Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 1.4 • Young Writers Society

Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 1.4

A/N: For some reason the chapters are ordering weird on the side (I've tried changing it in edit portfolio but it didn't work), so here's chapter 1.5.

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Just as the door to the helm opened, Chip’s comms unit vibrated. He looked around the helm, at the flight officers staring at him, and contemplated just ignoring it in favour of the appointment waiting for him. Instead, he sighed and clicked the answer button, moving a few steps into the room.

“What’s the matter?”Chip spoke through gritted teeth and his arm was tense as it held the comms unit on his wrist up to his mouth.

Spiders, Chip! But it was Margo. Chip sighed again, his shoulders slumping. The last thing he wanted at this particular moment was for his chief physician to be calling him about the spiders. Margo went on, They came out of the CMC with these tiny particles on them … which look identical to the ones I found on Officer Gerry McCaw – the ones that look like flies.

Chip didn’t say anything. His conscience tugged him back towards the door and he groaned as he tried to resist it. He would be so much more use here, if he could talk the other ship out of whatever they were doing. The screen was blank at the moment – the pilot had explained that the other ship had sort of put itself on hold until they heard he had arrived. But if Margo needed him … and he had forced those spiders into this mess ...

Chip, are you alright? Margo’s voice was loud and panicked, shaking Chip out of his limbo.

“Yep, I’m coming,”he replied. He held up a hand to the chief pilot to apologise and mouthed that he would be back as soon as possible.

She gasped and shook her head, staring at him, as the screen at the far end of the room buzzed with static and then blinked into a picture. Somebody must have alerted the other ship’s crew to Chip’s arrival at the helm.

“Tell whoever it is that I have to -” Chip cut short what he’d been about to say to the pilot as his eyes focussed on the screen. He took a few slow steps towards it and with a tremble in his voice said, “Lezeki.”

The face of the wasp that looked down at him filled the entire screen. It was black with bright yellow patterning covering its centre. It also bobbed up and down, which made sense, given that its owner was likely hovering in the air. It belonged to Lezeki Edlan, a wasp that still occasionally haunted his nightmares, or stopped him from getting to sleep at all.

How could this – why was this happening? Why him?

“So you’re back to wreak havoc on us then?” Chip crossed his arms and tried his hardest to sound commanding. But that was the whole problem, of course. He’d been too weak to keep Lezeki in line and he’d ended up leading a mutiny against him. Why did he think he’d be able to intimidate him now?

Lezeki scoffed. “That’s up to you … Captain Puccoon.”

Chip rolled his eyes and tried to stop his fingers shaking. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. You hate me. You lost because enough of the crew stood behind me and you ended up in trouble with the humans - how’d you get to being the captain of your own ship from there, by the way?”

Lezeki raised one eyebrow, which was a hairless yellow and black ridge. “Really, that’s your opener? You wouldn’t rather know how I’m about to destroy the most vulnerable members of your crew, or how you might be able to stop it?”

“Uh …” Chip’s jaw hung open and he gulped as he closed it. So much for his one strength being as the face of the ship. He closed his eyes and felt like he could feel the cogs of his brain turning. “I … wouldn’t have expected you to want to get straight down to business. As far as I can remember, Lezeki, you go in for drama. I thought you’d want to tell me all about how you rose epically from defeat.”

Lezeki grinned. “There’s not much to tell other than that the humans are so desperate to get rid of us that they put me on the first ship they could find. This captain was much less … resistant than you, and here I am!”

Chip really wasn’t sure what that meant he’d done to the captain of his new ship but before he could ask he heard the doors bump open behind him.

“Chip!” a voice shouted as he turned around.

Treego Dart had just leapt into the helm and was rapidly jumping towards him.

“You weren’t answering your comms channel.” Treego was panting and his blue and orange skin somehow managed to seem flushed.

Chip glanced down at his blinking comms unit, which he hadn’t even noticed beeping.

“What is he doing there?” Treego’s eyes were wide as he looked up past Chip’s shoulder, presumably at Lezeki.

“Treego, what are you here to tell me?” Chip asked. He wasn’t going to get his priorities mixed up again, especially not in front of Lezeki.

Treego dragged his gaze down and said, “The spiders. One of them is in the sickbay and the others are refusing to go back in the gap behind the wall. But the one who’s in sickbay, Kernik, is awake - just woke up - and she told us what she saw. It’s hard to explain, sir, but there’s a big clump of … something – the fly-like particles, she thinks… stuck in the circuitry. We have to get rid of it.”

Chip looked at him, then turned round and looked up at Lezeki.

“So you put something in the ship before you were dragged off …?” Chip tilted his head to the side, feigning mild curiosity but actually feeling the hammering of a racing pulse.

Lezeki shrugged. “A master villain never reveals his secrets.”

Chip glared at him. Then he said to the pilot, “Flicktail, put his feed through to my personal comms channel.”

She nodded at him. Chip gave her a solemn thumbs up, then scooped up Treego. He really was starting to feel the cold now, so he took a deep breath and started barrelling towards the Conditions Management Centre.

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Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

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Mon May 01, 2017 2:31 pm

Rydia wrote a review...

Hi again! I have a long train journey today so I figure I can get two chapters in and pretend I totally did them yesterday and reached the goal of five a month

Specifics

1.

He would be so much more use here, if he could talk the other ship out of whatever they were doing. The screen was blank at the moment – the pilot had explained that the other ship had sort of put itself on hold until they heard he had arrived. But if Margo needed him … and he had forced those spiders into this mess ...

Its been a little while since I read the last chapter but I didn't remember knowing that the ship is to blame for any of this? Maybe you could be more vague with your wording here, like, '...talk the other ship out of any hostile actions.'

2.

“Yep, I’m coming,”he replied. He held up a hand to the chief pilot to apologise and mouthed that he would be back as soon as possible.

You're missing a space and I also think this isn't urgent enough to pull him away from talking to the other ship. He hasn't been told that the spiders are going to die in the next few hours or that they're suffering any worse than the parrot. If he even slightly suspects this other ship is involved then his top priority should be making contact with them and asking what they want. He can send for a report on the spiders and the strange particles and send scientists/ smart animals down there to be working on it. A captain should be wherever he can do the most good/ prevent the most harm and talking to the other ship is definitely above anyone else's pay grade.

3.

“Tell whoever it is that I have to -” Chip cut short what he’d been about to say to the pilot as his eyes ~~focussed~~ focused on the screen. He directed his next word towards that. With a tremble in his voice, he said, “Lezeki.”

Overall

So it's cold at the moment? Are different parts of the ship different temperatures or is it fluctuating all the time? I think you need to describe it more throughout the chapters so we have a better sense of which places are cold/ if it's a fluctuation thing. Once you've established that you can go back to mentioning it just every now and then but it would be good to have a clearer idea of what the issue is first.

I find this chapter a bit hard to believe.I don't understand why the wasp wasn't just killed or at least thrown in a cell by the humans. We would never send a person back out on a ship just because they were irritating so why do it with a wasp? Mutiny is generally considered one of the highest offences you can commit because people in authority are terrified that anyone who tries to usurp authority once will never be happy with where they are. It can get you life in prison and certainly gets you banned from places like the navy/ army for life. I see these ship crews as a kind of similar system of ranks so you may need a better reason for how he got back on a ship.

Other than that, I think the chapter flowed well and you had plenty of plot advancement so good work!

~Heather

Points: 304
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Wed Apr 19, 2017 2:43 pm

MissGangamash wrote a review...

Here again!

Nitpicks:

'He would be so much more use here' - so much more 'useful'?

'It bobbed up and down, which made sense' - I don't think the 'which made sense' is needed. Maybe just 'It bobbed up and down as it hovered'.

'Lezeki raised one eyebrow, which was a hairless yellow and black ridge.' - how big is this wasp? Has the camera just been zoomed so he looks big enough for Chip to notice his facial features or is he a huge wasp? Like the sparrow wasp or something? I also thought the same with the spiders. It would help if you specified what type or spider. Tarantula? Daddy long legs?

The human side of this story is really intriguing me. Are these animals really special? Because if a wasp was causing havoc and ruining whatever the humans are trying to do, I would assume they'd just squish it instead of packing it off on another ship. Surely they'd know if Lezeki attempted to take over one ship, he's just do it again?

Again, writing flows well and there's enough going on in the story to keep the reader wanting to read on.

ExOmelas says...

I've gone back and forth on whether Lezeki should be normal size or not but I've decided he's normal size. I'll specify that the camera is zoomed in.

I didn't think I'd have to specify this but maybe I do... The reason that we kill wasps at the moment is because they're morally insignficant. You're not killing a sentient being. I guess there's a case that they ought to have just imprisoned him but I really don't think they could have just killed an alive, aware being. They shipped him off because they don't want to bother dealing with him, but that's going into human attitudes that are developed later.

MissGangamash says...

Your version of humans in this are a lot nicer than the humans in the real world, haha. Animals and incest's are sentient beings and we kill them all the time. Hell, we kill people all the time for a lot less than them trying to take over a spaceship. I'm glad your version of the human race is more considerate but I still feel it was a stupid move to put him back on a ship...

ExOmelas says...

Hm...this could become quite an interesting question. I highly contest that animals are sentient beings. Like, they don't have self-awareness, they don't have thoughts, they don't have memories - just instincts. This is how I justify not being a vegetarian.

Obviously we do kill each other a lot, but we (or at least many countries) don't have the death penalty. Again, punishing Lezeki would have made sense, but it will make sense later why the humans just want the animals as far away from them as possible.

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Sun Jun 26, 2016 1:27 am

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ScarlettFire wrote a review...

Hiiii Bisc! Scarli here to review your work today. I want to apologize in advance for anything I miss and for asking stupid questions that may have been answered in previous parts (and for typos, of which I'm sure to make a few). I'm on my phone and won't be ready parts 1 to 3!

Well, let's get to it. I'm going to start with nitpicking! Bear with me, I think this might take a while. XD

This is good;

He glared into those amber eyes, those minuscule, beady, amber eyes, his jaw set and his arms trembling.

But it's a little awkward. I would suggest changing it to something like this;

"He glared into those amber eyes--those minuscule, beady, amber eyes--and set his jaw, arms trembling."

Sounds much better, right? Of course, if you don't like it then feel free to disregard this!

"Yes, Rudy," Chip murmured, "This is indeed a wasp."

You don't need the comma are murmured. I'm pretty sure that should be a full stop unless he's continuing a sentence, which he appears not to be. If he is continuing a sentence, then that capital T needs to be lowercase.

Chip had turned his head to take in the miniature form of Rudy; now he faced back toward the screen and let out a long, shuddering sigh.

I think this is actually two separate sentences. If I've got this right, that semicolon is technically correct but it makes the sentence reaaaally awkward. I suggest trying this;

"Chip had turned his head to take in the miniature form of Rudy. Now he faced back toward the screen and let out a long, shuddering sigh."

I feel like this is much better to read now.

You could also do this;

"Chip had turned his head to take in the miniature form of Rudy, but now he faced back toward the screen and let out a long, shuddering sigh."

Again, this is much better. You're free to choose whichever you like better or not at all. After all, these are just suggestions!

"The name's Buzzer now," rasped the only voice in the galaxy that a dodgy comms channel would alter in no discernible way.

I love this sentence, by the way. It's humour at its finest! (If it's not meant to by funny, I apologise but it's truly one of the best sentences I've read so far!)

not a man!" Lezeki yelled, shattering the tension, "And neither are you. You don't belong with these people, Puccoon. Come, bring your ship across the asteroid belt and join me."

That capital A needs to lower case. ^^

I'm going to stop my nitpicking there and turn my attention to other things. Like the story, for example. It's really good! I quite enjoyed reading this and seeing all the different character dynamics and whatnot. It's very well written despite a few minor issues that I've already pointed out. ^^ I really like the characters. I feel like they very well developed and consistent. I know I've only read one chapter, but I feel like I have a good idea of your writing style. And I like it. Ochon's sacrifice is really sad, but so is "Buzzer" taking Chip's sister. My, oh my. How is he going to get out of that one?

I couldn't see anything else, glaring or otherwise. I hope this review help! Remember; don't give up and never stop writing!

~ Scarli.

ExOmelas says...

Cheers, Scarli. I'm aware of my sentence structure going a bit loose at times, so thanks for helping me see where

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Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:39 am

Carlito wrote a review...

Hello and happy review day! I apologize that I haven't read the previous installments, but let's get this out of the green room!

I don't read humor a lot, but when I do I expect it to be really silly. I definitely felt the humor vibe with this but I was surprised at the kind of intense edge it had as well. You did a nice job of keeping the overall tone light and fun, while also keeping the plot moving forward with exciting action. I also can't say I've ever read anything featuring monkeys as the MCs (let alone monkeys on an aircraft) .

Overall, I think this is a pretty strong piece. I really appreciated that you included lots of narration and description throughout your dialogue so you didn't have talking heads It makes the characters feel so much more real and alive. One little thing - I'm not sure why little sections are in bold or if that was intentional or not, but they don't need to be in bold.

A couple of small things to think about. First, I had a bit of a hard time following all of the characters and knowing who was who. I'm sure a big part of that problem is the fact that I'm coming in late and I wasn't introduced to these characters the way you intended. That being said, I felt like there were a lot of names to keep straight. This is 1.4 which I'm guessing means we're in the forth part of the first chapter. I'm worried that you either have too many characters, or you've introduced too many characters too quickly and your reader is going to have a hard time keeping them all straight. I would think about who all really needs to be involved, if there is anyone you can cut (at least for now), what everyone's role needs to be, and how you're going to help your reader keep them all straight.

I think you should end this with "Then black." especially if that's where the chapter is going to end. That's an awesome cliff-hanger and those final three paragraphs felt a bit random and tacked on to me.

I'm going to leave things there for now! Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! Keep up with this story, I think you have an interesting thing going here

Points: 87
Reviews: 60

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Sun Apr 03, 2016 6:21 pm

Spartan118 wrote a review...

I am going to review your work and its review day though they have nothing to do with each other. I was really confused to reading this story cause I have not read the other part to this story. I like your writing style cause it's easy to read and your words flow so smoothly that they compliment each other. This story is one that I think would make you a lot of money if you put it all together and found a publisher though a lot of people would see it as a rip off if the planet of the apes. I see that you are really good at writing and that you put time into your work to make it a good read for the others who are going to read this story in the future. I want to read more of this story in the future as it progresses and to see what becomes of this story. I really like this story so I hope it becomes something good and something others will love.
I hope you have a good day, evening, morning, or night depending on where you live. I hope to see more of your work in the future and keep up the good work.

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Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 1.4

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