The biting of it's icy flakes
Isn’t as joyous as it seems
Like a double sided knife filled with memories.
Love and laughter, partners in crime with the destroyer
His season eventually fades
The mist remains
A new beginning and a change in time
Mellow and cool was their new disguise
They stare in disbelief as they smile and swagger in the wind
They breathe the scent of a satisfying, fresh air
And feel the green grass beneath their hair
It was only for a period they were no longer mellow and cool
With their harmful rays things got heated
And people began dying
Flip flops and bathing suits, the only weapon to win this battle
By this time
Those that remain shall wilt, until, at last they lay
A rampage of fatalities take over, nothing remain
The cycle will continue till she at last blooms again.
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Hey, Viv here to do a review.
This is a really nice poem with good imagery and great wording. Though i felt the last line of the last stanza ws a little awkward, but it was possibly just how I read it. No, nitpick time.
Firstly, the first line: "The biting of it icy flakes". The "it" should probably be "its".
The line "Like double sided knife...", there should be an "a" between Like and Double.
I feel like there should be a comma after "Love and laughter". Also, there should be an "s" after fade in the line "His season eventually fade".
In the second stanza second line, the sentence might flow smoother if the "were" is "was".
Other than that, i think your poem is great. Happy Review Day and keep writing.
Thanks for your comment, it was appreciated.
My first impression is the abstractness of this poem, despite this, you've managed to make the topic quite clear, even without reading the title, so I commend you on that.
This is a little confusing. What do you mean by a double sided knife filled with memories? The downside of an abstract poem is how hard it can be to comprehend it. This is a personal preference, but I prefer poems that the everyday person can relate too. I have a vague idea of it's meaning, but it would be good if you made it clearer!
I love this part for the clearness and truth in here. You managed to condense Winter into a single sentence.
I'm a little doubtful about the use of 'nice' here. It doesn't seem to suit the style of the poem you're writing in general.
This sentence made me laugh. Up to you whether that's a good thing or not!
Thank you
the first parafraph started off with a comparison of winter with that of a double sided knife, because like the knife it can be use for good and for bad, winter to me is a good and a bad season. good in the scene that there is fun to play in the snow, etc, but bad in cases of snow storms etc. hope that puts some clarity to the poem. i know that nice is a vague word but at the time of writing i couldn't find a suitable adjective to describe the fresh air.
This is an amazing pice of writing. It is filled with emotion; pain, sadness, hope and happiness. It draws upon personal memories and thoughts, some good, others bad. You have linked the different seasons to different emotions. For example;
"The biting of it icy flakes
Isn’t as joyous as it seems"
Is about winter, and it makes it seem as though winter is a time of misery and pain, linked to memories of the past. Memories that should not be dwelled upon, where as the lines:
"They breathe the scent of nice fresh air
And feel the green grass beneath their hair"
aare obviously linked to spring, a season much loved by the population of most countries. You have linked together the seasons and emotions incredibly well, it is a skill that I admire and congradulate you on you work. Well done and keep writing!
thanks much I really do appreciate you comment... it made me feel that i had done justice to the seasons; coming from someone who have only experienced only two season (rain and sun
) all my life... thanks again. 