Hello! I'm here for another quick review!
it bad news.
*it's, not it.
"It is not good Mr.J."
In all the Batman media I've consumed, I can only remember Harley Quinn calling the Joker "Mr. J" or "Mistah J" or any variants thereof. I don't think a goon would be allowed to call him that.
Also, there should be a space between "Mr." and "J".
All four cars had their tires popped.
Alright, so I'm fairly certain that a car can keep on driving with a flat tire! It's ridiculously dangerous and not at all good for the car, but I highly doubt that the Joker's goons would care about that. They're on orders to complete a mission, not care about the safety of the car. In addition to that thought, the previous chapter only showed Macy firing the gun four times. That can be an annoyance, but I don't believe that it can incapacitate them.
Here's a question I should have asked last chapter: Why weren't there other cars on the road? Surely Val and the Joker's goons would have been dodging the other poor cars caught up in the hullabaloo. I'm pretty sure the other drivers wouldn't be experiencing fahrvergnügen. Speeding is dangerous.
'WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFICULT!?'
This is a stylistic choice on my end, but I prefer to showcase thoughts in italics. Single quotation marks only make me think of dialogue (given that some Brits use single quotation marks instead of double quotation marks), meanwhile italics are very clearly associated with thought. Italics also flows smoothly and is easier on the eyes in terms of comprehension.
You don't have to change it, though! It's just a stylistic choice.
We are waiting to see if the tracker they through at the vehicle latched on and if it will work.
"[T]hrough" should be "threw".
I can't remember anything in the previous chapter talking about a tracker. How did they get it on there? They threw it? Wouldn't it be difficult to throw something onto a moving vehicle that's ahead of you and speeding? Why did Val or Macy notice the tracker? I'm not entirely certain how that's supposed to work.
Is this work supposed to be in the past tense or the present tense? It switches around in the dialogue and in Joker's thought process which makes it hard to tell. I think either tense could work for this story, but you have to pick one and stick with it. Switching between the two leads for clunky writing and it offsets the flow. Here's a good article on it at theeditorsblog.net
"Come in." Thane opens the door and holds out his hand.
Having Thane's name follow the dialogue can cause the reader to believe that Thane is talking. That can lend itself to some confusion.
I am no longer yours. Deadshot proposed to me, and I said yes.
I don't... exactly understand why Harley left the Joker in this fanfic. In most canons, Harley is completely enraptured by the Joker. And when she does the Joker, to my knowledge, she's left him for Poison Ivy. I don't think there's any romance with Deadshot? Although I could be wrong. However, Deadshot seems pretty set on trying to make life better for his kid; I'm not sure if he would actually have time for any romantic attachment, much less having time to move to a vacation island.
I wonder if I will ever be able to be around them without wanting to ruin their lives.
So, in one comic, Harley left the Joker for a year. She gave birth. Had a kid. He didn't notice. Sure, he might feel slighted here, but I'm not sure if he would care that deeply? He might move onto another girl, but I don't think Harley leaving him would cause him to change his behavior in any way, shape, or form. Here's a link to the comic strip.
Okay, that's all I had to say for this chapter. I hope that you'll keep on writing!
-E
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Reviews: 324
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