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Joker Missed - Taken Away - Chapter 7

by Archangel

Last time

Joker POV

'She's... Marring... Deadshot?' I curl my hands into fists. Then I exhale. She was right. I wanted to hurt them. Both of them. Deadshot for taking her away from me, and Harley for leaving me for him, I guy she barely knew! I made her who she is! I wonder if I'll ever be able to be around them without wanting to ruin their lives.

'So, what is next for me?'



Playing Champion with the boys last night was fun as usual and very tiring. Val ended up carrying back to my apartment and putting me to bed. When I woke up Storm, my wolf was curled up at the end of the bed. I smile and watch her for a little while before getting up and getting ready for the day. Even though the day goes on uneventfully, I had a nagging feeling that Something was brewing. And when it hit - It was going to hit hard.

(TIME SKIP (I'm lazy. Get over it.))

~Two mouths later~

"Hey, (Y/N)!" Val waves at me as I approach him with my lunch in hand, Storm at my heels. I jog the rest of the way, a smile on my face.

"Hay is for horses. What's up?"

"One: Wrong type of hey. I meant the greeting and yes I know you know that but just wanted to tease me. Two: the boss thinks it's finally safe for you to leave. Of course, you shouldn't go to Gotham. And still keep a low profile, just in case." I nod along. And ask,

"You think they'll let me back in? Work for the Company again?" I look at Val who shrugs.

"No clue, honestly. But if they don't welcome you back keep in touch." I dig into my food and secretly put a cupcake saying 'it's a boy!' on his head. As people pass the, see it and snicker. Val looks at them like they're crazy until he notices me trying to hold in a laugh myself. He narrows his eyes till they are barely slits.

"What. Did. You. Do." His voice drops, so it's a deadly octave, giving no room for argument from any ordinary person. But I'm not ordinary. I smile at him innocently.

"Whatever are you talking about?" right then the cupcake goes flying because an explosion went off. Val pulls me to a hidden underground bunker made for just this reason. We stay in there for a long time waiting and listening for people trying to get in. I was half sleep and hidden behind some old blankets, waiting for Val to give me the all clear. I faintly hear a scuffle going on as I huddle in my hiding place. I close my eyes and listen as the fight comes to a close, slowly drifting to sleep. I hear groaning and feel cold air against my back, and I shiver. My body is wrapped in a warm blanket and gently picked up. I figure that Val wanted me to sleep, so he was going to carry me to a safe place to rest. I rest my head on his shoulder and let him take me away. I hear a car door open, and I'm placed in a car seat, stretched across what seems to be the back seat. The door shuts, and another opens. Once again comes the slam of a car door and then the quiet purr of the engine as it's brought to life. Sleep overtakes me, and I don't wake up till much later. When I did, however, I woke to a big surprise.

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324 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 324

Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:18 am
Evander wrote a review...

Hey, Archangel! I'm here for one more quick review!

Where does the second scene start? Are they on the grounds of HQ? What do the grounds look like? There are other people around, so I'm assuming they could be on the front lawn? (Or Maybe HQ can function as a campus, given the fact that Macy has an apartment there.) But there's also an underground bunker incredibly close by and that skews my perception of the scene a little bit. More direct description could really help with that.

Alright, shoot. Who is this boss? They care for Macy enough to not let her get killed, but they also won't let her back into the Company? What did she do? What does the Company even do? Macy can shoot, has bombs on hand, and apparently has the skills to wipe all of her information from the internet. I'm guessing she got that information from the Company and not some summer camp when she was 12. I don't understand why things are being kept vague with the Company. It doesn't lend itself to any grand mystery--it's just somewhat annoying.

I really hope that the big reveal can pay off to all the hype.

I dig into my food and secretly put a cupcake saying 'it's a boy!' on his head.

Where did she get this cupcake? How did she get this cupcake? Did Macy just come back from a gender reveal party for a coworker? Also, unless he was wearing a hat, then I don't buy that he didn't notice the weight of the cupcake. And, unless the cupcake was sticking to his head, then it probably would be prone to falling off if Val moved his head to look around.

I don't get that scene as a comedy scene? It's not all that funny and doesn't really offer any new character insight. Other than wondering how Macy got the cupcake, I don't really take away anything substantial from that interaction.

"Whatever are you talking about?" right then the cupcake goes flying because an explosion went off.

One: Capitalize the "r" in "right.
Two: If the blast was strong enough to send the cupcake flying, then I don't think that would be the first thing on Macy's mind. She and Val probably would have been knocked to the ground with that much force. Also, I can't tell if they're outside or inside, but there should probably be debris and shrapnel flying.

The end of the story happens really suddenly, all smushed together in that one paragraph. I'd suggest spacing it out and working on the tension a bit more. It does have the chance to be genuinely surprising, but it lacks that build up with the smushed togetherness of it.

Okay, that's all I have to say for now! I hope that you will keep on writing! Keep me updated if you post any more! If you have any questions, feel free to let me know.


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418 Reviews

Points: 135
Reviews: 418

Sun Mar 25, 2018 1:37 am
Vervain wrote a review...

Hey! I haven't read the previous chapters, but I've skimmed them, so I have a basic understanding of the story so far. I won't comment on plot completely, but I'll try to integrate it into my feedback. So let's jump in!

Last time
This is not a TV show. This is not a podcast. It's not even a serial piece. It hasn't come out a week or month after the last bit -- and even if it had, we could have easily clicked back to the last chapter and read it for ourselves. You don't need to recap the chapter each time.

'She's... Marring... Deadshot?'
Typo-check. This has a very different meaning than "she's marrying Deadshot". Also, why Deadshot and not Poison Ivy? Harley and Ivy have a very deep canonical relationship.

I really don't like self-insert fics. They're awkward. They're a little cringey. And they keep the reader from actually relating to the character. You might think you're making a character the reader can just paste themselves into, but I don't relate to a chick who laces her apartment with bombs and detonates them with no regard to anyone else who lives in her apartment building. I want to read about Old Miss Jones upstairs who was knocked down by the blast, not the Rebellious Cool Chick who doesn't care about the people around her.

When I woke up Storm, my wolf was curled up at the end of the bed.
She has a wolf? What? I don't remember reading about this anywhere else. Did she have the wolf in her normal apartment before all this? This is just tossed in there out of the blue and it's totally confusing.

(TIME SKIP (I'm lazy. Get over it.))
~Two mouths later~
Why did nothing happen in those two months? Why did it take two months for Joker to find the main character? And why are you annotating your time skips? I get that this is supposed to be fun to write and fun to read, but this reads like something that should be posted on FanFiction.Net in the Olden Days. And I was there for those days, so trust me. It doesn't belong even in a modern fanfiction, let alone a piece you intend to receive critique.

I dig into my food and secretly put a cupcake saying 'it's a boy!' on his head. As people pass the, see it and snicker. Val looks at them like they're crazy until he notices me trying to hold in a laugh myself.
Why doesn't he notice a cupcake on his head? Why does she do this? Why do people think it's funny? Is it just because the MC is a Mary Sue so everyone has to think she's funny or else her powers dissipate? I don't get it. I don't like it. It doesn't belong here.

"What. Did. You. Do."
This. Is. How. We. Show. Tension. But seriously, there are better ways to show tension and intentional pronunciation than just putting periods between every word.

Overall, I don't find this piece impressive. It has the idea for a cool piece about running from the Joker, but overall -- and this chapter in particular -- it has the feeling of not actually having consequences. The main character just Does Stuff and it never comes actually crashing down on her head. She won't get actually hurt; she'll just be prettily scarred or she'll get out in just the nick of time.

There's no tension to the piece, and I don't really feel a connection to the character -- which is death in a self insert fic.

Keep writing!

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
— W. Somerset Maugham