Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 2.1

by ExOmelas

Published July 7, 2016

In Fur Feathers Scales and Stars

2 - Margo 

   Chip was not looking good, Margo reflected. He couldn’t be expected to, under the circumstances. It wasn’t fair, the way issues just kept springing up around him, one after another, after another, after another. If it wasn’t the temperature, it was an uncooperative arachnid. Of course, that very arachnid had then gone on to solve the temperature issue, sacrificing his life, leaving Chip the captain of a very mutinous Bug Division. It was as if the entire galaxy was teaming up to ruin his life. Chip, bless him, was still hurting from the loss of Ochon, an officer he hadn’t valued the loyalty of until it was too late. Not to mention his sister was reportedly travelling with the maniac who had caused it all, a maniac who had vanished off all radars … although perhaps that was actually a blessing.

Now, a green and blue planet several hundred light years away had weighed in to add even more mayhem.

“How long have you had this, Chip?” said Margo. She was standing on a platform that hovered in the air beside his bunk, on the edge of which he’d flung the printout of an email. The humans loved writing emails to the Jungle Corps Space Team. Writing - to animals - in space. It didn’t get better than that, according to the manager of the zoo in which Treego Dart had resided for the early part of his life. Treego had read that particular line out to them all with his tongue lolling out his mouth and his shoulders shaking with giggles.

This email, as painstakingly politely written as the rest of them, informed Captain Chip Puccoon, of the JCST Canopy, that he had been awarded the Dickens’ Medal for his gallant resistance of the Buzzer’s temptations. This was a high honour, of course, but that probably didn’t mean Chip wanted this saga brought back to the crew’s attention any more than it had to be.

“Couple of days.” He shrugged. “I’m supposed to have organised a ceremony for my e-presentation by tomorrow.”

“What will they do when you don’t show up?” said Margo. She set the letter aside and sank down onto her haunches.

“They’re thousands of light years away, Margo,” he said, “What are they going to do?”

“Honestly …” A smile tugged at Margo’s mouth. “Probably just leave you alone. They have their own problems … lots of them.”

Chip shuddered then nodded.

“Just leave it, Chip,” Margo said. She raised herself back to her feet and yawned. “I promise, this will blow over.”

She turned and pressed a button at the back of the platform to engage the electromagnetic thrusters. With a quick smile at Chip over her shoulder, though she wasn’t sure he even registered it, she tapped the down arrow and drifted back down to the spacecraft’s floor. She would check on him later, but for now she had patients to see.

There was a snake, Officer Visely, whose insides were so precisely calibrated within his long spindly frame that even the slightest turbulence threw him into turmoil. In all the Lezeki business, he’d been one of the worst hit, after Officer Glace, and even now he was only just recovering.

It was about five minutes later when she reached the storage container where she'd left his medicine. She flicked a switch near the bottom of the door that clicked the it open but as she lifted a paw to step through, her ears perked up and she felt the buzz of an alert ripple up her spine and around her shoulders. There was a buzz in the room too, a different sort of buzz - audible, not sensory.

She peeked around the corner of the door, with her head low to the ground in the hope that she might not be noticed immediately.

"Whipple!" screeched a sharp, rough voice.

As Margo searched for the voice's owner, she chuckled. Keeping low to the ground was the worst thing she could have done. The voice's owner was Kernik, Ochon's brother. He and literally hundreds of other bugs and insects were crammed into the office, all of them on the floor, inches away from Margo's snout.

"Kernik," said Margo. She didn't enter the room, mostly because she would squash huge sections of its population with every step. Instead she kept her head curled around the door, rising a few feet so she wouldn't be dangling her fangs over the bugs. She understood how intimidating a wolf staring down at you could be so she kept her eyes on the room's two computers. They were on opposite sides of the room, though the room was so small users could pass notes from one to the other without leaving their screens. A small room for small life forms. Margo often thought she might understand how an ant felt when she looked out the helm viewscreen at the deep space flying past. What the heck did an ant feel when they did the same?

"What's going on in here, Kernik?" she asked, still not looking at them.

"Don't tell her, Ken!" an especially high-pitched voice cried. "She might not have arms but she's basically one of them!"

"Pedu!" Kernik hissed.

Hiss! Of course! She could think about what all this was about later. Right now she needed some medicine for a very sick snake.

"Look, I'll be out of your hair in a moment," Margo muttered, "I just need that vial on the east-facing desk."

Within moments a chain of ants had conveyed it to her. It was at least thirty times their weight, Margo knew. It was incredible what these creatures could do. Just a shame they weren't any bigger.

"Thnk ye," she said as she stooped down and closed her teeth around the vial, hoping the vial itself would be big enough to shield them from the gleam of her teeth. She bowed out of the room as quickly as she could and hurried down to sickbay.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · May 14, 2017

Time for the next review!

Specifics

1. This chapter starts with a really big info dump and I'm not sure we need the recap. The events happened right at the end of the last chapter and this doesn't seem to be adding enough new information to be worth such a chunky paragraph.

2.

Writing - to animals - in space. It didn’t get better than that, according to the manager of the zoo in which Treego Dart had resided for the early part of his life. Treego had read that particular line out to them all with his tongue lolling out his mouth and his shoulders shaking with giggles.
This is a little confusing as it feels like we've switched to Treego's view point instead of Margo's or is this Margo remembering this? Either way, it's a little hard to follow and feels like a slightly awkward way of telling us the animals come from a zoo.

3.
She flicked a switch near the bottom of the door that clicked the it open but as she lifted a paw to step through, her ears perked up and she felt the buzz of an alert ripple up her spine and around her shoulders.


4.
"Thnk ye," she said as she stooped down and closed her teeth around the vial, hoping the vial itself would be big enough to shield them from the gleam of her teeth.
This seems a bit odd - surely you say thank you first and don't risk dropping an important vial by trying to talk around it?

Overall

Short but sweet! There's a nice bit of tension ramping up around what the spiders are going to do now. I think Margo should perhaps be more worried than she seems. The only other issue I had with this chapter was that they're able to send and receive e-mails from the people back on Earth? I don't know much about science but I'm pretty sure that's impossible. I think you need to call them something else like space mails to make it more believable that there might be some new level of technology that lets you communicate across light years.

Other than that this chapter's a pretty smooth read and it's nice to see from another character's perspective!

1. Oops this was one of the things I'd meant to change. I had this weird vision when I started of like publishing this as a periodical in a children's magazine. This is not a thing that exists, but it was how I was imagining it going, hence it would have had a sort of "Last time on...". Anyway, I'll definitely change that.

2. I can see how this could give this impression and I will amend but just so you don't get confused later on - I was not trying to say that all the animals came from a zoo. In fact goddammit I contradict that next chapter. Yeah, I'll just make it a different character - maybe Gerry who says that.

Space mails sounds good. I've been struggling with the technological aspect a bit. Hopefully there shouldn't be too many problems like that.

Margo gets more worried later on. Let me know if you think it's adequate.

Thanks for the review :D

User avatar
MissGangamash
Review
MissGangamash wrote a review Review · Apr 20, 2017

Back again!

Nitpicks:

'It wasn’t fair, the way issues just kept springing up around him, one after another, after another, after another.' - too many commas. Maybe 'It's wasn't fair the way issues just kept springing up around him one after another.'

'Writing letters - to animals - in space.' - how do they letters get sent to space?

'This was a high honour, of course, but that didn’t mean Chip wanted this saga brought back to the crew’s attention any more than it had to be.' - this bit reads like it's written from Chip's 3rd person POV, not Margo's.

'She turned and pressed a button to engage the electromagnetic thrusters at the back of the platform she had used to get up to the hammock Chip was sprawled in.' - bit of a clumpy sentence, try cutting it down a bit.

'"Thnk ye," she said' - Thank you?

I liked the little bit of background information about the zoos that the animals came from. Are we going to find out more about what the weird flies were doing behind the panelling?

This chapter is pretty short so I don't have much else to say.

Onwarrrdddsss.

The letters - oops, that's left over from when this was basically star trek parody. What do you think would be better - I think I'll just change it to emails.

The next time there's really sort of any information about the flies actually comes at the start of part 3. I mean, they talk about Lezeki in this chapter, but do you think that's too late for the explanation to start?

I don't know much about space travel and stuff so I don't really know how it would work. It depends how far away from Earth they are, I think. I guess the internet wouldn't work if they were like in a different Galaxy, so I don't really know what you could change it to. Maybe do some research?

I don't think it needs to be explained right away, if the characters are also clueless themselves. But if they are clueless, maybe just hint at that. Like when they reflect on what Ochon did, mention they don't really know how or what he did to solve the temperature problem. Then its understandable that the reader doesn't know either.

Ah yes, you mentioned that they are thousands of light years away from the humans, and a light year is 10,000 Earth years so its actually physically impossible for the animals to be communicating with the same humans who had sent them.

Dammit. I hate science xD See, I need them to be far enough away to be looking at other planets with life that aren't earth, but close enough to have some contact with Earth. Maybe I need a word for warp speed that isn't warp speed...

Yeah, I can't help you with space stuff. I just know from recently watching Passengers that contacting Earth from another galaxy is extreeemmmeeeeellllly difficult.

I'll leave this as it is at the moment and try to come up with some solutions. Grr at logistics :P

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Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review Review · Jul 7, 2016

Greetings, oh majestic monkey (aka BiscuitsBatchAvoy). :P I decided to review this only because the title sounds super interesting.

Chip was not looking good, Margo reflected. He couldn’t be expected to, under the circumstances. It wasn’t fair, the way issues just kept springing up around him, one after another, after another, after another.
I love your opening sentences; they're extremely informative. I reckon I could start reading the story from this point and not feel confused, based the summary you've given me. Also, it's a good refresher for the people who have read other chapters. I love your writing style too, by the way. Simple but effective, and (I have to say this) it reminds me of Curious George, but that's probably only because of the monkey.

“Honestly …” A smile tugged at Margo’s mouth. “Probably just leave you alone. They have their own problems … lots of them.”
Excellent dialogue, the characters all have their own distinct voices. Here's a nitpick I found: You shouldn't have that extra space before the three dots, they can follow straight on from a word.

She flicked a switch near the bottom of the door that clicked the it open but as she lifted a paw to step through,
That clicked the 'it' open? This needs to be fixed.

Apart from those two things I pointed out, you have a well-polished chapter which was an absolute pleasure to read. Keep writing about animals in space, it's great. :D

Hey, thanks for the review! I'll fix the nit-picks once I've finished the chapter. If you're interested I've posted the next part Monkey Boy's Adventures In Space - 2.2 and I actually mention you in the author's note - it's about the ellipsis :P

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yizhongt
Review
yizhongt wrote a review Review · Jul 7, 2016

Hey there , yizhongt here to leave a review. Let me just say that I'm fascinated by your story's concept of animals serving the military in space.

The descriptions you have written for the story is very good. It offers the reader to ability to clearly imagine the world this story is taking place in. In terms of the flow, I think it flowed well. It wasn't too fast, nor too slow.

Now I do have some nitpicks with some of your word choices and sentence structure though. It's nothing major and more of personal preference.

(It wasn’t fair, the way issues just kept springing up around him, one after another, after another, after another.)

Now I know you're trying to emphasis how the person is always besieged by one trouble after another, but I think putting so many one after another is one too many. Just one after another is good enough.

("What will they do when you don’t show up?” said Margo.)

Now whenever a character is asking a question, using said is a bit off. It's not wrong , but it just doesn't fit right. Try using words like asked, queried, questioned or inquired. It offers one flavour.

All in all this was a good piece. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Hey, thanks for the review! I'll keep those nit-picks in mind :) if you're interested, I've posted the next part Monkey Boy's Adventures In Space - 2.2. I sort of went on a writing-streak after my favourite tennis player got injured at Wimbledon ... it's a long story ... but yeah, I'm hoping to keep up a fairly good pace for the rest of chapter/episode/mission 2. Thanks again!



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