Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 3.2

   Trying to find a robot the size of a fly, at most a woodlouse, in a pile of burnt out metal was one of the more difficult tasks Treego had faced on board the Canopy. He supposed of all the senior officers who’d been at the meeting he wasn’t the least well equipped to deal with the nanobots’ teeny-ness. For everyone else, it was like searching for a needle in a haystack; for him it was more like searching for a pencil on an untidy desk. In fact, probably only Kernik could have been better. Treego thought that that did not forfeit him the right to complain about it though.

One person who definitely was suited to the current search was Stephen, a young engineering apprentice who actually was a woodlouse.

“See anything, Steve?” Treego sighed and let his shoulders slump.

Steve shrugged. Unlike the rippling elegance of Kernik’s shrug, Steve’s was just the hard shell of his body bumping up and down once.

“I probably do,” said Steve. He gestured at the pile of metal with a couple of his legs. “It’s probably right in front of me – I could even be staring right at it – but how would I know? What is it we’re actually looking for, sir?”

Treego also shrugged. When he did it, he struggled to prevent his stomach producing a cartoonish ‘ribbit’ noise that he really didn’t like the humans to hear.

“Maybe some little legs or something,” he said. He screwed his eyes up and stared at the pile. “Like a metal version of you.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “Is that why I was assigned to this project? Like the picture you work towards on a jigsaw puzzle?”

Treego matched his raised eyebrow. “When have you ever done a jigsaw puzzle?”

“My apprenticeship has been … interesting.” Steve grinned.

“To answer your question, I don’t know why you in particular were assigned to this project,” said Treego, going back to sifting through the metal. “It could easily be that your surname was next on an alphabetical roster.”

Steve was frowning and staring at the ground. Then he said, “So Captain Puccoon doesn’t tell you that kind of stuff?”

“What kind of stuff?” Treego didn’t stop working.

“Organisational stuff. Everyone says you’re like, his right hand guy. Weren’t you children together before … all of this?” Steve was staring right at Treego, who registered the woodlouse’s gaze out of the corner of his eye.

“We certainly lived near each other,” Treego admitted, “But before ... all of this, as you put it … frogs and monkeys weren’t really friends. You know I’d probably have tried to eat you if we’d met three years ago.”

“That’s one thing the humans have done for us, I suppose,” Steve said.

“What?” Treego looked up and tilted his head at Steve.

“Those food substitute things that mean you no longer need to eat me,” Steve explained, “We wouldn’t be having this conversation without those.”

Treego smiled. “Hm, maybe people ought to try listening to you. Then they might trust the Bug Division a little more.”

Steve nodded and sighed. “Of course, they’d then hear my roommates and think we’d all open the loading doors and invite the stupid great wasp in without a moment’s hesitation.”

Treego grinned. “So, like all great societies, the Bug Division is split on an issue. We’re getting more and more like humans every day.”

“I’m not sure that’s a bad– Look here it is!” Steve bounced up and down and jerked his antennae towards a little black speck.

“Wonderful!” Treego leaped over and leaned forward as low as he could. ‘A metal version of you’ was probably the most accurate description he could have given Steve, on reflection. “What, do you just spend a lot of time looking in the mirror?”

“Huh?” Steve looked up at him, still grinning widely.

“Nothing.” Treego shook his head. “I’ll take this up to one of the labs. Nice to meet you.”

“And you.” Steve performed a rather jerky bow.

Treego smiled and leaped off to the labs.

Lab work being a vital component of most of the ship’s departments, no one department had been granted ownership over the laboratory suite. In fact, as Treego fiddled around with the microscope’s dials, he was joined in Lab Three by one fellow Conditions Management Officer, a couple of environmental scientists and Louis, the ship’s deputy chief of medicine.

Treego had known Louis for the full three years he’d been able to really “know” anyone. They’d “Awoken” within ten metres or so of each other in the Amazon rainforest, attended the same training centres on and off for six months or so, and then were assigned to the JCST Canopy as apprentices in the very same batch. Louis kept looking over at him and frowning, then glaring back at his work whenever Treego tried to make eye contact with him.

Treego sighed and slitted his eyes at Louis, who had the decency to look up, and do so rather sheepishly. Louis glanced from side to side at the Treego then at the environmental scientists, all of whom seemed to be doing their best not to notice. Treego jerked a splayed webbed foot towards the open doorway. Louis nodded and drooped his head as he left the room. Treego leapt out after him and nudged the door closed behind him.

“What’s the matter, Louis?” Treego narrowed his eyes at the young spider monkey.

Louis made a low groaning sound and fiddled with his tool belt. “Do you promise not to tell Chip?”

Treego rolled his eyes. “Why does everyone seem to think I share a brain with Chip freaking Puccoon these days?”

“Huh?” Louis stopped fidgeting and frowned.

“Nothing.” Treego shook his head. “I promise I won’t tell him.”

Louis took a deep breath. “How much do you remember of Martha – Chip’s sister?”

“Hrm …” Treego murmured. He rapped his knuckles on the blue linoleum floor. “I don’t think I saw much of her after the Awakening … couple of images of her swinging about somewhere above my head before that … Why?”

“She’s my mother,” Louis said. He paused, then took another deep breath and continued, “And I think I remember something important about her. F-From before.”

“Louis, would you rather go to my office and do this?” If Treego had been tall enough he’d have placed a hand on the young monkey’s shoulder.

Louis shook his head. “No, no I need to get it out as quick as I can. When I … When I was young. Really, young, that is. Still growing. I remember mum used to disappear for ages at a time. She’d leave me with my grandmother and … and I don’t know how long she was gone for but, sir, this happened all the time. Sir, you’ve spoken to most of my family in the past two years – remember, my gran came with me to my apprenticeship graduation back on Earth? I’m sure you’ve met loads of others too.”

“I have, yes.” Treego nodded. His stomach felt tight and a little groggy. None of this sounded like something he wanted to hear, but he couldn’t stop the kid from talking. The words were tumbling out of him like a waterfall.

“But you’ve never met my mother.” As if the river had run out of water, Louis stopped talking and stared right into Treego’s eyes. Despite the rather glaring height difference, Treego distinctly felt as his eyes were being looked up into.

“No, no I haven’t,” Treego agreed. “What are you getting at, Louis?”

“I – I don’t know,” Louis muttered, spreading his hands wide, “That’s why I don’t want to take it to Uncle Chip. I don’t want to worry him in case it’s nothing. But please, sir, you have to help me in case it’s … something.”

Treego sighed and started leaping off down the corridor. “Come on, Louis, let’s go see what we can find at the infocentre.”

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:03 pm

I really want a yogurt or a chocolate biscuit but I think I'll make that my reward for getting 3 reviews done since I've decided that's my minimum requirement for today...

Specifics

1.

For everyone else, it was like searching for a needle in a haystack; for him it was more like searching for a pencil on an untidy desk. In fact, probably only Kernik could have been better. Treego thought that that did not forfeit him the right to complain about it though.
The last two sentences are clunky and could easily be rolled into one - 'In fact, only Kernik could have been better but that didn't forfeit his right to complain.' I also wonder if the first sentence is fair since we know Kernik is an exception to that but since you address it in the next sentence, I don't mind so much. I wonder if Treego suspects he got the job because Chip didn't want to look like he was being unfair to the bugs.

2.
Treego also shrugged. When he did it, he struggled to prevent his stomach producing a cartoonish ‘ribbit’ noise that he really didn’t like the humans to hear.
If it's just the humans he minds then why bother holding it in here? This feels like it's phrase a little awkwardly.

3. For all the tension between the bugs and the others we've seen so far, Steve seems very okay with Treego's teasing. I guess they know each other well? Steve also seems too trusting of Treego and too ready to rat out his roommates. That's the kind of betrayal you'd only make in front of close friends who you know wouldn't take it the wrong way or tell others and blow it out of proportion. I'm not saying I think the relationship doesn't work but maybe give us a hint when you introduce Steve that this is someone Treego knows well or that he's a bug who's generally fine with his place in the world.

4. They've only just met? Okay I take it back, this relationship doesn't work. They are far too familiar with each other for that, especially with Treego being Chip's right hand man...

5.
Louis glanced from side to side at the Treego then at the environmental scientists, all of whom seemed to be doing their best not to notice.


6.
“But you’ve never met my mother.” As if the river had run out of water, Louis stopped talking and stared right into Treego’s eyes. Despite the rather glaring height difference, Treego distinctly felt as his eyes were being looked up into.
I'm not sure I'm follow the last sentence. It feels awkward and like maybe it needs to be more general, as in 'Treego distinctly felt he was being looked up to'. That may seem a little less impossible than the idea that it can feel like someone who's looking down at you is looking up at you which are both direct opposites.

Overall

I think the dialogue in the first half of this chapter is great and we're back to Treego being lively and that little bit wry/ fun again. However, I think it only works if he and Steve know each other, rather than are just meeting now for the first time.

I also think the plot moved forwards well and Louis adds another interesting turn of events, though I wonder why Treego doesn't already know he's the captain's nephew. That feels like something which would be common knowledge on a ship. Like, I worked at a company where two of the people were aunt and nephew and everyone knew they were related. Partly because they had the same surname which always lead to the question but generally you can't spend 40 hours a week with the same people without knowing the basics.

Also Dest is right on the slit instead of slitted thing, I knew that was bothering me but couldn't think what it should be instead.

Overall, I think this chapter is stronger than your last and a much better viewpoint of Treego but you may need to clear up the relationship with him and Steve. Also, why do Steve and Louis not get cool names that are similar to their species? Until this point everyone else has had something which relates to what they are and it seems a shame to break the pattern.

All the best,

~Heather

User avatar
MissGangamash
Review

You took a bit too long to tell us that Louis was a spider monkey. There's three paragraphs between his introduction and the reader knowing what animal it is, it makes the scene hard to picture because we don't know what we're supposed to be seeing. I assumed he was a frog.

“Louis, would you rather go to my office and do this?” If Treego had been tall enough he’d have placed a hand on the young monkey’s shoulder. - I like that. It makes Treego sound very compassionate but also authoritative.

I like that we've got back to Chip's sister, I'm finding that part of the story much more interesting. Is she like his evil sister or something? Or was she taken by the wasp?

I didn't find any glaring grammar errors or spelling mistakes :)

I've been struggling with the first thing. It's difficult to say an animal's species without it being extremely obvious that you're shoe-horning it in. I'll try and think of something.

Thanks for the review :)

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Dracula
Review

Awesome-sauce! Here I am, then. :D

He supposed of all the senior officers who’d been at the meeting he wasn’t the least well equipped to deal with the nanobots’ teeny-ness. In fact, probably only Kenik could have been better.
This is good for showing how Treego is fairly confident, if not a little frustrated at having to do the job. But you don't justify why he's not the worst candidate, or why Kenik might be better.

One person who definitely was suited to the current search was Stephen, a young engineering apprentice who actually was a woodlouse.
I love how this can even happen in your story. How there just happens to be a woodlouse looking for a mechanical woodlouse, and it makes complete sense.

Weren’t you children together before … all of this?”
A better phrasing might be 'didn't you grow up together'. What you have now just sounds a little odd, like he's asking if they were a romantic couple when they were children...

he thing was much flatter than he’d been expecting, much more like a woodlouse than a fly.
He was expecting a woodlouse, so this doesn't quite make sense. Is there another way to describe its flatness?

Treego smiled. “Hm, maybe people ought to try listening to you. Then they might trust the Bug Division a little more.”
The way you introduced Steve was well done. You gave me a lot of background info, but it didn't feel forced at all.

Louis is sweet. I could easily imagine a pair of big, worried, watery eyes looking into Treego's. I'm interested to find out where this leads. :D

Oh, whoops, it's cos they're the smallest xD Will put that in. Also dammit I keep spelling Kernik wrong.

Grew up together sounds fine.

Ah, what I meant was that everyone had been talking about the little fly-things up til now, so I thought people would be expecting him to expect it to be a fly. If that's not the case I'll just make it something about how similar to Steve it was.

Thanks for the review! :D

p.s. I'll probably put the next chapter up tomorrow since this one already has two reviews o.o so much reviewing recently!

I know! And to think we emptied the Green Room, after so long. XD

User avatar
Dest
Review
Dest wrote a review · Wed May 03, 2017 10:04 pm

“Those food substitute things that mean you no longer need to eat me,” Steve explained, “We wouldn’t be having this conversation without those.”


That's real interesting. Frogs and monkeys working together in a lab or is it a spaceship? I haven't read the other chapters yet but I like the conversation between Louis and Treego. They have some type of understanding.

Treego sighed and slitted his eyes at Louis, who had the decency to look up, and do so rather sheepishly. Louis glanced from side to side at the Treego then at the environmental scientists, all of whom seemed to be doing their best not to notice. Treego jerked a splayed webbed foot towards the open doorway. Louis nodded and drooped his head as he left the room. Treego leapt out after him and nudged the door closed behind him.


Ah, it should just be "slit" and I think "leapt" should be "leaped" here.
This read a little clunky or awkward because it's a bit too much back and forth. Treego did abc and Louis did xyz... Maybe break it up into separate paragraphs?

The words were tumbling out of him like a waterfall.


As if the river had run out of water, Louis stopped talking and stared right into Treego’s eyes.

I really like the "water" wordplay, and I think there's just the right amount of detail in your descriptions.

Really good!

Thanks for the review! :D



Writing is my soul made tangible on paper.
— bluewaterlily