Strip me of my leaves and
I am nothing.
Barren, my branches hang in shame.
You’ve made a spectacle of me,
naked and rooted to the ground.
I shiver, unsheltered from the
obstreperous wind.
The snow makes itself a cozy home
on my ever-drooping limbs
And you’ve stranded me here,
for I cannot move, I cannot progress
in the way of mankind.
At once, I thought that
you had given me all I could need.
I could stretch,
closer, closer to better lands,
while the rain seeped under my feet
and made me feel alive.
But while I grew, the world grew.
I watched the clouds—with their
soft chameleon underbellies—crawl
up the sky, day after day.
And I watched the people go by,
never ceasing.
Dreams soon faced Reality
(Reality always wins the battle);
I would never move as they do.
Perhaps you put me here to tease me,
to watch my misery grow.
Yet still, I cannot hate you, even in
all of my misfortunes.
For where would I be without you?
How could I have seen the happiness that
I have seen?
Edit: no, I was not raped, if that's what you're thinking. xD This is about something entirely different.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Holly! As I said in chat, your poem is really good!
In this stanza I get the feeling that you are angry at someone.
Or Maybe you're angry at mankind as a whole? Or certain people which poison mankind? I'm probably way off, but you know...
There's hope in the world! That's good.
The world growing? Could this poem be set in far off times?
This is my favorite line! It gives a second to let something else out, instead of the dreadful mankind as before. Plus I agree that unfortunately reality always wins the battle.
In the first part are you talking to god? And in the last part you seem to have a revelation about happiness! Yay!
Those are my thoughts Holly. It's a beautiful poem! Much better than I could ever do!
Okay, lets begin by saying, this is really good. But I promised a review so I'll do my best to help you. Now understand this, the poem it begins too aggressively, it begins too sudden, which makes it come down as aggressive, and from what you say, you don't want that, as it appears you forgive them.
My suggestions are:
You strip me of my leaves.
Barren, my branches hang in shame.
You’ve made a spectacle of me,
naked and rooted to the ground.
I am nothing.
And due to this little change, we have the poem beginning less agressively, and building up the theme of it.
The word you chose for this, I understand why ya did, it's an obtrusive word, but with the rest of the woman, it doesn't fit (I am Yoda LMAO) sorry. Anyway, find a smaller word for same meaning, because no offence, but it's contrived and seems forced, as none of the rest poem fits it.
I think we came to the same problem here, same swap over needed.
At once, I thought that
I could stretch,
closer, closer to better lands,
while the rain seeped under my feet
and made me feel alive.
you had given me all I could need.
Actually scrub that, I like this stanza, full of beautiful and wonderful imagery.
PERFECT!!!! Had to be said.
Okay, now i think after this stanza above you should end, because the point has been made now:
It just seems stuck on, delete it and end with the stanza before, it's great ending and leaves the reader and or reviewer guessing, which is good. So just delete it.
This is a good poem though, and though it has some errors, it's pretty fantastic, I love the imagery of it. And the unique title choice. But I had to be harsh, as it's my shtick. XD
Anyway, hope this helped.
VSN
Hey Holly!
Wow, this was really really beautiful.
I especially like this stanza. Chameleon underbellies, lovely word choice.
The only thing I have to complain about this poem is this stanza. I think it messes up everything. Everything is so beautifully written and then you read this. It just doesn't fit, so I'd either nix it or make it so that it flows with the rest of the poem.
Other than that, wow, just wow, I really liked this.
Keep writing,
~ Angel
P.S. Gold Star
ehhh...it sucks that something like that happened..i suppose...but forgiving people is always the best choice...in my opinion..yoou don't need to give them the same trust but you can always forgive...
other than that..nothing really...