which song should i sing for you?
i want to give you the good thoughts
that i get every time my ear buds
land in the canals. and i want you
to hear the happiness that spreads
so easily through my brain.
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138,161 Literary Works • 672,076 Reviews
This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!
With my whining about how it was so uneven with descriptions and dialogue in the last one, this one is actually good with balancing it out.
It would be suited better if you put a question mark after Uncle and a comma in between "Yes" and "Uncle" as it would flow smoother.
This was a clever joke with the "Care Bear" thing.
My main problem with this chapter is that it's using a lot more references than the last chapter to shoehorn in as many jokes as possible. And while it is humorous, you need to pace your jokes instead of just throwing them all into the story at once. If you make a joke every five lines, each time you make a joke the time after that, it'll have a lesser effect on the audience.
While it does have it's own jokes and doesn't completely rely on other things that you'll only get if you've read or seen, I feel like you could definitely cut down on the references for this chapter.
The whole thing just feels like you're trying to copy off someone else, to be honest. Some of the humor is semi-clever but overall I don't think this would hold up on it's own as a story. It doesn't really have a plot or too much conflict to it to drive the story. You try and make the voice too strong, in my opinion. So much so that it overshadows the rest of the story and "oh, opportunity to make a joke, let's take it!".
Have a great day.
Hi there, ElizabethLovelace! My name is Scarlett, and I'm here to review your chapter today!
First off, fair warning; I haven't read the previous chapters so I may ask stupid questions or have completely missed something that has already been explained. Bear with me, okay?
Upon first scanning this, it looks like a lot of dialogue and very little actual prose. I don't really have a setting beside the little location tag at the beginning. Where's the setting? From a better read, it seems you're writing from a narrative point of view? I honestly can't tell, but I'm not really a fan of it. Is this supposed to a script or something? If it is, it should probably be there. If not, then your writing style is definitely not something I recognise right now. It's not bad by any means, but it is difficult for me to focus on.
Seriously, this is some really awkward tense shifts in some places but some pretty good actual writing in others. It's choppy and awkward and really confusing to read. I would suggest you pick a tense and stick to it. All this inserting of first person, present tense outside of thoughts is not working in your favour. I honestly stopped reading about a third of the way through before I couldn't wrap my head around it. I don't know what you're trying to do with this writing style, but it really doesn't work.
I apologize, but I'm unable to continuing reading. I kept scanning it and other than the glaringly awkward tense shifts and some pretty awkward writing, it's actually got an interesting idea behind it. If you could clean up your writing style and resist inserting first person comments, this could be something good. I'm not really sure what advice I could give on how to fix these issues, so I think I'm just going to end this review here. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarlett.
Good morrow, Liz. Just working my night shift here, if you don't mind. I will start with saying that this is a somewhat confusing but simultaneously fun little chapter, that involve more bears and spy agents, but no bears with angel wings on a tightrope in hell. An unfortunate occurrence, but I suppose it's all for the better.
Before I get to the short contextual review, the highlights:
-"I’m not sure, that needs to be debated. Debate team, get on that or I’ll fire your asses in a Henry Blake way." I found this both jarring and simultaneously humorous. I think you should keep the spirit of this line intact, but maybe change the sentence to be something more like a thought rather than an order, because obviously the a) the readers are not necessarily capable of becoming a debate team, and b) calling to a nonexistent debate team might be distracting. Something along the lines of 'I should really hire some lawyers for that, they might know better--given enough cash, of course'. If you won't do that, I at least suggest remove the Henry Blake reference, because the word 'way' is repeated later on and it becomes repetitive.
-"Jim then coughs but the old man pays no attention and in an agitated way, snaps his fingers." Agitated way. See? Perhaps if you simply said, 'Jim then coughs but the old man pays no attention, mildly agitated. He snaps his fingers.' Or something along those lines.
-"Note my eyes narrowed for that last part if you couldn’t feel my death glare through words." See, this one I can't help but feel is breaking the fourth wall a little too much. Firstly, why are they glaring at the reader? Because they know everything? The reader could probably infer that, considering he is telling the story, so you don't have to tell us twice, and needless to say this line makes little sense. At least to me.
-" Al, a gigantic, black bear wearing something close to a Bond tuxedo...the bear answers in a British accent, just like Bond." I think subtle references are cool, references are cool, but overused references can be...well, overused. Its pretty obvious that you're alluding to Bond with Alvin the Bear, considering you named him Agent 700, so I think that both of these references are quite useless--however, if you like them, I suggest at least deleting one of them. One shoutout is enough.
-"“Care for a cigar, Bear.”" Care for a cigar, Bear?
-"“Government people, Uncle? That’s who this bear works for? That’s who you work for? I thought the Zymbisony family was always tied to EVIL. But now you work with a HERO agent? What the hell exactly happened when you sent me away?”" First comment: I love the name Zymbisony. It's like the name of a bison who learnt how to play Mozart. Second comment: How does James know that Bear is working for the government? Because that's how he got the information? Third comment: Wait, so whose on whose side and what is--okay, I'm a little lost.
-"“Exactly James. HERO’s greatest agent and leader heads the company owned by EVIL’s former best agent Mr. X.”" I feel like this is either my stupidity or the fact that it's a little difficult to infer what's going on, but who are we talking about here? The uncle or the bear? I don't think you've described the two well enough for the reader (or at least me) to understand.
Now, onto the contextual review:
As I said before, it is a little difficult to infer whats going on with thse new terms being tossed around willy nilly. Of course, show and tell should always be used, and a little mystery goes a long way, but if something dramatic relies entirely on the reader needing to know what's happening and whose side the people involved are on, a brief explanation is needed.
Other than that, there's this great atmosphere of Mr. Zymbisony Sr. that I can't help but adore. He comes off as the sort of man that would kill his own nephew easily, and you can almost smell the cigar off his words. Just great characterization.
Also, Alvin is pretty awesome too. His transporter was also very awesome.
That's all I have for now, because I'm not sure what else to say besides what I did in the highlights section. Great chapter, looking forward to the next one.
Signing out,
--EM.