rock the ages,
through the phone.
give them the motion
that will end all the lines
waiting on the street.
and then bring the gods
down into our hell.
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139,235 Literary Works • 672,520 Reviews
Look! No major grammatical errors! *confetti party*
Sounds like a somewhat sexually ambiguous boy band that would go to concerts with Pax and the Bowties.
Sorry I got to this relatively late, considering who else has come to the party. But just from reading this, I'm starting to think that I really, really am going to like this book. I mean, I had my doubts in the prologue as the idea seemed to be a bit too far fetched to work, but now looking at the humour I think this will definitely work out for me. I like how Mr. X is such a serious creature but is contrasted with the comical nature of the bears, who obviously should not be there but are. I can see the covers of the books now--Jim and the Bears.
Spoiler
Alright, so before my review gets a little out of hand, the highlights:
-"“Gerald, how many times do I have to tell you sugar not honey,”" Okay, first off, can I talk about how funny the name Gerald is to me now? Like, you could've called the bear Steve or Bob or Daniel, but no--somehow Gerald is funnier in this situation. Now, secondly: I think it would be better if you had the sentence come off as 'Gerald, how many times do I have to tell you? Sugar, not honey,' or something of the sort. Emphasising the sugar, perhaps. It reads a lot better in my brain that way, I suppose.
-"“It is already done sir. Project Caribbean is a go sir.”" Did you mean for the man on the phone to continuously say 'sir'? Because, as awkward as it sounded in my head, it was almost unintentionally humorous. If you didn't mean to do so, I think removing the first or second sir would be a good idea. If you did mean to do so, I think repeating the sir word a couple more times and lampshading it would also be a good idea.
-"“It must have been my imagination. Fetch the car while I put on my coat.”" I could imagine Mr. X being a little scared at this point, glancing about to check if the light was still there, but his straight-to-the-point dialogue made it seem like it didn't faze him much. If you had a short description of him glancing about, looking worried, maybe it would soothe my illogical senses more.
-"Little did he know it was not his nerves that sat in the darkness but Project Caribbean." GASP! SUSPENSE! DRAMA! SOAP OPERAS! Okay, but this was a funny line for me, whether or not it was intentional. I think, from a dramatic standpoint, you should remove this sentence because it sort of spoils the next episode of Jim, but again, it's sort of funny to me so I'm not sure if that was intentional. I think this line was more awkward than funny, though, so I guess I'd lean towards removing it.
Now, onto the Contextual Stuff!
I liked this chapter, I really did. I think this was one of those things I wanted when I heard about this book beforehand--something humorous and over the top involving the bears and their master. I'm still expecting a) a bear family dinner that goes horribly wrong, and b) Jim riding a tightrope on a unicycle in hell with two bears with angel wings on his shoulders, but that's for later. I'll be extremely disappointed if not even one of them shows up, but not surprised.
The beginning part had me intrigued, obviously, but I can't help but feel like you're not telling us why the author is a mystery interestingly enough. Like, it just seems like a boring statement when I say "I ain't gonna give my name because I want you to ask." I think you could've played with this a little bit more, exploring the mystery without actually touching on it--for example, perhaps the narrator doesn't comment on who they are in the beginning, but in the second or third chapter when the audience starts asking themselves "WHAT IN GODS NAME IS GOING ON WHO ARE YOU WHY AM I READING THIS" the narrator comments on it shortly, ie "Now, you may be shaking your head in confusion, if your head hasn't already exploded into smithereens at the possibility of their being bear telemarketers." Or you could try another path, like asking a question repeatedly every chapter in the beginning ie "Who am I, you may ask?" Leave the reader to think for themselves, you know? Don't just tell them they have to solve the mystery, present them with one and they'll decide whether or not it's worth finding out about.
Other than that, though, this was a great start to what I'm hoping is a great book. Good job, Liz.
Signing out,
--EM.
Hey! Just a quick review!
I would really to see the first paragraph as a prologue and just like put it before the Chapter 1 title because then I would really feel like the narrator was talking and saying everything on the page. I love when stories make the narrator's actual people having opinions on the characters and things. It's so funny and just it really makes me love reading xD
"Well not quite a genetic experiment but not quite your run of the mill, find in any forest type. " this sentence confuses me 'find in any forest' it sounds awkward and just weird.
I don't have anything else to say except that I love this and I think this will be the first novel I follow on YWS so pleeaassseee tag me! I love how short and funny your chapters are and the dialogue is perfect!
Ugh I'm in love,
Alice ♥
Howdy, lizzy!
I wasn't really sure what I was about to read when I found this chapter in the Green Room, but you pleasantly surprised me. What grabbed my attention from the very first paragraph was the promise of a Clue-esque novel, complete with butler bears and, at least as the prologue thing told me, wolves. For an idea apparently concurred in the depths of a word war, this is awesome. I love Clue, and I love animals, so I'm sure I'll love the chapters to come.
Alrighty, time for some critiquing. I don't really like the info-dump at the beginning. Most likely, the information in those first four paragraphs could be better sprinkled in as you go along. The peculiar nature of what you've proposed - talking bears posing as telemarketers, that is - might be a bit offsetting to your readers. I can tell that the whole "I'm the narrator" thing is really important, particularly for the humor and mystery aspect of your novel, so by no means should you not begin the book with that same first paragraph. I just feel like your readers might easily loose interest a few paragraphs in, when you rattle off a short history of the bears.
By the time we get to the dialogue part, I was especially interested because the conflict about Project Caribbean is exposed. We also got to see the butler bear in action, which was absolutely hilarious, especially with the honey. :p I would've appreciated a few more dialogue tags (like "the butler said") because at several points in the conversation, I didn't really know who was saying what.
This is so suspenseful! Who or what is Project Caribbean?! I must know! Therefore, you must write. Get the second chapter finished soon, lizzy, or else!
Keep up the awesome writing. If anything I said needs clarification, just let me know!
Thanks for the review. This novel idea was what I planning on using for CampNano before I had to drop out. I do have a couple of rough chapters. I knew this one needed some work but it was part of a review agreement with a friend. I'll probably fix up chapter 2 in a couple of days.
Thanks again.
Lizzy
For the start,I was really excited and it turned to be even greater than I thought it will be!
First if all,you had caught my attention with the short and simple tittle.
My story is tittle with a name of the narrator only ,also,so I understand what you thought there.
The plot is going smoothly.You did some explaination and I honestly did not get it all.You do not need to say everything.Mystery needed,after all.But it is really good for now!
I thought it will start like usual normal start.
A description of a main character but I did not see that at all which made me smile(maybe giggle).
I like the idea to add this hint of mystery like "Find for yourself."
It is really well written at the start!This is my own opinion,of course.
It is interesting how the narrator is somehow talking to the readers,making them go on with the story.Go on writing this way.The whole bears thingy confused me.
Now to the real deal:
Our story begins in Mr. X’s home so hold on folks.
(Starting with Italic text could be good.)
“Gerald, how many times
do I have to tell you sugar, not honey,” a gruff voice shouts from the shadows.
“Coming, sir.”
“What is it with you, bears? Honey in this, honey in that. Is there anything that you don’t put honey in, Gerald?”
“Honey.”
“What?”
“I don’t put honey in honey, sir.”
“Dial the laboratory up now, Gerald.”
“Of course, sir. Eight, eight, three, eight, four, six, eight, eight, three, four.”
“Hello? Hello? Who is this?” the voice from the end of the line calls.
“Give me the phone, Gerald. Hello. This is Mr. X. Excuse my assistant, he’s not good with telephones.”
“Oh Mr. X. I suppose that you are calling about the project.”
“Yes. When will it be completed?”
“It is already done, sir. Project Caribbean is a go, sir.”
“Good, good. I’ll be down at the end of the day.”
The telephone clicks against the receiver as an old man gets up. He starts towards a coat rack and then turns on his heel, craning his neck as his line of sight shoots up to the balcony.
“G-g-gerald. Did you see that flash?”
“What flash?”
“It must have been my imagination. Fetch the car while I put on my coat.”
And with that, the bear butler exited the house and fetched the car while the old man put on his coat. There was another creak and the old man thought to himself, it’s just the nerves from the project. Just nerves, that’s all. Little did he know it was not his nerves that sat in the darkness but Project Caribbean.
Punctuation only fixed to be honest.I did it a wait you can just copy the needed places.Hope it helps.