Young Writers Society

First, I would like to say, I really feel what you are saying. I feel the mood and darkness of the poem. I can relate to the anxiety and depression and the heavy desire of losing 10 pounds. I'm sorry if your dad does not appreciate you for who you are. Being gay is not rebelling, it's just a preference. I hope you find a way to connect with him and talk with him. Even if he doesn't agree with some of your life choices, he should remember he is your father, and should love you for who you are no matter what. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you or support you. I think expressing yourself through your writing is amazing and you are really, very talented in the way you do it. If you have not already, I ask that you go to the Green Room and read the poem called "Hurt" written by me. It is my first piece and would love to hear your thoughts on it! Thanks! Again, I hope everything with your dad gets better!!

Hey AutoPilot.

I will start with this . I feel it . The deepness of poem , the darkness of world . As i am also a teenager , i can really feel it . Specially the way you decribe it , it's beautiful , amazing and intresting tooo.

I hope you will get on this , you will reach the , my prayers are with you , keep going and never give up . ☺.

YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I know how it feels to have people judge for what you like. boys or girls.
I am still struggling with the fact. if I am bi or not. I still haven't told many people who care about me.
I hope that you will find happiness. and that your dad will understand you. and that never stop reaching out your mind, heart and soul to the world with your work.
did you ever end up reading this or giving this to your dad?
I am curious thats alll
yours truly - Autumn Dawn

I just want to start off by saying this is a really really good read! It's such a relatable piece for most every teen struggles with the relationship they have with their parents in some way or another and you did a great job of voicing the frustration so many teens struggle with in their home lives.
I don't have much to critique honest but I would say that some parts of the poem would flow better if it we're structured a little differently and unnessary words are taken out for example

"Because what he hates is that i like the same thing as him

Meaning, girls"

Could just be

"what he hates is that i like the same thing as him,

girls"

I was given the same advice recently and it has made such a difference in my writing, sometimes when you use less words it makes it more impactful. I do think you are a great writer just going off this poem alone, so keep up the good work!

Hi there AutoPilot! You reviewed my poem so I'm here to return the favor.

First off, I'll say that I really like the last few lines, especially "acting straight would be rebelling against myself".

However, I think this poem takes a little too long to get to the point, and it unintentionally makes some not-so-great correlations along the way. The speaker starts by saying she's flawed, and as much as I like the line "perfection is not listed on my resume", I'm worried this opener leads to the conclusion that being gay is a flaw, which is literally the opposite of what you're trying to say.

Then the speaker takes a detour into talking about their mental health issues, which again makes the false correlation that being gay is equivalent to being mentally ill. I can almost see the dad deciding that the speaker has these problems because they're gay. Even though that is absolutely 100% not true, I think I would save the reflections on depression/anxiety for another poem.

I have access to a list of illegal fast forward, pause, and slow buttons

But I'm clean, and purposefully so

Hey @AutoPilot,

This spoke to me immediately. To be perfectly frank, I haven't been on YWS in months and your piece pulled me into reviewing! (I only came to poke around.)

Anyway, onto the review!

******************************

Hi

I know I'm flawed

I'm a teen, perfection is not listed on my resume

For life

**I'd take out "For life". Throws off your rhythm.


But I'm still trying

And could someone please tell my dad?

**Again, for rhythm, I'd take out the "And". Flows better without it.


Tell him that I'm actually great

Well actually not

With depression and anxiety

And this problem with always needing to lose ten pounds

No matter what the scale says

But outside

I'm a great kid

I have access to a list of illegal fast forward, pause, and slow buttons
**I didn't understand this line... Could you go further into detail here?


But I'm clean, and purposefully so

**This one too... Clean how?

But can someone please tell my dad?

Because what he hates is that i like the same thing as him

Meaning, girls

Can someone tell my dad?

**I see that you are going for repetition here, and I love the concept, but this one isn't necessary. (---See below)

Being gay

Isn't rebelling, acting straight would be rebelling against myself

And can someone please tell my dad?

**---This one is perfectly placed!

Because his ears are deaf to me


***************************************

Overall, I thought this was touching, AutoPilot. Nicely done! Simple but to the point.

If I can answer any questions, feel free to drop me a pm.

Write On,
Mav

http://www.mavisknightley.com