why cant I be like little tweeter?
everything for him is done on time
But no I, I'm just a procrastinator
I just have to waste time
on the verge of tears I sit and stare
you look like something rear
I ponder upon what this little black bird have to share
distracted form my thought as you chumped sweet music for my ear
you have done it all
me, I'm always falling back
you have it planed for summer winter spring and even fall.
because of this, I collect jealousy anger and hatred fills up my sack
For now time-management is my new word
For now, best wishes Timely bird
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hello! I recognise this is an old piece but it looks sad and lonely with so few reviews and even if your skills have moved on, I'm sure the comments will still be helpful for future pieces!
I think you meant rare!Specifics
1. I like the idea of giving the bird a name or an identity, but I don't know that little tweeter works. It feels as if it undermines the bird somehow and I'd rather see you set this bird up as a great creature and something to be placed on a pedestal and admired.
2. Oh please explain! How is everything done for him on time and is that what you were going for, rather than by him? It seems a strange approach as the narrator appears to lament their own laziness and how they procrastinate so surely you meant things done by the bird and not for? Otherwise that's a new level of laziness and while amusing, it doesn't quite fit with the theme you appear to be aiming for!
3.
4. I'm not sure the rhyming is really doing much for you as it's not quite on rhythm. I like the idea of having this as a rhyming poem as you could use it to mimic bird song and of course rhythm= time which would match your theme and be very awesome! But you need to do it with purpose. Either make it regular or have a sort of erratic irregularness to it which will reflect the narrator's lack of ability to keep time. Now that would be really nifty!
Overall
I love the idea behind this, but it needs work! I want to see specific examples of how a bird is timely, how they make a new nest every year and are always done in time for mating season. I want to hear you describe how the bird's every movement is rhythm with the perfect up and down of wings and I want to see you really drill it home.
At the moment you've got good ideas and the bare bones are there, but you need to add some flesh to it. I'd also love hints of what this procrastinator is avoiding! I hope that gives you a few ideas - happy writing!
Heather xxx
I love your poem but if you could add a bit more rhymes.
Wotcher!
I'm not sure how I found this, but I enjoyed it. I enjoy the procrastination theme and relating it to a bird. It feels like even something as minuscule as a bird can out-do our writer. It's relatable. There were some parts I was confused about, though...
everything for him is done on time
But no I, I'm just a procrastinator
(These lines seemed shaky. Is there a meaning behind this wording? Maybe I'm just too noobish. Nothing else confused me besides these parts, however!)
I ponder upon what this little black bird have to share
(Here you could substitute these for this, or have to has if you'd just like one bird.)
distracted form my thought as you chumped sweet music for my ear
(form into from)
you have it planed for summer winter spring and even fall.
(planed into planned)
So that's all the crit I've got and I hope it helps. Great piece, keep writing!