The kangaroo infocentre attendant, Fliora, kept flicking her eyes up at them as they worked. Treego wondered how often the animals who fell under her gaze were up to no good. From the frown of her brow and the slits that were her eyes, he guessed very. Well, what did you expect if you looked after the only room in the ship containing comprehensive records of every single crew member, right down to their dental records. Actually, the fact that dental records were a common method for identification of a corpse was not something Treego wanted to dwell on for too long.
To Fliora’s credit, the centre was incredibly well kept. The rows and rows of computer stations were spotless, and all the paper records were filed in colour-coded binders along a deep shelf that ringed the entire room. If you were to stand in sickbay and face the helm, it would be situated on the loop of the figure-eight closer to you, and to your left, right out at the farthest left extremity in fact of that back loop. This meant that there was an expansive window at the back of the shelf on one side. Louis kept staring out of it.
“Hey.” Treego tried to click his fingers, like Chip did, but it just came out as a splat. “Pay attention.”
Louis sighed. “Sorry, I just … my mum could be out there somewhere.”
“Well she’s definitely out there somewhere,” Treego agreed, clicking a few links on the computer and taking a few sips of his tea. “We’re trying to find her, remem – ooh!”
“What?” Louis snapped.
Treego glared at him but said, “I’ve found a file that needs your mother’s authorisation ... on the JCST server too … Any idea what she’d use for a password?”
Louis’ pupils grew and grew until his chestnut irises were almost history.
“Try … I don’t … She never spoke to me!” He groaned. “Not after. And obviously she never spoke before.”
As Louis’ head sank to the desk, Treego noticed a couple of small blue words beneath the password input box offering a reminder clue. He nearly broke the mouse clicking it.
“Do the words ‘Believe in yourself, respect others –’”
“Change the world!” Louis screamed. Fliora glanced up, raised an eyebrow, then went back to updating a record book.
“Seems kind of a weak password …” Treego murmured. He’d leave where the hell that had come from for later. “Hold on, I’ve got an idea.”
He did this with his own passwords; it seemed reasonable to believe he wasn’t so bright that he was the first person ever to have thought of it. He changed each letter into the integer that marked its place in the alphabet.
“Three, eight, one …” he murmured as he pressed each key with the kind of care with which he would have handled a newly hatched tadpole. It worked. “Yes!”
When the next page loaded, Treego’s eyes bulged as he fought to keep his tea in his mouth. Louis clambered over the desk from his station and nearly shoved him out the chair.
“What, what, what?” Louis wasn’t quite making animal noises, Treego decided, but he couldn’t be far off. He wouldn’t blame the boy if he let out a full screech once he’d read what waited for him on the screen. He shuddered with the thought of what was about to run through Louis’ mind and with gratitude that he was not a member of the Puccoon family.
“Two weeks ago …” Louis whispered, “She was five miles from us two weeks ago … When Lezeki … She was on the ship! The stupid wasp wasn’t lying. She … she was on his ship. What’s … what’s that?”
“What?” Treego looked back round at the screen and avoided Louis’ eyes.
“That.” Louis tapped the screen, specifically a tab at the top of the page that said ‘contact’.
Treego clicked the tab, seriously wondering if he was about to be confronted with Chip’s sister’s email address. Instead, the phone number for a ‘Recki and Tabio Puccoon’ was top of a list of eleven digit numbers, most of the rest of which were labelled with JCST related tags.
“That’s my gran and grandpa,” Louis murmured, reaching a paw out to the screen.
“Do you want to call them?” Treego asked.
“What, right now?” Louis’ head whipped round to face Treego.
“No, not now. And definitely not here.” Treego glanced at Fliora, who was now stapling booklets together at automotive speed. “But we could print it off.”
Louis stared at the keyboard for probably no more than a second then nodded and whispered, “Do it. But don’t tell Uncle Chip about it. He’d ask questions about where we found it and …”
“I understand,” Treego said, “It’s good to have him back isn’t it? I like it when he’s not too mopey to tell us off for things.”
Louis’ nodded and wiped his eyes. “You figure out somewhere quiet and send for me. I want them to meet you. They need to know I’m not the only one worried about him – worried that this might set him back.”
Treego nodded and clicked the button to print the page.
“Chip will be fine, Louis,” he said, “If nothing else, he’s charming the pants off Kernik, so at the very least there probably won’t be mutiny from the Bug Division any time soon.”
Yo, Louis, what’s keeping you?
Treego frowned and waited for Louis to reply over the private comms channel he’d set up. He’d realised there really was nowhere he could talk in total privacy other than his office. So, after dinner, he’d excused himself to examine the findings of the tests done on the woodlouse-robot. Really it was engineering territory now but most of the senior exec team seemed to understand his reluctance to hand it straight over to Engineering without at least having a crack at it.
Besides, it had been him the lab technician had handed the report to in the corridor as he left the infocentre. That had been a tense moment. You’ve just found evidence of your captain’s sister on his arch enemy’s ship, as well as his parents’ phone number, and you weren’t even telling him – then the deep grating of a crocodile’s voice calls your name from most of the way down a corridor away. He’d nearly dropped the printout of the number.
Keeping him from what, Treego?
Treego gulped as he recognised his captain’s voice.
Uh, Chip, where’s Louis?
Right here, Treego, how do you think I’m speaking into his comms hub?
Right … uh, of course … uh …
Uh, nothing, Treego! What is the meaning of this?
He found the number, Treego! You dropped it on the ground! I had to tell him. I’m sorry.
Treego hung his head at the wobble in Louis’ voice. Apparently the crocodile had stunned him so much that he’d not even noticed he had dropped the printout. He glanced at the stack of files the crocodile had handed him, which the printout should have been on the bottom of. He peered under the bottom file, the whole stack nearly collapsing on him, and shuddered as he realised it wasn’t there.
How could you keep something like this from me, Treego?
I … I was worried about you … Chip. I didn’t know how you’d take it.
Probably slightly better than I’d take you sneaking around behind my back. Louis told me what you were doing when you found it too.
Oh God …
Treego took a deep breath.
I’m sorry, Chip. Clearly I was wrong. Clearly you are totally ready to speak to your parents for the first time in three years to discuss the fact that your sister was within five miles of you and you let her slip away.
Treego had no idea how to take the thirty seconds of silence that ensued from the other end.
Get down here, Treego. I’m in room 17C. Get down here and just watch me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
So I reviewed something else in between the last chapter and this one, which means I already did my three reviews and I'm going for a snack. I will be back to review this after the interlude...
Try to avoid using few twice in this sentence - it could just be 'a sip of his tea'.Specifics
1. I think the first sentence would flow better as 'Fiora, the kangaroo infocentre attendant...'
2.
3. Glare seems a bit of a strong word - it's natural for Louis to be impatient/ worried since his mum is missing and all he did was say what.
4. Not after/ before what? This sentence seems really odd - surely his bother has spoken to him at some point at least? Even if it was only when they were monkeys and they communicated with monkey noises. That's still a form of speech.
5. Why doesn't he at least try the password as it is first? I'm as logical as the next person and also have a randomiser on my password, though nothing as basic as this, but the simplest solution should always be checked first. Also, is it the entirety of 'change the world' because that's a pretty long password. There's also often a rule with passwords that they must contain at least one letter and one number so this kind of rule of changing passwords into numbers isn't something you can do for most sites. My work place also required for some passwords to use at least one special character too. It just seems a coincidence that Treego thinks of the right way to encode a password and that he gets it right the first time he tries. I used to make a game of breaking my older sister's password when we were kids and sometimes it took me weeks to find the right one and this is someone who I knew really well.
6. Maybe have some kind of line or a few more spaces to make the time skip a bit more obvious. I was confused at first.
Overall
Oooh the tension's ramping up!I love the dialogue at the end of the chapter, though I think Treego is a bit insensitive/ pushed Chip too far with his last comment but I also understand that our friends sometimes have to be the voice of reason.
The part with finding the stuff on the computer was a little too easy for my liking and I'm unsure why a file which needs her authorisation includes information on where she was recently. I mean, she's not on the ship so how could she have updated such a file? Or is this one that's on the internet, in which case how did he know where to look for it? Something just feels a bit off there. Like, why would she record where she was anyway? I don't tend to keep a log of my movements personally.
Other than that, I think the plot is ramping up well and while this chapter wasn't as strong as the last, I think it was helped a lot by the dialogue in the last scene. It took me a little while to realise you'd time stamped and the explanation that the crocodile stopped Treego on his way out of the infocentre was a little awkward/ didn't flow quite right but the dialogue did a lot to help me like Chip a little more again.
~Heather
“That’s my gran and grandpa,” Louis murmured, reaching a paw out to the screen. - Monkey's have hands not paws.
'Louis’ nodded and wiped his eyes.' - no need for the apostrophe.
'You’ve just found evidence of your captain’s sister on his arch enemy’s sister,' - I think you meant 'ach enemy's ship, haha.
'then the deep grating of a crocodile’s voice calls your name from most of the way down a corridor away.' - I'm guessing the last part of the sentence is a typo but I'm not sure what it's supposed to be.
The use of 'you' when talking about Treego is a bit weird. It doesn't really flow with the story. Because then you change it back to 'he' at the end of the paragraph. I don't see the use of putting the reader in his shoes.
Actually, that whole section of the chapter doesn't read right. You have the crocodile talking over the comms, then you say 'He’d realised there really was nowhere he could talk in total privacy other than his office. So, after dinner, he’d excused himself to examine the findings of the tests done on the woodlouse-robot.' So I assumed the story had moved on, and then Chip comes over the comms continuing on the conversation.
So I'm all a bit confused by this so I can't comment much, only that I feel the whole, them finding the number and the Chip knowing that they have the number happening all within 3 paragraphs too rushed. I think this whole chapter is very rushed and that's why it is confusing and doesn't read right.
Hm... Good to know. I'll have a read over and see what I can do about flow. Thanks
Well, what did you expect if you looked after the only room in the ship containing comprehensive records of every single crew member, right down to their dental records
You're suggesting that she reads the records in her spare time, so is silently judging everyone? Dunno if you directly meant that, but it works and makes me think she's very suspicious.
Treego glared at him but said, “I’ve found a file that needs your mother’s authorisation ... on the JCST server too … Any idea what she’d use for a password?”
It's okay either way, but I think this could be expanded a bit. Treego says he's found a file (but doesn't mention authorisation). Louis maybe grabs the mouse, or just pushes his way over to look. He's all excited, then realises, "Ugh, it needs a password." So then Treego asks if he has any idea what it is, and your story continues as written.
Yo, Louis, what’s keeping you?
When the intercom chat started, it took me a moment to realise who was talking and how. Maybe mention the intercom before his speech.
That's all I've really got to point out for this bit. I really liked it, really! I found myself getting very attached to Louis, this innocent kid wanting to find his family and identity. Keep on writing and sharing!
Thanks, Drac! Your suggestions sound good
Hey, @Dracula Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 3.4 is up
Hi there! I'm here for a short review.
Ok. Now the reason I said this will be short is because there's not a lot to correct here. I'll start by saying: Wow! Even though I haven't read your previous chapters, I wasn't thrown off track too much by this chapter. I understood what was going on, and it felt like I already knew the characters. That's a great thing to have in stories. I also liked the conversation and description of the characters. I could easily picture them doing what they were doing and had a fun time watching them interact. You adhered to Treego's point of view well too. Good job.
Now here's some little teeny picky things.
So. No, I'm not going to grill you. I'm not a hard reviewer. However there are a couple nitpicks and things I have questions about.
There should be a question mark here.
This sentence is a bit wordy and run on. This part:
…sounds a little bit off. Another way of writing it could be:
“You’ve just found evidence of your captain’s sister on his arch enemy’s sister, as well as his parents’ phone number,
andyou weren’t even telling him – then the deep grating of a crocodile’s voice calls your name from the depths of the farthest corridor.”Or something like that. Tip: Toy with this. It’s your story. Find a way you really want to say it, but make sure the reader can easily understand.
That's it of what I saw. You did really well here. You're hard to review, which is a good thing. There aren't many nitpicks in here, therefore I don't have much to say. I guess I'm pretty much done here. I'll probably check on your other chapters (if they're in the Green Room :p) and review them as well. Anyway, happy writing! Keep up the good work.
~Me
Thanks for the review!