So... I wrote a poem. And I don't care that it's not capitalized. It's staying that way. Comments are appreciated. Thank you.
_____
curled up at the window sill, ghosts—
each a small piece of you—
fall from parted lips and
rest on the glass just a brief moment,
before then they die once more.
how many more breaths can there be?
you can pull the blanket tighter,
but this is the kind of cold that
doesn’t really go away.
looking outside,
you feel as though you could
sit there forever. the vague reflection
of the ghost that hasn’t died quite yet
slowly changes, like the plates under our feet.
and the world changes at a different pace,
as fast as it’s automobiles and it’s airplanes;
faster than one man can reach another.
yes. you could sit until the end of time.
but in the end, you know life has been wasted
and a life not lived is a life no more.
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Hello there Bittersweet. This was a beautiful poem, but it was confusing. Especially at the be beginning, I feel as if I'm reading a few separate poems. In other words, your flow wasn't very nice.
Also, there were some parts where I felt as though you were trying to decide whether to compose this piece in prose or poetry, as some lines were fragmented and written poetically, such as:
But you have other lines which look like they could come out of a short story such as:
It was a good poem, and I didn't find anything else wrong with your poem. However, I do have one last note.
You don't have to be jerk about it. There are some people who don't understand that you can break the rules once you know them. I'd calmly explain that to those people.
Anyway, good luck
Hey there, Holianthus!
Keep it up.
My deepest apologies for not reviewing this sooner. I quite enjoyed this, Holly.
I would reword the beginning-- it sounds like the words are uncertain and the interjected 'ghosts' seems a little bit displaced. I'd go for something more like small pieces of you because the 'each' is a lagging word and if you interjected the ghosts after this, it would sound better.
The 'looking outside' part is too narrative for this; I'd say ditch it, because it seems a bit unwarranted and ruins the flow of the poem. You can the same thing without it, dear.
I agree with Jas about the ending; go for a more original approach, because this poem deserves it.
Two thumbs up and a gold star for the nice work. Tres enjoyable, Holly.
June
This was a great poem! It was so deep it took my breath away. It was inspiring and people in that kind of situation would feel encouraged and would really grow from reading it. Keep up the great work!
Hi,
This flows nicely. I love;
"you can pull the blanket tighter,
but this is the kind of cold that
doesn’t really go away."
I'd change;
"looking outside,
you feel as though you could
sit there forever"
because it's a bit bland/cliche.
I really like;
"faster than one man can reach another."
I'd change;
"yes. you could sit until the end of time.
but in the end, you know life has been wasted"
because they're cliche and make the poem end with a loss of the power other lines had created.
This was an interesting idea, and an enjoyable read overall.
Hope this helps.
Jas
It's a beautiful poem. I really loved reading this.
Is the "then" in the last line intended to be there?They die once more doesn't seem like the right line. It destroys the imagery of the lines above. A description of the way the mist fades from the windowsill will strengthen the image.
I certainly like the idea above. But the change from your description of the slow disappearance of the mist to plates beneath your feet was abrupt. I can't quite get the feel of the stanza above unless I separate it from the rest of the poem. It's not that it doesn't seem to work with the poem, it's just that I think your transition into it was rough.
I loved reading this though. And it's a sentiment I hold dear. I hope to live life in full.
Keep writing,
Knightly