Heyo, Archangel! I'm back for another review!
'(Y/N). (Y/N) (L/N). She's such a beauty.'
I know that saying "Y/N" allows for the readers to insert themselves into the story, but this is where it gets incredibly clunky. It's really hard to initially insert a name into the story, so all the reader really sees is a mess of slashes and letters. There's a lot of wish fulfillment fanfiction out there that use OCs (original characters) and become incredibly successful. The Y/N can be beneficial sometimes, but it might be easier to give the main character a name. She already has a job that the average person wouldn't be able to relate to (not a lot of people work for an Ominous Company and have access to bombs), so giving her a name could actually help. Since she's the main character, I'm going to refer to her as Macy Carter (MC) from here on out.
My boys could only find her name, picture, and an address before everything on her was deleted.
That's quite a bit of information about a person. Also, it's really hard to scrub information off of the internet. Like, ridiculously hard. There are sites that will literally catalogue people's names and addresses and you can pay a small monthly fee to look. It can take a lot of work to scrub everything about yourself off the internet, and it's not even guaranteed to work.
"When she doesn't want to be found, she goes all out. Got to give her that." I look around and see a camera. I smile.
How does he know that she didn't die in the blast?
I look around and see a camera. I smile.
Where did he find the camera? What was it on? Was it a public camera or a private camera? How does Joker have access to a lot of private information? Like, what type of crime syndicate does he run in this canon? Honestly, like, stuff like that is really interesting to worldbuild and can make the entire story seem richer.
before Batshit, and the police arrive.
The comma is unnecessary and incorrect. Batman and the police arrived together, so the comma just breaks up an independent clause.
How do Batman and the police not just automatically blame Joker for the bomb going off? Especially since he bombed the bank earlier in the story.
Although, I do have to say this, I'm always a sucker for interaction between the Joker and Batman. Their banter can be incredibly fun to write out and to read.
- Time skip - (Because I'm lazy as shit)
Time skips don't always mean that the author is lazy! Sometimes the scene naturally concludes and the author just needs a way to get to another scene. You don't need to always write every transition, because forcing something to be written can often come out as clunky. Honestly, I personally use the dash symbol and then just move onto the next scene. The readers will know what it means without me having to spell it out.
The plot is really gearing up! I'm still confused as to why the Joker is spending all of this time and all of these resources on Macy? He liked her laugh, so what? I'm not entirely sure if I'm missing a stronger connection or if he's doing all of this on a whim.
I do hope that you'll keep on writing! If you have any questions or comments, then feel free to let me know!
-E
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Reviews: 324
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