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Young Writers Society



Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 1.5

by ExOmelas


Chip shoulder-barged the CMC door and stumbled into the still dazzingly bright room. The first thing he noticed was that the room had been evacuated. There were red and black warning signs pinned up all over the place and not a soul in sight.

“Puccoon!” The shout came from the ground somewhere, but Chip didn’t see its owner. Apparently the room wasn’t quite as empty as it seemed.

Treego hopped off his outstretched palm and started poking about under the tables.

“Ochon!” he shouted a few moments later.

Chip crouched down and spotted them near the edge of a table’s shadow about a metre away.

“What are you doing here, Ochon?” Chip asked, eyes wide.

“Kernik’s – the spider who’s in sickbay. She’s my sister,” was all Ochon replied.

Chip? That was a different voice entirely. That was Margo. She went on, Chip, it’s stopped. The Thermal Regulators are working again!

Chip stared at Ochon, then at Treego. He pressed a few buttons on his comms hub and added Margo to the channel Lezeki was on. He chuckled at the clamminess of his hands as he left sweaty smudges all over it. At least he wouldn’t be freezing to death with all this running.

“Lezeki, what are you doing?” Chip asked, his chest so tense he was worried he might throw up.

Huh? said Margo.

“I’ll explain later,” Chip murmured.

So, Lezeki began, When I said I wouldn’t explain my secrets, that didn’t mean I wouldn’t flaunt them right in your traitorous faces.

Ochon frowned at Chip, who shrugged and splayed his hands wide. He had no clue what was going on either.

I have paused the process and I would say that, for the worst affected, this is just in time.

“Margo, how's Bassila?” Chip took a deep breath and ignored the frog and spider staring up at him. “How long does she…?”

There was a whimpering noise from Margo’s end and she said, I don’t know, but it was getting a lot worse recently. I wouldn’t have said very long.

Without a pause, Chip said, “Alright, Lezeki, what do you want?”

There was a moment of silence, which Chip imagined was Lezeki revelling in satisfaction. God, he hated that wasp.

I want you, Lezeki said eventually, I want you and your ship under my control. I want you to come to my side and join your sister.

Chip’s heart beat twice, four times - ten before he was able to say anything. When he finally spoke he said only, “Uh…”

“What are you uh-ing?” Treego snapped, “Give him what he wants!”

Chip frowned and stared at him. He saw Ochon looking down at the ground out of the corner of his eye. His sister? He hadn’t seen Martha in years but … no, that was absurd.

“Chip,” Treego said, his voice much quieter this time, “Nothing is more important than the safety of the crew.”

Chip ran his paw down his face and groaned. He looked over at the gap in the wall, which was identical to the last time he’d seen it. Somehow his heart was managing to race ten times as fast as when he’d last seen it. There was still no way he could fit in it.

“The question is,” Ochon said, “Do we have any alternative? If we can stop what he’s doing right now, he loses his only bargaining chip.”

Words started to form then dissipate on Chip’s lips. Eventually, he stammered out, “W-what … There’s nothing that w-we can do.”

Then he went quiet and thought about his sister and how much he wanted to ask more questions to try and see whether Lezeki was lying.

Ochon spat on the ground in front of him. Treego jumped back a bit but, given that he shuffled back a moment later, it seemed he was just a little startled.

“You’re afraid,” Ochon said, curling his mouth back into a sneer and glaring into Chip’s eyes. “You weren’t scared earlier, when you ordered us all into that place-” he glanced over at the gap “- but where’s your food chain now, eh? You’re scared to order me in there to go get rid of the flies. ‘Cos now your froggy friend here can hear you - and the wolf doctor.”

Chip’s fur raised as if a current was being gently charged through him. His jaw tensed and he had to take a few deep breaths to stop himself from screaming at the spider.

“Well sod this,” Ochon muttered. He shot off out from the table’s shadow, away from both Chip and Treego. He darted up the wall, dragging something tiny behind him that held one of his tiny legs back a bit. Chip had no idea what it was - he hadn’t even seen it when they’d been talking in the shadow. Before Chip could do more than push himself to his feet he’d managed to get onto the edge of the gap.

“Stop!” Chip cried, but Ochon only winked at him and dropped through the gap, dragging whatever was attached to his leg with him.

Well, that wasn’t necessarily expected. Lezeki chuckled. You realise he’s ruined it for you?

Chip’s eyes widened and he looked up at the ceiling, as if that was where Lezeki’s voice had come from.

“What are you talking about?” Chip said, holding his voice as firm as he could.

Chip! Margo screamed. It’s started again!

“What have you done!” Chip howled into his comms unit. He felt a weight on his wrist that he assumed was Treego landing on it but he didn’t even look down. Instead he ran over to the gap and knelt down so that he was eye level on it. He chuckled despite himself as a cry from Treego and a clamping down on Chip’s wrist told him that he was in fact there. He couldn’t see Ochon.

“Lezeki!” Treego shouted, “If you destroy us, you don’t get us. You need a crew, don’t you?”

Lezeki snorted. You think you’re the only ship in the galaxy?

“Well, pretty much yes,” Chip muttered under his breath. For a moment he felt acutely the disappointment he’d been ignoring. This was not exactly the exiting discussion with a fellow Jungle Corps ship he’d been hoping for. Then it was gone, and he was just panicked again.

What was that? Lezeki snapped.

“Oh - nothing,” Chip said, adjusting his head to try and look into the gap at a different angle. “You’re just unfortunately the most interesting -”

Chip didn’t really hear the explosion at first. The first signal he had of it was the rumbling in the floor that buzzed along the bones of his feet. Then he felt his muscles clench, and the floor pushing him up and backwards. Then he heard the noise as he flew through the air. It was like a scream of metal and fire that pounded against his head and winded him even before he hit the ground.

When he did land, he gasped and felt pain shoot up his back, but something animal and primeval in him told him it wasn’t too bad. He started to drag himself back to his feet but as soon as his head was off the ground he saw the fire licking out from the gap, which was now an enormous gaping wound in the wall.

“What has he done…?” Chip murmured. His heart clenched at the thought of Ochon.

“Chip!” Treego yelled, hopping up Chip’s arm towards his shoulder, “Chip, listen to Margo!”

Chip glanced down at his wrist and noticed that the clock counting the time of his call to Margo was still going. But his ears were still ringing and all he could only just hear Margo’s voice. Treego must have been much closer to it, clinging to Chip’s wrist.

“M-m-margo?” he whispered, bring the comms unit right up to his mouth.

Chip, it’s stopped! Now that the comms unit was right next to his face, this from Margo seemed to blast out and attack his ears, which popped, and left him able to hear properly again.

Then he realised what she’d said.

“Wait! How is that possible?” He looked back over at the wall and darted over to it, kneeling below the gap. “Ochon! Ochon!”

But there was no answer. Whatever explosive Ochon had dragged behind the wall, it didn’t seem like he was going to be able to tell them about it.

I bloody hate you all, Lezeki said. Then there was a beep, and he had disconnected from the call.

“Oh God,” Treego murmured.

Chip twisted his head round to his shoulder to see Treego, then noticed he had jumped down to the ground. He crouched down to Treego and saw what he was looking at.

Ochon’s body was upturned on the linoleum floor. He was missing three of his legs and he was completely still, with a solemn trail of smoke trailing up into the sky from where he lay. He was gone.

***

Ochon’s funeral was a sombre, though massive affair. Collected in the viewing platform, so that Ochon could be under the sky one last time, the crew listened to the stuttered words of a newly recovered Kernik, who was giving a eulogy for her brother. Chip did his best to ignore the glares of the spiders that had gone with Kernik and Ochon into the gap. They were like a mini-crew all on their own, whose captain had been sent into danger by a careless primate.

But that wasn’t what had happened, no matter what rumours that spider Deni wanted to spread.

They’d stood up from Ochon’s body, and she’d just been standing in the doorway, watching. She must have known Ochon was there, but, if you believed what she told the rest of the insects and bugs on the ship, she was under the impression that Chip had ordered Ochon to save the ship. It hurt Chip unfathomably to think that most of those she told seemed to believe her.

The guilt was crawling around his insides and tensing him up. He was shaking, but he knew if he cried he’d look like he was seeking attention. Instead, he kept his head down and tried not to indulge himself in thoughts of his sister.


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Mon May 01, 2017 3:39 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Sorry I got distracted but I'm back now!

Specifics

1.

Chip shoulder-barged the CMC door and stumbled into the still dazzingly dazzlingly bright room. The first thing he noticed was that the room had been evacuated. There were red and black warning signs pinned up all over the place and not a soul in sight.


2. How does the wasp know what's going on in there ship? Did Chip take a camera with him so he could broadcast to him? It seems odd that he'd want to show the visuals while he's still trying to make a decision.

3.
Instead he ran over to the gap and knelt down so that he was eye level on with it. He chuckled despite himself as a cry from Treego and a clamping down on Chip’s wrist told him that he was in fact there. He couldn’t see Ochon.
I'm not sure I understand why he laughs here? He finds it funny that Treego is there and scared?

4.
“What has he done…?” Chip murmured. His heart clenched at the thought of Ochon.
Not so long ago he was wishing he could eat the spider - I realise Ochon has just risked his life/ died for them but there needs to be more mixed emotions/ a more gradual realisation that he wasn't so bad.

5.
“M-m-margo?” he whispered, bringing the comms unit right up to his mouth.


6.
Chip did his best to ignore the glares of the spiders that who had gone with Kernik and Ochon into the gap. They were like a mini-crew all on their own, whose captain had been sent into danger by a careless primate.


Overall

Good description of the explosion and Ochon's body and there's a nice ramping up of tension with the spiders. I'm still finding Treego's personality a little flat and I'm not sure I can distinguish Margo's easily yet either. Treego perhaps comes across as a little more cowardly/ prone to worrying but I couldn't list many other traits. Margo seems to be a stereotypical female character at the moment - caring but prone to exclamations of panic/ breakdowns in the face of death/ severe injury. Generally a sensible voice of reason the rest of the time. It's not necessarily a bad thing but I'm hoping you'll give her a few uncommon traits later to add some depth.

I'll try to give a few thoughts on how you could expand on them more in a few chapters time :)

All the best,
~Heather




ExOmelas says...


Hey, going to reply to both reviews here.

1.4 - Hm, it's kind of necessary for the plot for Chip to see what's going on, but maybe he could just open a second video call with a camera in the CMC?

Oh and the temperature. It's cold for Chip, because he needs it to be warmer, so it's getting colder. How do you think I could make that clearer.

1.5 - I was hoping it would be clear that Lezeki was figuring out what was going on based on figures he could see before him about the temperatures on the ship.

About Treego, the chapters are from a different character's POV each time (up to 5, then it loops back). Treego's chapter is 3.1 - 3.4 I think. Hopefully more will come out about him during that time.

For Margo, I am worried that this is a problem that is going to persist. Her chapters are 2.1 - 2.6, so we'll see. If you could keep an eye on that, that would be great. (For what it's worth there's a much more complex female character called Linea from I think 4.1 onwards. I've been writing this for ages and there's a looooot of numbers xD).

Also, something I've been wondering. Your reviews are awesome at making this as good as it can be, but I was wondering what you think of what it is. Obviously this might not necessarily be your cup of tea in terms of genre or style, but do you think once I make it more logical, consistent, maybe a bit deeper etc, that it will be an enjoyable read for people?



Rydia says...


I'm not sure I understand why it's colder for Chip still - is something making it be the opposite of what each animal needs? If that's the case, maybe Margo can explain that to Chip when they are first at the sick bay and he's confused that a polar bear is melting while he feels cold.

1.5 - Sorry, I thought he had to be able to see since he reacted so quickly. Maybe if he said something like 'What are you doing - why has the temperature changed' then it would be more obvious.

Yes I will let you know if I feel their personalities are becoming clearer. Even in chapters not from their view point though you can give key characterisation with strong dialogue or observations from the view point character - sometimes how our friends see us is very revealing.

I think you've got a fun read and I could see younger people enjoying this certainly. To be honest, if you can make the characters that bit more endearing/ addictive then there's no reason it couldn't be a story older people like as well. I'm finding it easy to read and while the plot's a little simpler than what I enjoy, there's some interesting world building and I like the idea of the food chain repressing pills. I'm interested to see if there will be more elements of world building like that :)



ExOmelas says...


Ah yes that is exactly what it is. I will find a way to make this clear as day somewhere xD

1.5 - that works

I'll try to put some more characterisation in.

Cool, good to know :)



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Wed Apr 19, 2017 3:11 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Second one of the day!

Nitpicks:

'dragging something tiny behind him that dragged his tiny leg back' - maybe change 'dragged' to 'pulled'? So 'drag' isn't repeated.

“Stop!” Chip cried, but Ochon only winked at him' - again, how big is this spider? Plus, spiders have a lot of eyes, which is mentioned previously so maybe say 'winked at his with four of his eight eyes', it just gives a better visual.

'he was eye level on it' - eye level with it.

'He chuckled despite himself' - this seems a bit weird, his crew are dying and he's laughing? Even if it is a nervous laugh hiding his panic, it doesn't really fit.

'She must have known Ochon was there, but, if you believed what she told the rest of the insects and bugs on the ship, she was under the impression that Chip had ordered Ochon to save the ship.' - this is a long, run on sentence.

All in all, I liked this chapter. Particularly the description on the explosion and Ochon's curled up body, I could picture that perfectly.

The introduction of Chip's sister is a nice addition, you keep throwing in extra bits to keep the story fresh.




ExOmelas says...


Will fix all nit-picks. Oh actually, the laughing thing. I want a sort of ironic, bittersweet laugh. Like, I think that's a thing. Do you know what I mean? I can't figure out how to describe it.

Also want to check something specific, because it's been mentioned in other reviews - do you think the funeral scene should be written out in full or is it fine as it is?

Thanks for the speed of this btw :)





I don't think the funeral scene needs to be extended. We've only known the character for two chapters so he doesn't need a massive send off, I don't think. Maybe if it was a character who had been in it longer and the readers had more of a connection to them then a longer, heartfelt send off would feel necessary.



ExOmelas says...


Ok cool, good to know :)



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Sat Apr 15, 2017 5:41 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey Bisc! Storm here to do a review like promised, so let's jump right into it!

Since, I'm not totally familiar with your plot or characters, I'm going to focus on other things. With that said, I will move onward.

The first thing I noticed was your dialogue. I'm not really a fan. Specifically your tags. They’re varied, which is good, but they're often long and sometimes hard to follow. You also don't always need to use tags if it's obvious who is talking. With this chapter, it would be harder to do so because of the abundance of characters, but I wanted to point out that the option is there for future, less hectic chapters.

It doesn't seem like you go deep into your characters' feelings.

It hurt Chip unfathomably to think that most of those she told seemed to believe her.

Here is a good example of this. You tell us that Chip is hurt, but a better way would be to have him talk about it with a friend, or let him wallow on his own. It takes more time, but is ultimately better as it allows your readers to spend more time with your character and let them get to know Chip better.

“What has he done…?” Chip murmured.

This is a preference of mine, but I very much dislike ellipses. I think that they're often misused, and I rarely use them myself. I personally wouldn't have used them here at all, but again, it is a personal choice.

Overall, this was good. I don’t know a lot about your plot, but it seems to me that it's your strong point. Focus on developing your characters and not skimming over smaller events in favor of the things that push your plot. The desire is strong, I know, but placing more focus on your characters and the smaller things will more strongly immerse your readers into the story.

You know how to reach me if you have any questions, or if you just want to discuss one of the things I mentioned.

~Storm




ExOmelas says...


In the earlier incarnation of this chapter, someone mentioned that the bit at the end seemed to have been just tagged on. In order to develop Chip's thoughts in it further as you have suggested, maybe I could give that scene its own chapter? Chip does plenty of wallowing in the next few chapters though, so maybe I should just take that bit out?

As for the dialogue tags... So, I have this weird habit of: "[dialogue]." [Action somewhat related to the dialogue], [descriptor of that action or further action not related to the dialogue]. I think the first thing I'm going to do is try to vary this. Most of my chapters have a lot of speakers though, so I probably am going to have to keep them in there. I also think it can be unhelpful to not have tags at all, because you can build characterisation really subtly through tags, but idk if that's what you were suggesting.



inktopus says...


I think that maybe the funeral could be expanded and given its own chapter. I feel like a lot could be done with that, but I am a really big fan of one on one character interactions. The no tags thing is just another way to vary up the tags, though I think it can add dramatic effect when you're ending a chapter with a bit of dialogue.



ExOmelas says...


Okay, I have an idea. Fur, Feathers, Scales and Stars - 1.3 is pretty much an interaction solely between Chip and Ochon. Could you take a very quick look at that and tell me if it's the kind of thing that could be done without tags?

Hmm...I'll have a think about whether to just cut the funeral, because the start of the next chapter is Chip brooding in his bunk and Margo trying to comfort him, so it might be a bit redundant. I'll write it out though, and see what it feels like.




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