The smile hardly reached up to the eyes any more.
Numbness was all that the fingers bore.
The ceaseless stings of the night seemed to kill.
Tears mingled with the raindrops on the window sill.
All that goes around indeed comes around.
No one could ever fly leaving another on the ground.
If this was the long-awaited desire coming true,
Then what is it that snatched away the sky’s blue?
Though the tears keep blurring them away,
Yet the dreams once dreamt linger all day.
Hope the storms aren’t as harsh there as here.
Hold on to faith. No, do not fear.
Though as broken as broken can be,
A hope still flickers, a hope so sweet.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
That was amazing! I really liked the message of the poem. I also liked how you used figurative language to show the similarities between fear, as well as depression, and a storm. I also lked the rhyme rythm to the poem. I wrote a poem a little while ago with the same message, but it was free-verse. One of the biggest critisms of the piece was that it could have flowed better if it had rhymed. I liked he steady rythm of this poem, as well as how after each line of depression, there is a hopeful line. It really drives in the message. The only complaint I have is that the last two lines do not rhyme, while the rest of the poem does. Excellent work, though!
Hey!
Wow, I really liked the imagery in this poem. The stings of night... very nice.
My suggestions would be:
Watch your meter. Some of the lines have different counts than the one they are coupled with, and it slows down the flow of the poem. You could try eliminating unnecessary words- this is totally your call though. Some things you could change, for example, would be extra the's, such as:
Or like in the second line of the second verse, instead of saying "no one" you could just say "none" and drop a syllable.
It's totally up to you, though. Maybe I'm just a meter nut.
Also, the last line didn't really rhyme with the one before it- although, again, that's completely your call, it being poetry and all- I just found it a little distracting, which isn't very good at the end of something.
Altogether, though, I really did like this poem. I'm a pretty visual person, and so your images really struck me. They're very vivid... hope flickering, tears mingling with raindrops... just very nice.
Keep up the good work!