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Joker Missed - Released - Chapter 1

by Archangel


It's been two weeks since the hospital let me out. That means it's been almost two months since the explosion in the bank I had been in. I'm not surprised that I'm not in the news. If the Joker heard, I would be on his hit list. Or dead. But I could see myself in the paper or on TV...



- Imagination -



*Reporter* "21-year-old (Y/N) (L/N) has just survived an attack on yet another bank by The Joker! She's currently being rushed to the ER in hopes to save her life. Will she survive? And if she does, is she safe?"



-End imagination-



I chuckle to myself and decide to go out tonight. I can't live my life afraid that The Joker will hunt me down and kill me or something like that. I have to live my life to the fullest.



"Who knows... Maybe I'll meet a nice guy there." I go to my closet and go through my clothes and decide on my favorite pair of blue jeans, a teal flannel with a dark maroon tank top underneath, and to top it off my tan boot wedges. Next is hair and make-up. I pull my hair up into a high ponytail and curl the end of my dark brown hair. For makeup, I go with the basics and use white eyeshadow and a tiny touch of pink mixed with my bronze lipstick. Grabbing my jean purse, I put everything I need inside and leave the house, locking the door. I walk down the stairs out of the apartment complex that I live in and walk towards what everyone calls club square.



There was one club among the rest that was more vibrant than the rest. It was called 'Laughs and Grins'.



'That sounds familiar...' I shrug at the thought and head towards the club anyway. I ended up flirting my way into the club since I didn't have a pass but, I eventually got in.



'Man! This place is packed!' It was hard to get to a both so that I could sit down and get a drink, maybe even something light to snack on. That too, I eventually got. After I ordered a virgin strawberry kiwi martini and a plate of popcorn chicken, I looked around at what was going on. All the guys at the bar were drunk or being dragged out the back door by the bouncer, and the guys on the dance floor were swarmed by girls. I slowly munched on my popcorn chicken and continued to watch the room for potential boyfriend material.



'Hmmm... I don't think I'll find any here. This was a waste of time. But it would be a waste if I just used all that feminine power to get in just to be here for... What? Ten minutes?' I shook my head and finished my food then, took my drink and moved to the bar. I finish the drink. Then, I need a gangsta started to play.



"Oh yeah!" I yelled, moving to the dance floor. As I was about to step onto the dance floor I saw Him. The Joker. He was sitting watching the people dance and have a good time from behind a beaded curtain.



'I need to get out of here! What if he sees me?!' Soon as I see him I try to get to the door as fast but calmly as possible. I'm almost out the door when I look over my shoulder and then he turns his head and makes eye contact with me. I brake our moment of connection and leave, going straight home. Luckily, I can sprint in these shoes.



'Did he recognize me?'


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Wed May 23, 2018 3:12 pm
ShadowRing123 says...



I have a suggestion for one sentence. 'There was one club among the rest that was more vibrant than the rest.' Maybe you should try 'More vibrant that the others.' Just a suggestion.




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Tue Mar 13, 2018 9:35 pm
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Hattable wrote a review...



Hey there. Saw this and thought I'd drop a review!

So your first paragraph is kind of... not clunky? But feels clunky?
There's the mentioned of two weeks since the hospital let her out, and that meaning the explosion happened two months ago, but I'm sure you could figure out a better way to word all of this? The way it is now is kind of awkward. You could try something along the lines of: “It had been two months since the explosion in the bank, and two weeks since the hospital released me.”

(Another thing, you can cut down on words by replacing “let me out” with “released”, see? Unless you're really intent on a specific word count, this is probably a better way to go, as it makes your writing more rich and enticing, y'know?)

The second portion of this paragraph is a bit confusing.

I'm not surprised that I'm not in the news. If the Joker heard, I would be on his hit list. Or dead. But I could see myself in the paper or on TV...

So, she's not in the news. She's not surprised by that. Then she starts freaking out about the Joker hearing about a survivor of his attack. Okay. And then she starts imagining the scenario, should the news report her survival.

I only just got that after reading it a few times, oops. So-- this could really do well with some editing. The way it's worded originally gave me a sense of contradiction – it sounded like she wasn't in the news, and then saw herself in it.

The next line, where you outright state that it's “imagination” (and then “end imagination”), could also do with some TLC. If you removed the “-Imagination-” tag and worked it into a transition from her thinking about being in the news straight into the reverie itself, I'm sure it'd help the flow and make for a nicer read. As it is, it just feels awkward and disconnecting, and you don't want readers being disconnected from the story, especially so early on.

You could say something like: “I could almost hear the news coverage,” and then insert a bit of what that might sound like.

Speaking of news coverage...
*Reporter* "21-year-old (Y/N) (L/N) has just survived an attack on yet another bank by The Joker! She's currently being rushed to the ER in hopes to save her life. Will she survive? And if she does, is she safe?"

I doubt a reporter would say “Will she survive? And if she does, is she safe?”. For one, it sounds incredibly unprofessional. I don't think they'd even be allowed to say something like that. Secondly, it's kind of rude to the victim? And even if you were going for an angle where your MC is trodden down by everyone, the local news reporters probably wouldn't be so personally offensive to her, haha.


Another thing, real quick, with her whole fear of the Joker (I read ahead a bit, as well, so this can apply to most of the work, though there are a couple points where she seems to get over this mindset, but)

I don't know much about the Joker, but I'm pretty sure he's more about random chaos and whatnot than... Hunting down a random survivor, who he has little way of even knowing was at the bank? I understand that the main character might have some paranoia about the Joker wanting to finish the job, but if she'd stop and think, she could probably figure that he was unlikely to have seen or remembered her? So freaking out about it feels kind of unrealistic? Especially considering she exists in the same world as the Joker, and therefore would know about his M.O. and all, right? So she should know he isn't one to hunt down a random survivor of one of his attacks?

I dunno, I don't read many Batman/Joker comics, but that's my understanding of him as a character. And even if he were one to hunt someone down for surviving an attack of his, he'd have to really remember her being there, wouldn't he?

The Joker you've painted here feels more like Deathstroke to me. But I don't even know a ton about Deathstroke, lel.


Moving on, though!

I chuckle to myself and decide to go out tonight. I can't live my life afraid that The Joker will hunt me down and kill me or something like that. I have to live my life to the fullest.

So she's decided to disregard these fears! For the moment. Does she realize that he's probably not going to recall her, or be looking for her?
I will point out a couple grammatical issues here – one being that you continuously type “The Joker” with a capital T. I'm pretty sure the T would be lowercase, though, so it'd be “the Joker” (unless you start a sentence out mentioning him, of course.)
Other thing is that you say “hunt me down and kill me or something like that.”

I don't mean to sound too harsh, but, “or something like that” is simply lazy writing. We need to be given some image of what he would do, or what she thinks he would do. Add some emotion to the part. Show some of her fear. You can explore the MC's thoughts a bit more before having her strut out on the town.
“Or something like that” is so dismissive, but it can be removed and open a place for plenty of good development in this sentence!


Oh, another thing real fast – you've got a lot of massive spaces between your paragraphs. I have no idea how you do it on YWS, it could really help with my poem formatting, but for prose it makes the work look kind of choppy. If you can figure out how to lessen the massive spaces, it can make your work look much neater.


"Who knows... Maybe I'll meet a nice guy there."

Meet a nice guy where? She's said she's going out but hasn't quite specified where. Also, I'd recommend replacing that ellipsis with a comma (or a question mark, like “Who knows? Maybe [...]”) to neaten the dialogue itself. Then you can add a dialogue tag to make the scene flow smoother.
Since this is the first actual dialogue (not counting the reporter she imagined), I think it's important to have a dialogue tag, but it's entirely up to you. This is just a suggestion!

I put everything I need inside and leave the house, locking the door. I walk down the stairs out of the apartment complex that I live in and walk towards what everyone calls club square.

I wasn't going to touch on anything else in the clothing scene paragraph, but I thought I'd point a couple things out here. Firstly, you called it a “house”, but then describe it as an apartment complex? This should probably be fixed to say that she left her apartment, or flat, or some other synonym (I suggest words other than apartment since you say “apartment complex” immediately after, but it's entirely up to you).
Second thing is “club square”. If that's its name, or even what people call it, then it should be capitalized. (So “Club Square”).

There was one club among the rest that was more vibrant than the rest.

“among the rest” “more vibrant than the rest”. This sentence could also use some work on it. The repetition of “the rest” cracks my concentration on the story and breaks the flow, plus it's not entirely proper? You could reword it to something like: “There was one club that stood out, more vibrant than the rest.” and get pretty much the same idea across.

Then, I need a gangsta started to play.

I'm assuming this is a song? If so, it should be within apostrophes and/or italicized ('I need a gangsta') and unless it's spelled all lowercase like that, it should be capitalized. I'm not familiar with the song or the title, though, so I can't really say much on that.

I yelled, moving to the dance floor. As I was about to step onto the dance floor I saw Him. The Joker.

Okay, so we know she's moving to the dance floor. Immediately mentioning it again in the next sentence is awkward, so I'd suggest saying something like “As I reached it, I saw him.” or “Halfway there, I saw him.” Poor examples on my part, but I'm sure you could come up with something better!
Also, “him” shouldn't be capitalized? Unless he's God or Jesus or something like that, lel. If you want to emphasis it, you can italicize the word, but capitalizing it is unnecessary and grammatically improper.
(Also wow, crazy good eyesight on our MC if she could see him through a crowded club and behind a beaded curtain, haha)

I brake our moment of connection and leave

Unless she's stopping a car *finger guns* then this should be spelled “break”. There was also a point when she first entered the club that you misspelled “booth” as “both”, if you wanna go and fix that for future readers!

Overall, the pacing for this chapter felt a bit quick; it was probably smoothest in the middle, between getting ready and just before reaching the dance floor. Though, I suppose it makes sense for the pacing to speed up as she tries to escape the club before the Joker sees her.
The MC come across to me as a typical fanfic OC, but that's no big deal. I'm sure you'll figure out a way to develop her into a great character (or maybe you already have – I haven't read the next few chapters yet.)

Hopefully this review didn't seem too harsh, I'm just looking to help out!
Good luck with future stories!

- Hatt




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Tue Mar 13, 2018 3:30 am
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Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, Archangel. I am here to provide you with a review. Let's get started, shall we?

Character:
Personally, I love your character. She was remaining positive despite of all the issues that were happening to her. She wanted to find love. Hopefully, I'll get to see more of your character develop in future chapters.
The Joker. I'm afraid to ask but, is he going to be her love interest? I kind of find that interesting if that's the case. If not, disregard this.
Is this going to be The Joker personality from Batman or from Suicide Squad?

Setting:
I wish you could've described what the inside of the club was like. Make sure in your future chapters that you describe some of the places your character will be going to. You don't have to describe in full detail, but enough information to provide imagery to your readers.

Plot:
Okay, so far as I know, the plot seems to be that the main character is afraid to be hunted down by the Joker. Is that right?
Maybe I'll get to learn more about the story if you decide to continue your novel.
I enjoyed the story so far. Since this chapter is short, I don't really have much to say about it.
Keep up the great work. Keep writing! Be sure to tag me when you update this.

- Kanome




Archangel says...


Yes, Joker and the character get together in the end and I'm using Suicide Squad as my inspiration. Yes, she's scared of the Joker finding out who she is. She thinks if he finds out that she survived one of his bank heists, she'll be killed.



Kanome says...


Interesting. Can't wait to read more!



Archangel says...


More is coming. I have quite a few lined up. I just need the points.



Kanome says...


I got you.



Archangel says...


OMG! Thanks so much! In return, I posted some more of the chapters for you.




Just think happy thoughts and you'll fly.
— Peter Pan