Young Writers Society

Wow! This is absolutely fantastic! There is so much emotion and intensity in this poem. I loved how real this piece is. Sometimes I love the timeless aspect of a poem, but in this piece I enjoyed the small references you made to modern day. When you mentioned band posters, at first I was a little thrown off by the line but the more I read on I liked how it gave an originality. You took this idea of anger and depression then you related it to today. The line about making a sandwich is sarcastic while being effective.
My favorite line by far is "Don't tell me depression is a teenage mutation..." This line is so true and relates very well into the overall idea.
One reviewer did not like the mention of suicide, which is understandable. My personal feelings on these lines are diffrent. I loved how you made your own stand on the topic.
Now, when I read through there are a few grammatical errors. I suggest you read through the piece and edit. Fix spelling, grammar, and rhythm issues. I decided not to pick out individual issue because every author has a diffrent idea on grammar. This is your piece, so use your own judgement. My only big critique is that the piece be broken into stanzas. It's very helpful to the reader if you divide the poem to allow for better flow. I'd also like to point out that you don't have to capitalize every line. It actually helps the reader if you treat every sentence like you would when writing a paragraph. Only capitalize the first letter of the first word of each sentence. This is just another tool to help the reader.
Other than my few nitpicks this was pretty amazing. I loved this poem, and would enjoy reading more of your works. Keep writing, Misstoria.

Hello Annapurna!!!
I'm hanorah and I'll be reviewing your poem today!
I loved this poem, it was heartfelt and it said all the things people think about but never say, it was sad and beautiful at the same time <3 it was brilliant!!
My only constructive critism is to maybe try to break it up into stanzas?
Overall, nice work!!
~Keep writing!

I don't know why but when I read this piece it makes me smile. I find it cynical to some extent. The poem is both objective and subjective at the same time. Also, the way use your word is quite intelligent. It gives readers a specific description on your perspective of life.
Your voice is direct and to the point. To me, it seems like you have no interest in seducing the readers with your words. Your poem simply speaks your mind without looking for approval. I respect that.

Hi Annapurna,have a good time!

First of all I generally like the originality of your piece of mind that you are talking about anything imposible to you that no one might try to hide it:

"Don’t tell me you’ve found the cure for cancer
Because for most of us it’s too late.
And if you ask for proof of a broken heart,
Check the bin you threw it in."

*"Don’t tell me...

When a father sees a mistake before a daughter
It is normal to have your tears tuck you into bed each night."(It such a beautiful opening to me)Hnestly,I'did it everytime i fight with my dad!

But anyway,the 3-4 lines does not really have any correlation between the sky and the sun.You shall add some more line here to make it work.This is just my idea;

'And if the sky is the only one looking at me,
the eye that the only one shines on my face*
Then the sun is my mother.

The same problem aslo happened in this lines:

"Don’t tell me that depression is a teenage mutation,
That my house caught flames because the English heat lit the match."(You may use a words that more poetic in this lines).

Anyway,you have such a good ideas(message) you want people to know about you.I love this stanzas much and I 'll happy to hit the like button there!

"Because school is the circus and we are merely the freak.
But do not ask me to tame the lion
If I am already inside its jaw.
As the caged tiger I refuse to perform.

Give me my D in Maths
But I earned that A in Hope!
And if you ask me to add this one last sum:
That this Black Parade of lies plus the grave I drug for heart and home
Is added to the ashes of my content,
Then I'm sorry teacher."

But still the last line make it rushed:

'But I don't want to know..'.I sure you can change it to make the ending more 'acceptable' to the reader.

Good job and please keep writing in YWS!I wish to see more masterpieces from you soon..

Hello, Anna! Noticed this in the green room - your mention of this being a spoken word poem caught my eye. Onto the review!

In my experience with reading and writing slam poetry on the page, I’ve found it helps if you insert line breaks where you, the poet, would normally pause or take a breath or stress certain words. If you have any dramatic pauses, or shift ideas or thoughts, those could form individual stanzas. Mechanics isn’t all that important for spoken word because it’s intended to be heard instead of read, but it still helps clear up some things for the reader. You also really don’t need to capitalize the first letter of every line unless you’re starting a new sentence. For instance, in my mind, I read the first 2 lines as so:

When a father sees a mistake
before a daughter, it is normal
to have your tears tuck you into bed
each night.

my house caught flames because the English heat lit the match

because for most of us, it’s too late.

Check the bin you threw it in
if you want proof of a broken
heart, because between the homework
I stuck the corpses of my past
together and called it home.

I used the plasters I saved
for broken bones to hold
together the remains

Posters of bands ... resemble my mind.

If I forget about yesterday,
will it no longer exist?

marked with tombstones

kids with no reason skip around ... existence

no right to even think of suicide!

School is the circus, and I
am the freak, a caged tiger;
I refuse to perform. Skin me
for fur, shoot me dead but expect
nothing. Expect silence.

if the circumference continues to grow

But I earned that ‘A’ in hope!

Awesome poem...There isn't a whole lot to criticize. But I think that it would have been better if the poem was separated into separate stanzas so it'd be an easier read.
As for the poem itself, I liked the transitions between ideas/issues that lots of teenagers face. I could clearly feel what the narrator was feeling with each idea/issue that came up. I loved the way it was organized, and there was a good beat (wasn't all over the place).
Great text and subtext!

Keep on writing!
Dragonrider

YA! For the longest time I felt this was real, and that I could feel the pain. You properly told the world how you felt and its what any inspiring writer should do. That was up to the point that you talked about suicide, it didn't really "feel" that you contemplated it and I don't feel like it helped convey emotion in your poem. At that point your words felt a little fake.

I'm not saying you haven't felt it but I take your poem as a character and that character didn't seem to want to kill themselves just hated life at the moment.

Anyways I would take the suicide out because it didn't feel like it belonged there.

Thanks,
4/6

Imhero:D

Ohh...

I felt anger in this poem...

I like how this goes back and forth, and I see this as something a lot of troubled teens should read...

This is very good, and I like this entire thing, it is very inspiring, and I may re-read because this is inspiring, and I can see a lot of people finding answers reading this..

I think the best thing is how it tells the reader the issues of the person in the poem (Not you I hope.) and how they put them in the mind of the reader, and how it sinks in so quickly..

I really like this, and I hope to see more like this, there are few that can have this impact, and this is one of them..

Team Fire Flower!

Thanks, I hope you do continue with poems like this, they can make a big impact.

pegasusgirl2

Oh my god! This is great! You really hit on some original phrasings of grief and anger in this poem, and I am so happy to read them. I'll pick out some of my favorite lines:

Don’t tell me you’ve found the cure for cancer
Because for most of us it’s too late.

Sometimes I wonder that if I forgot about yesterday
Would it no longer exist?
But how can you forget the past
When the gaps in your life are marked with tomb stones?

As the caged tiger I refuse to perform.
So skin me for fur, then shoot me dead

This is so beautiful. I agreed with every word you said and it flowed so magnificently and elegantly that I just want to read it over and over again. This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read on this site, actually. Please keep writing because you have such amazing talent!