Young Writers Society

Hi Tam !!

I'm very disappointed in your spelling errors unacceptable, however I really did like the icy eyes they made me think of yours the cold unyielding eyes that constantly put me down but I can't help to be drawn to them none the less. If only you loved me like I loved you it would set me free, set me free, set me free. You release the demon inside of me and one day I hope that time will make you feel the same as me.

Ndubz xxxx

Hi Tamara!

I won't be going to those couple of spelling errors, because it seems like you have been mentioned about them already.

I like the first verse, and also the repetition of the last lines. "Eyes" and "surprise" sound very - wait for it - nice! The second verse is good too, and actually the two verses are my favourite part of this song. The chorus unfortunately flops for me a bit, because it sounds cliche compared to the verses. "There's a demon inside waiting to be set free" and all the other ways to say this same thing are something that I've seen and heard so much, and it's very difficult to differentiate between songs if they have lots of similarities like that.

Unfortunately I have to say the same thing about the very last line of the song. I could even go as far as to say that I really dislike the phrase "set me free" now, only because I've heard it so many times! So, of course, in my opinion, it's something to avoid.

Other than that, keep lyricing! It's a cool skill I wish I had!


Demeter
x

Hello there, Monkey! My name's Rose, and I'm here to offer my thoughts on this piece.

Overall, I like this song. My favorite part of it is the feeling I get when I read it. It has a charming sort of lovelorn carelessness; I quite like it. Do you have music written to it? I imagine this song being accompanied by an acoustic guitar or perhaps a piano. Either way, it's awesome.

"If I had been somewhat supportive
Would that have made one hinge of a difference?
In them icy eyes judging others by surprise
In them icy eyes judging others by surprise"

I like how you used the word "them" instead of "those." While it's not exactly grammatically correct, it adds a nice touch of personality to this piece. I'm a fan.

"'Cos when you saw that light, where you thinking of me?"

Instead of "where," it should be "were." It's just a nitpick, but I thought I'd point it out anyway.


"But I can tell something's bugging you
One day your life will shatter too
In them icy eyes I can see your shallow lies
In them icy eyes I can see your shallow lies"

I know that the rhythm of a song can change depending on how it's sung; it can have one rhythm when it's simply being read and entirely another when it's sung the way it was intended to be. Still, I'm going to rewrite this so it's a little bit smoother when it's read, okay?

"But I can tell that something's bugging you
One day your life will shatter too
In them icy eyes, I see your shallow lies
In them icy eyes, I see your shallow lies"

Overall, nice work! Always keep writing!

-Rose

Hi there!

I like the lyrics, they're abstract but have a very grounded picture in the eyes.

First, the line "One hinge of a difference" doesn't seem right to me. I've personally never heard the phrase "a hinge of a difference" but that may just be me If I were you I'd choose "speck" or "bit" instead of "hinge".

I like the meter of your chorus. It flows well, which makes it clear that you weren't scrambling for rhyming words.

I don't know the intended genre for these lyrics, but I would strongly recommend saying in "those" icy eyes as opposed to "them". I suppose it would not make as much difference when sung, but it's distracting to read.

I love verse two. Like, a lot. It's very directed.

Thanks for sharing this! It's wonderful

I really liked this!

First Verse: I might remove "one hinge of" in the second line. Makes it a little too wordy.

Chorus: ..."where you thinking of me?" *were instead of 'where'

I really liked the second to last line in the last chorus "There's a demon inside waiting to be set free."

It'd be cool to hear the melody and music to this! Good job!