Prologe: "come on tommy you don't wanna miss the seal exhibit" A kid said. "Okay billy Tommy followed the voice and found the seal exhibit. one seal caught his eye. The tip of its tail was light blue. Right behind the seal exhibit was the lion exhibit.
There was a loud roar, followed by a huge explosion. The lion had escaped and was breathing fire everywhere. The lion looked at tom and was about to roast him when the seal shot a new ice beam at it. Everyone was shocked to see a fire breathing lion and a frost breathing seal.
The lion ripped the seal's fins off. The lion threw the seal back into its exhibit, before jumping in to deliver the killing blow. Tommy slipped and fell into the exhibit. The lion looked at tommy and charged up a fire blast. At the last second the seal got up to tommy and blocked the shot. The seal fell over dead
. A creature pushed out from the seal. It was shaped like a cone and had legs at the back of it. It was calling to tommy who picked it up and it absorbed itself into his skin. The lion clawed tommy's leg.sending him flying. The parasite gave tommy a huge brain freeze. Tommy's left arm turned to ice. Tommy was freaked out. The lion charged tommy. In fear tommy raised his arms up to defend himself. An ice spike came out of the ground and froze its leg. Tommy pushed the lions' head to the ice causing it to melt the water with its fire. The lion fell in the water.
Just then a purple gas covered the audience. When it cleared everyone was asleep. A bunch of people in black and white suits came in teleported everyone except Tommy. Tommy woke up next to a man in a black and white suit. "Where am I" tommy asked. "we found you next to a lion. Apparently you have a parasite in your skin called an iceling.
It doesn't seem to have any negative effects. So if you want we can teach you how to use your powers and you can become a part of the men in black youth program." Tommy thought about it for a long time. He would be leaving his family and would be put in danger.
On the other hand if he didn't the world would probably find out about him and attack his parents. "I will join you" Tommy said. "Very well" the man said before picking Tommy up and throwing him into a small pitch black jet. when tommy went inside he realized that the inside was much bigger than the outside. the room felt very circular like a plate. tommy let out a shocked gasp as he realized what it was, A UFO. "Welcome to Area 51 kid" the men in black said as he drove
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
FantasyWriter76, the author of the evergrowing Bard's Ballad story, am here to review this story! So get ready to get reviewed!
Iceling presents a huge modern worldbuilding element. Saying our world is not what it seems. The plot can introduce many interesting setups for conflicts regarding if the secret breaks out, and everything gets political and such is, you know what I mean.
But the biggest problem present in this story that has been noticed by multiple people and will be addressed by me is the ridiculous pacing of the story. If this story was a driver, they'd be going a 150 in a 20 school zone! Step off the gas, and ease us into the plot. Also, random capitalization and punctuation. It can really be classified as nitpicking, but it should still be noted.
And that's my review of Iceling, it's surely a story with potential, but potential alone can't justify how the story really is. So maybe work on your literary works, until then, I'll have to give this story a 3 UFOs out of 5
Severely Noted. I will edit this as well as I can
I feel glad that you are interested in the story and don't want it to fail. I will try to edit this as best I can
Hello, Steggy here for short review!
So, right off the bat, an epilogue is something that goes at the end of the book when the whole novel is ended. In this case, this part of your work would be the prologue. However, a prologue in most cases is much longer and provides a thorough background as to what is going to happen, especially when it comes to providing the setting or introducing a key character of the story. Another thing you should consider doing is making this a bit longer because like I said, you want to include as much detail before the actual beginning happens. Also, you should be careful about capitalizing the beginning of sentences and important names.
Your action parts of this piece seem to happen really fast and usually, when you have really fast scenes, the reader can't picture what is going on inside their head. It is best to look up resources for action/suspense scenes or read up on some books that can help. I think what you could do even is give a bit of a description of what each character looks like because that'll help both you and reader have a better image of what they might look like.
Another thing to consider is when writing dialogue, it should have its own paragraph because when someone is reading it, they aren't able to see which is which (basically the talking bit or the actual writing).
The creature bit, as I mentioned before with the action bit, can be a little better. You could always plan ahead for writing novels! It helps a ton for figuring out the plot lines and what is going to happen in the future, and you could even use it to figure out when characters are being introduced and all.
Overall, this could use some work. You have a nice idea that is going on but I want some more detail. It'd be nice to know what is happening and why it is happening. If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
I agreed with you 99 percent of the read. However one thing that seemed odd to me was the fact you said that the action was really fast. To me there was barely any action in this to begin with. 1:Tommy saw the seal with a light blue mark on its tail. 2: a fire breathing lion that "conveniently" showed up when tommy went to the zoo. 3: The seal saves tommy. 4: the seal gets its fins ripped off and was thrown into the exhibit. 5: tommy slips into the exhibit. 6: the seal saves tommy and dies. 7: tommy gets powers and kills the lion. See what I mean. In my opinion "fast" fight scenes have to have both enemies be equally matched. This is not the case here. This is more like what would happen if an actual lion were to fight an actual seal.
on second thought now that I think about it this story could use a bit more pacing and better descriptions.
Hi there!
This is a really unique origin story, to say the least! Are we ever going to find out why there was a fire-breathing lion and ice-shooting seal at this zoo? Or is that a mystery forever?
I agree with LittleFox, though: you've got a lot going on here, which makes it hard to keep up with! One thing that would help would be to separate this into several paragraphs instead of one big paragraph. Just doing that makes it easier for readers to follow along and keep track of what's happening.
Then, instead of only describing the fight blow-by-blow, try setting the scene a little more. Of course there's this bizarre fight between a fire-breathing lion, an ice-blasting seal, and Tommy - not to mention a freaky ice-power-giving parasite - but how does Tommy feel in the midst of this? Is he frightened? I mean, I know when he gets the parasite you say he's "freaked out," but what does a freaked out person act like? What does he feel like physically?
This is the difference between showing and telling. Most of the time, you want to show. Instead of saying "Tommy was freaked out," try to show us what "freaked out" looks like, feels like, sounds like, smells like, tastes like. Showing involves the senses. What happens when Tommy is freaked out? Does he yell and scream? Can't say a word? Do his hands shake? Does he feel cold?
Details like this will slow the scene down a little, allowing readers to catch up, and they'll also make things more realistic (even though what's happening is some crazy sci-fi stuff!)
Write on!
BlueAfrica
Hello, Littlefox here for a review!
Looks like you've got a pretty interesting story started!
However, there's a lot that happens here in a very small amount of time. I think it it would help the flow of the story a lot if you slowed down a little here and there. I understand it's happening fast, but as the writer you can slow parts down a little with a bit more description. Also most of your sentences are petty short. Variation in sentence structure really helps the way things flow, so don't be afraid to add in some more complex sentences. It also really helps to read what you've written aloud and see how it sounds.
Hope this was helpful! Keep writing!
-Littlefox