Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Chapter 4
The air continued to swirl for a bit and just as Alvin was about to curse at the techs, he landed. Actually he did curse at the teleportation technicians but that sort of language isn’t appropriate for the book. As he landed James started to stir but quickly passed out once again. It’s always easier for the agent when he doesn’t have to hit the suspect himself.
He stepped from the teleport tube and looked into the hall. It was crowded as usual with agents bustling about. Some of high ranking positions, other simple field agents. It had been weeks since he was here last and the mood distracted him. The time was passing and he was forgetting an important mission. His thoughts swirled as much as the air before he snapped out of it, realizing the time.
Al started to walk down the hall, still clutching the seemingly lifeless body in his hands, when he was stopped by a scrawny old man.
“Agent Bear. Perfect timing indeed,” said this scrawny old man with thin wire glasses and lab jacket.
Bear knew how Professor Harding’s greetings went. A call of the name, a hint at a request, and then trying to strike up a casual conversation. This all came for the Professor’s actual request of some simple service.
“Professor Harding. How nice it is to see you once again.”
There was a tone of annoyance in his voice for this happened often enough. It was tiring but he did try and understand the old man.
“The same old chap, the same. How was New York?”
He thought to himself in an almost funny way, Here we go again.
“It was good sir. I have a meeting with Ms. X in a ten minutes and I really don’t want to be late.”
“Of course. You wouldn’t want it to be like the last time.”
The conversation took a sudden turn this time and Bear turned as well. He dropped James to the floor and his paws grabbed at another target. Within seconds he had grabbed the Professor by the collar, oblivious to the stares of passing agents. He could hear the gasps of the old man trying to breathe but he couldn’t let go. No, not for what Harding said. He had turned up such old, painful memories and there was no way Bear would let go.
“Agent 700, put that man down immediately,” a voice shouted from the darkness.
This voice was feminine but still strong and commanding. The agents in the passing halls quivered at this voice that they had heard so few times but even then that was enough. The voice that matched a body never seen within the walls of her own home. Let’s just cut to the chase and say her voice was associated with the fear that would make Jack Ripper crumble at her feet.
“Ms. X, I didn’t see you there ma’am.”
“Maybe that’s why I’m the best agent in the world.” She pulled a communicator out of her pocket and the tone remained the same. Calm but strong and commanding as always.
“Get medics down to level 5, there have been an incident.”
This message was answered and she abruptly turned to Agent Bear with a look of anger in her eyes.
“What were you thinking Bear? You are already in a tense situation. Do you really want to be assigned to a desk job for the rest of your life?”
“But Ms. X, wha-”
“Come with me. We need to talk.”
Alvin suddenly remembered Jim the accountant slumped on the floor. He hurried to pick him up and rush to the elevators. Ms. X was already halfway there, just waiting, probably thinking of what to do next. They then walked together to the elevators, Ms. X of course going first and Agent Bear following.
“What level Miss?” This request came from the elevator operator.
“Garden Level, Agent Munk.”
“Garden Level it is Miss,” Agent Chip Munk repeated while selecting the correct button.
End of chapter
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139,240 Literary Works • 672,520 Reviews
Hello again, Miss Lovelace! Scarlett back to review!
Okay, so after chapter 3, I'm glad to see that the first-person commentary is mostly gone. That's much better. I can actually read this without getting distracted or side-tracked by them now. Let's get right into it!
Are you breaking the fourth wall here? Because if you are, you seriously just broke my immersion. I'm sorry, but I don't feel like breaking the fourth wall is something that can be done very well in a novel? (Except in, maybe, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy but we're not talking about that right now, so shhhh!) I am mildly amused by the seemingly off-hand comment and I can see you've got this down as humour, action/adventure. Alright, then.
This sentence is awkward and you could probably make it two sentences. May I suggest;
"Al headed off walk down the hall, still clutching the seemingly lifeless body in his hands. He was stopped by a scrawny old man." ?
That second paragraph didn't need to go on a new line. It would be fine if you kept this all as one paragraph, like so;
“Professor Harding. How nice it is to see you once again.” There was a tone of annoyance in his voice for this happened often enough. It was tiring but he did try and understand the old man."
Also, "tone" should probably be changed to "note". "Tone" makes the sentence awkward--for me, at least. If you want to keep "tone", you could change the sentence to "There was an annoyed tone in his voice for this happened often enough" or maybe even to "There was annoyance in his voice; this happened often with the Professor". It adds just a little more voice to your character.
Should be;
Missing a comma here after "himself".
Comma needed after "good".
Well, that was rather...abrupt. It goes from pleasant conversation to suddenly assaulting an old man? What the hell? I can see hints at distress after the fact. It's just a very abrupt shift, and you could have set this up better. I'm not sure how, so I'm probably not going to be help here now.
Again, this could all be one paragraph. I might do this with it;
And the you ruin it a little with the off-handed comment you slipped in at the end. *sighs*
I would change this to;
Much better, yes?
This is a little awkward. I don't think you need the "and" in there. Perhaps "She pulled a communicator out of her pocket, her tone remaining the same" would work? Or maybe even; "She pulled a communicator out of her pocket, her tone remaining the same; calm but strong and commanding as always" ?
I would make this two sentences, so a full stop after "5" instead of a comma. Also, "have" should be "has".
Needs a comma after "level".
Needs commas after "is". Like;
I'm assuming you're continuing on from a previous chapter, which would explain my confusion as I haven't read chapters one or two. I noticed you use "this" a lot when you should probably be using "the". It makes the chapter read awkwardly, and again, your writing style is weird? I am definitely not a fan, but it's your writing style and you're entitled to it, so I'm not going to ask you to change it. Except to ask that maybe you should stick to one tense because you slipped again, especially by adding those off-hand comments. That works for Deadpool, but not for this. XD
Okay, I don't have anything else to say now. Remember; keep it up and never stop writig!
~Scarlett.
@Ellstar
Are you going to be a pain about this? I mean I'll tag you every time a chapter comes out but that will probably be ever two weeks or so.
YES I WILL BE A PAIN ABOUT IT
also tags dont work here i dont know why
TAG ME BRUH
Spoiler
well they do now
You didn't report to me about this new chapter coming out. Or at least, I didn't know it was out until I saw a review for it. Well, now's the time for me to review it because YEAAAAHHAHAHAHAH
What? I said a bear in a tuxedo, didn't I? Are you suggesting Bear Grylls isn't enough of a bear? Please.
Be glad I didn't send you a picture of a hairy gay man in a tuxedo.
(also as I promised, a bear in a tuxedo.)
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Firstly, the highlights:
-"It had been weeks since he was here last and the mood distracted him." Just a syntax preference, I think you should change 'here last' to 'last here'.
-"There was a tone of annoyance in his voice for this happened often enough." 'Had happened often enough' seems more appropriate in this setting.
-"“Maybe that’s why I’m the best agent in the world.” She pulled a communicator out of her pocket and the tone remained the same." Honestly, unless Ms. X is known for bragging every five minutes, I don't think her telling the reader that she's the best agent in the world is appropriate or humorous. Don't get me wrong, braggers can be intimidating--for example, if a mass murderer is bragging about how he got his gun for a good price, that's intimidating. But it's not intimidating because he's telling the reader that he's scary. It's intimidating because the reader sees that he's so desensitized to his own violence that something as innocuous as the price of his gun is more interesting to him. That's a scary person to be around. But if Ms. X is supposed to be an imposing figure, her coming and telling everyone directly "I'm the best agent in the world" isn't the best way to introduce her. It's like a fifteen-year-old saying "I'm the best fighter in the world." People will roll their eyes and say "Where's the proof?"
I suggest either replacing that line with more subtle dialogue that hints at Ms. X being one of the more high-ranking spies in the world. Imagine her simply rolling her eyes and saying "Don't point out the obvious, Bear," or "You're not the first person to say that, Bear," or "I suppose that was the point, now, wasn't it?" Something frighteningly nonchalant.
-"“Get medics down to level 5, there have been an incident.”" There has been an incident.
Now, the substantial portion of this review:
This is going interesting places so far, but I think you've stumbled a bit on Agent Bear's sudden outburst. As much as I like what it's hinting at, as it doesn't directly tell the reader Bear and the Professor have a history, I think it came out a bit abruptly. The explanation beforehand suggested that the Professor was nothing more than an annoyance, so it only makes Agent Bear's characterization a bit off when he suddenly pounces on the Professor. There's no evidence of him being angry often, so this has to be an important incident. But at the same time, the way you described the Professor doesn't seem to justify the assault, so the reader is left a bit confused as to what's happening.
Other than that, there's also the characterization of Ms. X. I think I already said what I needed to, but otherwise I'm excited for where things are going. The spy situation looks fun and eventful, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Till then,
Signing out,
--EM.
Hey there, yizhongt here to leave a review. Let me just say that I enjoyed this piece of work. I must note that I haven't read the earlier chapters. That being said, I still got drawn into the story and wanted to know more about the characters. I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter, but first, I'll be checking out the earlier chapters.
I didn't find any sort of grammar or spelling mistakes while reading through the piece. The chapter also flowed smoothly. On another note, I get a sort of James Bond/ Get Smart vibe from what I have read so far.
Good job! Keep up the good work and keep writing. Can't wait for the next chapter.