maybe there's still hope in the speaker's eyes right before the gun is pointed, maybe she isn't scared, not because she doesn't care, but because she hopes and wishes that it he will truly see how much she cares? I don't know. Maybe, they *both* have guns, and they're *both* aiming at each other, and do they both shoot each other, or do they both decide to move beyond their differences? Is your speaker somebody who gets mad in the face of adversity, or somebody who, expresses their hurt, but manages to stay strong, and joke around at their own foolishness and still be friends?

Play around with the idea a bit more! Imagination is everything ^^

Grammar

Grammar is the key to writing, be sure to proofread. Look over you're/your and spelling. There were some places where you have one word in place of another, for example "whip" at the end, instead of "wipe" -- BIG change to the meaning there, huh?!

Keep writing though. You are off to such great ideas, I'd like to see what else you can do! And as always, if you have any questions or want to chat this one over, or have another poem for me, I'm a click away. (But you want to make the reader feel special when they read your pieces, so again I stress to proofread first! A clean copy is seriously a precious gift to readers :3)

~ As always, Audy