catching wind,
slender fingers reach out,
grasping everything and nothing.
curling over like dead men: five fallen.
this smothering air you breathe in;
you live for the unobtainable.
yet it’s always moving around you,
for it cannot leave. it will not leave.
it fills you up,
and it pushes you away.
your foe is your friend.
Love me.
it plays with your hair,
spiraled strands twirled around it’s finger.
such intimacy.
against it’s perpetual trickery, you are helpless.
you need it to survive.
stretch ‘til your bones ache.
it’s always with you, but never there.
catching wind,
slender fingers let the gusts weave through them:
this skilled basket-maker,
these pretty words.
it’s presence is made known,
and you’re aware of it, pressing at your every corner.
knocking on all your doors.
Let me in.
you have it.
but that’s not enough.
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139,649 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
(Ach, I'm such a lazy critic.) I apologize in advance for the general-ness of what follows.
I just really want to say that I love the use of italics throughout this poem. People underestimate formatting. It really made the necessary words hit harder, words my mind may not have otherwise stressed. It also worked very well for separating those capitalized command-type phrases. Very nice.
I feel the poem starts to drag -- to fumble around the point, if you will -- in the middle, after "Love me." But it picked up again and finished strong. I like the feel this poem has. I find it very physical and it has a nice dizzying sort of impact, if that makes any sense. It could be stronger if a little more concise. I found myself passing over some words and turns of phrase that didn't really add anything. I'd suggest you try to bring that feeling you want to convey down to more concentrated essence. I know that isn't very helpful and doesn't give you any specifics. Sorry about that. I really enjoyed this poem, so... keep writing. =)
Hi, Holly! You might want to check Writing Gooder today...
Anyway!
So, I read this poem once, and it didn't stick out to me as outstandingly unique or anything, but, there was something I really enjoyed about it.
To be honest, I think there were a few extra words that stuck some deadwood into the picture that we didn't need, dear. Like, this! I would just-- if you'll allow me...
See, icky little things like this have the supreme ability to detract awesomeskin points from a poem! For instance, you could easily replace that last line with unwilling. I'm usually against the change from demanding and informing to questioning-- it's kind of ridiculous in some places (not in this poem, honestly) because it is such a dramatic change. We don't really need it.
See, some may differ, but questions like "What's the point" are to be asked by the reader, Hollianthus. So! I would eliminate deadwood pieces and questions, and with a brushing over, this will be excellent.
Nevertheless! Writing Gooder may tell you how much I enjoyed this. Also! You've been reading Kylan. I know it.
Keep writing!
June
Very well written. I cannot find any flaws with this piece. The lines didn't trip over themselves, the rhythm was appealing, and you just made sense! My favorite part:
That is what poetry is about.
Hey, Hollycakes! ~ Here as requested. :]
After reading this through once, I think that there was a lot of repetition. Even though it's good to stick to one specific message, I feel like you said the same exact thing over and over again in different words without adding anything or changing anything up. For example:
&&
I thought your opening lines were beautiful -- you started with something so strong, but rather than keeping with that beautiful imagery, you resorted to simply stating the same thing over and over again. That's okay -- that's the main message, but you need to flesh out the meaning.
Besides that, some of your stanzas lost the poetic feel and became much too narrative, like this one:
This was kind of just stating facts and saying it in a way that it seems more appropriate in full lines with regular capitalization, like part of a story. To make it more appropriate for a poem, try giving imagery of the intimacy, or evoking the feeling of love indirectly. There are so many ways to do this -- form, rhyme, diction, simile. Experiment with bringing it out rather than stating it explicitly.
And finally, I don't understand the purpose of the italicized words. I feel like you have another layer of meaning that you wanted to add to the concept of grasping at the wind -- some back story or something -- but you never got around to inserting it into the poem.
This will need a rewrite, Holly. You have to condense it and focus on the meaning before creating the words, now that you have the meaning. :]
PM or IM me if you have any questions! Love you~
-Hannah-
Hi Boyfrand,
Gonna give this one a general critique rather than a line by line because I think that's what it needs most.
Alright, the flow. There is none. In the beginning, maybe the first three and possibly four stanzas, you do have some sort of a river bridge that the reader can cross without too much difficulty but that quickly breaks apart and devolves into a a series of choppy words and useless phrases. When one wants to take a walk, one keeps putting one foot after the other until the movement is like a liquid current to whatever destination, faster and faster, smoother and smoother.
This poem of yours, however, is like walking five steps, stopping uncertainly, then walking five more steps, stopping uncertainly, etc. Around halfway through it makes the reader want to howl out in frustration and tell you to get where you're going already, because you're taking much too long.
Keeping the reader interested has just as much to do with your flow as anything else, and you're quickly losing ground here. Every idea doesn't need it's own line. "Never in your grasp, never willing" and "you are helpless, you need it to survive" don't need to be split up into multiple lines just for the sake of it. Stop overcompensating for the suspense and pointed idea shift that line breaks bring and start using other techniques to do that.
Some parts are either cliches or have the scent of someone who's trying to talk about things they either don't understand or don't care to explain. "Grasping everything and nothing, you breathe in." Hmm...what? Poetically, sure, it's possible to grasp everything and nothing at the same time, but you never go further into this so it sounds as if you're making a pseudo-philosophical comment and running away to another concept immediately. My guess is that it has something to do with the stagnancy between the hill of life and hill of death, but you should elaborate.
"Moving forever around you" is another one of those odd phrases. You must have meant something by saying "forever", but don't just leave the reader hanging off of a rocky ledge. Delve into it.
Overall, this poem is too shadowy-personal-like and does not visibly relate enough to the reader to make him care. It also sounds immensely boring and pointless, especially from the middle on. However, this perception has to do with what I pointed out above, so if you fix that, then maybe it would automatically draw the attention more.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
This is beautifully written. I love the fingers grasping at "everything and nothing." The only thing that bothered me the slightest bit was the "What" in "What are you against it's perpetual trickery?" The "What" kinda stops the flow of the poem for me, but that's just nitpicking. Other than that, i think it's a REALLY GOOD poem.