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139,610 Literary Works • 672,619 Reviews
Reviewing lyrics is always bit weird because it's meant to be heard rather than read. That said, this seems uneven, and I believe that's because of the rhyming scheme.
Verse 1 goes AA, BB, CC, which is good. But then verse 2 goes A, B, C, C, D, E, E. The first two lines don't rhyme even though it seems like that's what you were going for. Even if they did though, the D that's thrown in there is out of place. Verse 3 kind of has a rhyming scheme, but it seems like you're stretching things.
Having a rhyming scheme is hardly essential, but if you include it, then it should be carried throughout the work. Otherwise, it sounds uneven and rocky. The reader at least gets used to reading in rhyme, and so when that rhythm gets disturbed, it messes things up. For the listener, I guess it depends on how it's sung.
Hey Archie!
Verse One:
The lines here seem quite detatched, rather than continuing on one from another. I feel like there's only half a scene being set and half a story being told. I know, lyrics work differently to poetry, but I still think there has to be some quality and consistency to them otherwise they'll have less impact on your audiance.
Verse Two:
This one didn't make much sense to me at all. Sorry =p There is less continuity than verse one, and a little more vagueness. Especially with 'A half-wit's what you exeed,' this seems like a forced rhyme, and I don't fully understand what it means.
Pre-chorus:
"Revolving around jealousy because we did not speak nicely." Read it. Read it again. It sounds a little like a bad translation. Again, I know it would probably sound cooler with music, but you can't rely on music alone to cover up scuffly lyrics.
Chorus:
Haha XD
Verse three:
Oh how I love verse three! It makes more sense and I can feel the emotion conveyed much clearer. I can also better see it being sung by someone with or without music, where the other verses seem like they would heavily rely on the music. Verse three is great and most definately my favourite.
Overall:
I like the theme that you're trying to get across (I think,) but it doesn't come across all that clearly. Try listening to some other musicians of the same genre and then take a look at their lyrics separate from the music and look at them purely for the poetic value. Remember that your fans will be disecting your lyrics too.
I would add a chorus between verus one and two.