Has Faith departed
Love departed
Both stand in Blank’s shadow
She stands the same as yesterday
Peeling the Daisy’s petals
Each descends slowly
Kissing the grass beneath
Aging into ivy
“He made me do it!” she exclaims to
Boy
Boy stands the same as her
Only three states away
Daisy in hand
Feet covered in petals
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140,622 Literary Works • 673,562 Reviews
Hi, Brittany. Laure here for a review! This is a really interesting poem, I'm not just using that as a placeholder but as in this is a really interesting poem. Especially with how you've written it and how you conveyed it, if I'm not wrong. I'm guessing this is about a long-distance relationship though I'm not entirely sure I can only guess.
The imagery though subtle but in its own way is a beautiful one, the whole poem appears somewhat cryptic and literal in places to me. It is not necessarily a bad thing, but I found this a bit hard to understand. So perhaps give the readers some hint as to what is happening as a footnote?
Is Blank a person? If so, who is he/she? It seems very sudden to suddenly have something popped up, if not. Then, Blank should not be capitalized.
Same here with Daisy's, is daisy the flower? If so, it should not be capitalized. If not, ignore this.
I love these two lines, the imagery there is absolutely stunning! Is really beautiful!
I also love this ending, is very fitting to relate back to the girl through daisy petals and to the title, good poetry or any literary work should always to be able to relate back to the title.
Interesting and unique poem, I enjoyed reading this! Keep on writing! ^-^
-Laure
Thank you!
Hey! Retro here to do a wee review!
First of i'd like to say that you have some nice imagery here, like the bit about the ivy. I like what you attempt to do and how you've constructed the image. I also like the ending, i think it is about a long distance relationship. That being said i'm not 1000% sure if it is about that. I think potentially you could try and bring out the meaning more. Perhaps with, the same imagery ideas, but add more so it appears across a greater distance.
The other thing, the bit about the shadow. I don't really get what you were trying to say. For me standing in someone's shadow is not being as good as them. If this is about someone who has cheated on the other person then this is a really cool and quite unique idea to work into it, but as it was not overly clear then i feel as though your idea gets lost a little.
Also the line, 'He made me do it!' she exclaims to Boy. I don't get it in reference to the poem. Maybe, and this might just be me being dumb, but try and intergrate it more in the poem and expand upon it as at the minuite it is just sort of there.....
That being said i think this has great potential and you have some fantastic ideas.
Keep writing,
~Retro
Thank you!