Okay, I edited it a little and added another stanza. It still needs more work, though.
______
The oceans were
once painted gold,
full of hope and wonder.
What has happened
to the golden seas
that we all once knew?
In its place is blackness;
a slick oily mask
hiding the blue horizon.
What ever happened
to the azure skies
that we all once knew?
The dark crept over
our rich world.
A shadowy monster
swallowed it whole.
Our home seemed
lost to us forever.
But there’s a glimmer
of the long forgotten gold,
and it swims strong.
Maybe there really are
blue skies.
Maybe there is hope.
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Lovely concept to write about. This is a really good poem. Although, I must say that the feeling of hope it should be giving at the end of the poem was rather weak and unconvincing. But perhaps you wrote it in that manner? The maybe gives it so much doubt you see. It doesn't degrade this poem in any way. It's just that if you were invoking hope then the maybe would destroy it.
It's also something to do with the length of the last line. It's so short that the statement on hope feels rather cut so, the hopeful feeling comes out really weak. I'm not sure if you meant it to be that way or not.
Word choice is lovely by the way.
keep writing. this poem is great.
--Knightly
Hi There!
Here's your review:
The oceans were
once painted gold,
full of hope and wonder.
What has happened
to the golden seas
that we all once knew?
Great Hook!
In its place is blackness;
a slick oily mask
hiding the blue horizon.
What ever happened
to the azure skies
that we all once knew?
I don't think your choice of adjectives was great here. I wouldnt have used oily or azure.. especially oily though.
But there’s a glimmer
of the long forgotten gold,
and it swims strong.
Maybe there really
are blue skies.
Maybe there is hope.
Good end but I hated the last line. The repetition of maybe drove me nuts and it sounded so unoriginal... maybe that's just me though.
Overall, sweet little poem!
8/10
- Tennis
sorry for the horrid review.
Hey Holly! It's June,
I think I already expressed to you how much I love this poem. I really, really do-- it's so beautiful, and so touching, and overall just... great.
I would not add anything to this. The rawness of it that was mentioned above makes it "real"; it makes us feel the reality and of the situation, and it makes it easier for us to visualize what you're speaking about.
I really don't have anything to say about this; there's no changes to make here or anything. It's a crisp, brief, and clean poem. Well done; I loved it. You captured our attention at the beginning and sustained it throughout the poem.
June
Keep it up!
Holly,
You have a very strong poem here, but the main problem with this is that the change from Stanza 2 to Stanza 3 is much too abrupt. You go from telling us that that world is black and dim, and suddenly tell us that there is a glimmer of light that can finally light it back up again. The idea is good; it really is. But the execution didn't work out too well.
Those were just my general comments.
-
Anyway, as I was saying, the change between the 2nd and 3rd S is much too abrupt, but it can be fixed! Instead of just telling us that 'maybe there is hope', tell us HOW the hope came to be. Tell us about the flickering candle of the world, debating whether to extinguish all together or overcome its obstacles and become an engulfing 'forgotten gold'. I think us, as readers, would be much more interesting to read about how hope can come to be in a cruel and dark world than learning that there merely is hope. Get what I'm saying?
You've done excellent with this so far. Just expand, you know?
-Jared
Holly,
You have a very strong poem here, but the main problem with this is that the change from Stanza 2 to Stanza 3 is much too abrupt. You go from telling us that that world is black and dim, and suddenly tell us that there is a glimmer of light that can finally light it back up again. The idea is good; it really is. But the execution didn't work out too well.
Hi there!
Overall? I loved this poem. It's great. I like how it was short; you didn't waste words trying to drag things out or explain things. Like Music said, it was raw. Raw makes it real, and the truer a poem is, the better. It's easier to connect to it that way. The flow and rhythm were fine, though I thought some of the breaks with the lines were little abrupt. However, the message and imagery in this poem make it beautiful, which over-powers the abruptness. Gold star for you!
Hiya, Bittersweet. I'm reviewing you (it's kind of obvious by now), and my name's Music. Nice to meet ya. On to the poem. Hehe.
As erratik noted, I thought it was very raw. I liked this a lot. I write a lot of short poems, and I appreciated (for lack of a better word) this one. Its descriptions were wonderful; I'm glad you used "azure" instead of "blue".
While an extended version would be nice, I don't really see the point of one. I think what needs to be told is told in the poem, no matter how raw or abrupt it is.
Good job, overall. Gold star for you!
Love,
Music.
i would call this a really good raw beginning. The description is fantastic and such: but the theme seems too shallow... its a good one, and the metaphor fit it really well, but because its so general I think it needs to be elaborated on.. You have the what, but you are missing the how and they why... which are a lot of the time more important.. so maybe u could look to extend it a little..
And also don't say 'azure blue' its just unneccessary to have them both
i think you could also benefit from changing the repition of 'azure' its a lovely word sure, but repeating it can drain the effect. 'Cyan' is a good one for blue, and its light like azure...
p.s i love 'the slick oily mask' . Its my favourite line for sure!!
Really nice, I'd love to see an extended version though
Brendan