Shorter Adventures Into Time: Supplemental Diary Entry 1

by Brigadier

Published May 24, 2016

16+

In f.

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

From Shorter Adventures Into Time

Why You Should Never Have Lunch In A Lonely Coffee Shop

I remember in the first few awkward months after the accident happened. My family called it a miracle from God and they didn't know how close they were. My friends were just glad that I had lived and couldn't wait for life to restart. My ex-teachers were all hoping that I wouldn't have to come back to finish my last year of high school. All of the blessings and prayers and stuff was great but really started to conflict with my religious beliefs. To my family and a few teachers I was still a Catholic and to my friends and most teachers I was still an atheist. But John was starting to remember the crash and I couldn't let him do that.

No. Of course I didn't kill him. I was tempted to but I didn't. I should have been more specific about what I didn't want him to do. I didn't want him to go through the pain of remembering or passing the information to doctors along the way. They either would have deemed him insane or gotten the government involved. The last thing the MIIA needs is a bunch of agents pointing guns at us when they can't even shoot straight.

So on the first day he was realeased, I chose a coffee shop we had gone to many times before. It was crowded enough, that no one would shoot me but quiet enough so our conversations wouldn't be heard. I've inserted memories before but never to people whose health was well. Yes I gave my knowledge of the universe to Adam, Mike, Luck, and Gabe but they were already half dead when I made the decision.

Our conversation drifted from place to place but never landed on the accident. I was glad for this. I needed as long as possible to build up my confidence. I wasn't sure how much I should share, I was after all trying to avoid as much pain as possible. He didn't know what happened to me the first time. He didn't know of the pain as I was crushed and then slowly pieced back together like a puzzle. He was also spared from knowing how painful it is to first destroy everything that has ever existed and then re-create it.

Our simple chatting continued on until interupted by gunfire. Yes I said gunfire. This is New York City after all. John made no mention of it other than a joke.

"Perhaps the mob is after us."

An extremely normal human joke I didn't realize at the time.

"I wouldn't doubt if they were on my tail."

Perhaps this was the wrong response but his simple mind caught it as a joke.

"Why what did you do?"

This was the point I realized the joking tone had turned serious. In the exact second of laughter, I had touched his palm, transferring the info he needed to survive.

The coffee shop stopped breathing for a minute and then the silence was surrounded by gunfire and a door being kicked in. Turns out it wasn't the mob but the FBI. My friend continued to stare at two objects- myself and the group of FBI agents holding rifles.

Booths turn out to be really useful because you can hide and easily teleport while sitting there. I pulled a small pocket watch out of my pocket and placed it in his palm. I waited for the rush of air and counted down the seconds before the agents spotted us.

Their questions to the patrons were fairly regular.

"Have you seen this person?" or "Does this woman look familiar to you?"

I didn't dare look up as they continued around the restaraunt. I saw an young lady look to the agent and then stare me in the eye. This wasn't the time for a watch to be malfunctioning.

Then there was some bullets as the tornado formed around us and I'm pretty sure the lead agent hit someone. Those guys are really careless with their ammunition.

Finally we were out on the street.  But it was unfortunately the strong street, in the wrong city, in the wrong time.  The watch read out to me Chicago, 1929.  And I looked up to find another gun pointed at my head.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Lavvie
Review
Lavvie wrote a review Review · May 29, 2016

Hi there Lizzy! Happy Review Day! :D

This is an interesting story. I was definitely a little confused at first, but I have the feeling that I'm missing a large chunk of what is going on. It does not become any clearer by the end of the chapter, yet somehow I have the impression that this is going to be a really interesting story. Time-travel and agents and action? Fun!

There are a few things that I would like to bring to attention. First, I echo Yams' point that the beginning feels a bit more tell-y than it should. This chapter is already exceptionally short, so spending some time either with the beginning or even in the action part of the chapter would not hurt. I'm not entirely pushing you to show a bit more of the protagonist's time in the hospital, but I strongly feel that you really glazed over everything in the coffee shop. In other words, the narration is a bit disjointed. It's like as if the reader is reading everything through a not entirely translucent sheet and they're missing some information. Because of this, things feels a bit impersonal and I haven't been able to develop any sort of attachment to what is transpiring. Don't get me wrong; I am intrigued about what will happy in Chicago 1929 (especially with that cliffhanger), but at the same time I don't feel like I would struggle to not read on.

The big glaring reason behind the rather disjointed, impersonal narration is that you have taken your protagonist's matter-of-fact-ness a bit too far, I think. It can be almost humorous to have such a character, but if you do too much of it, sometimes things tend to feel more objective than personal. I encourage you to slow down, to allow your protagonist time to recount the past and experience their present so that the reader can develop some sort of personal attachment to them – so that they feel the urge to read on. All in all, I think you have a bit more "tell" than you should, a lot less "show" than is desired.

I have a couple of nitpicks:

My ex-teachers


I think "former teachers" sounds better and looks nicer.

"Why what did you do?"


Be careful with grammar. "Why?" should be a stand-alone question and "What did you do?" another. Don't forget the proper interrogation marks!

Overall, I think you have something quite unique at your fingertips, but you need to slow down to give yourself time to properly layout the plot and especially focus on characterization. It's a slippery slope by providing so much expository on the get-go, so be careful of that, or else you risk alienating your readers. Let me know if you post any more!

Best,
Lav

User avatar
Virgil
Review
Virgil wrote a review Review · May 29, 2016

Yams here for a review!

In the first three paragraphs it feels kind of weird that the narrator is just telling us the whole beginning of it instead of showing us and is kind of just rambling on to the audience. I both like and hate how this chapter is set up. Nothing really happens until the end of the chapter but it does build up to it a little bit.

This leaves everything in mystery by the end of the chapter and cliffhangers are evil but I do think it was well executed in this work for a first chapter so someone will want to read more of this. I'm assuming this has to do with time travel by the end of the chapter and the rest of the chapter feels kind of weird now.

I think it was a nice choice to have the backstory set-up to be already established as the main character seems to know how to time travel already and isn't a complete novice to the situation.

I'm interested to see what's going to happen after this and what's going to happen next, so I might keep reading.

Overall this felt kind of scattered but it also feels like the second chapter is going to explain most of what's going on in the story. I liked the set-up for the next chapter and the weird tone of it being calm.

Have a great day!



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote