I’m forever moving;
pirouetting across the world.
Tiptoeing over lives,
I sing idyllic melodies.
I sing crashing refrains.
Through a sea shell you can hear me,
ringing in your ear.
Though you don’t listen.
I tear down your castles;
strewn across the ground.
I watch you build them again,
a flag waving in the wind.
Who is the flag?
You or the castle?
My children,
I will whisper you to sleep.
I take you in my embrace.
But don’t stay for long.
Mommy doesn’t stay calm forever.
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139,650 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
It's not everyday you see something like this. At first, I was unsure of what you were talking about -- but the sea shell was one of the greatest clues you could give, and I give you major praise for that.
I would have never thought of that, and it reflects your imagination.
Absolutely loved it.
The poem is absoloutely beatiful with a simplicity that adds to that.
I love your personification of the ocean.
And the title really drew me in.
Honestly, I don't really understand any of the technical side of poetry, so I won't bore you with attempts, but it really was a beautiful and dramatic poem.
It was very emotional. I love it. But I would make it a little longer. Sure, it is short, but I thought it was wonderful. I know this is a short review, but there isn't really not much to talk about. That is good for you. *Sighs*, I suck at writing. Ha ha.
Hi Hozzie, June here
.
I agree with JareBear there; your poems just radiate awesomeness.
Let's take a look:
See, here, you're using present perfect tense by using ing on the end of your word, ja? So, it's a slight throw off to have you end that line with a period, and then change the tense in the second line, dearie
You can do a slight variation by using pirouetting across the world in the second line, dear
Anyway! So. I'm probably looking too deeply into this or not deep enough, but I can't actually tell what the message in this is?
At first, I was thinking hope, you know? Like, hope is often associated with like, castles and whatever, but! On second thought, I changed my mind? xD
Is it the sea? Or, is it life? XD
So, anyway, sorry for the lame quality of this review, and the confusingness of this review, but I can honestly say that I can't think straight right now.
'
But! Your rhythm here was excellent; everything about this flowed perfectly together, Hozzie, well done. *gold star*
<3 June
Holly,
I like your poems. They are simple, yet they hide an underlying message that I think you want the world to hear.
The rhythm in this is amazing. I love it when I read a poem, and I can tap my foot to the beat of it, just like I do when I listen to a song. That's what makes a good poem; it needs that toe-tapping ability, and this has it.
I'm thi8nking the last two lines in this stanza break the flow, so make them a couplet of their own--seperate them from the other lines.
I really enjoyed the last line. So, I really don't have any other comments? Besides that it flowed nice? I'm no good with poetry; I just thought that I would point out a few of these things for you.
It's a great toe-tapper.
-Jared
this was sweet. i liked it a lot. it had so much emotion in it.....