Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
If you be his dream then
I warn you not to sleep tonight;
Your gold hair’s caught in caves again,
I’m near enough to set alight.
Your beauty helps the Hemlock grow,
Mine left me raped by Gods below.
Do not pick my flowers girl!
You toy with worlds you would not know
He will not go to you in winter,
Yet, your laugh is echoed through graves?
And when you come I’m waiting, waiting –
I rise from ash, your fear a slave.
So run away O golden girl;
Or I’ll skin your smile with rising suns,
And see narcissuses thrive again,
They’ll drown the whore, when all is done.
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ok, I kind of get what your poem is about but I think it should be made as clear as possible without having to explain it too much to the reader. Your lines have substance, but I get confused and lost at points which again is a keeping your poem clean and clear issue.. Take the best lines or most effective lines in your poem and use them well that's my opinion.
Which lines were confusing and I will work on them?
"Or I%u2019ll skin your smile with rising suns"
"Your gold hair%u2019s caught in caves again"
"I%u2019m near enough to set alight"
Those were lines which sort of confused me the rest makes sense,those lines I could did not really make as much sense. Hope I helped
Thanks, that helps
Hello Tuesday here for a review. I like to begin that this poem seems like a two-voiced poem since it has a stanzas to one side then on the other side, it would possibly have the response to the promise being made (I think). Also the tone of this poem, could be related back to most of Greek myths since most of them have a whore who is raped by a god or a regular person (which to me, is something that only crazy people would do) and mostly because this, like you said, has something to do with Hades and Persephone.
I would say that this stanza needs to be change to a little. They'll kill the whore, when all is done (or an synonym of kill) since drown doesn't really suit to what you have wrote while saying something of killing them off after the task was done or something, would make more a sense of what is it. Also I have a question: What would be done in order to kill the whore?Nitpick(s):
this stanza confuses me a tad since the end of this stanza make little sense to me yet at the same time, it makes sense. And by that I think this means when i rise from the dead, you will be sorry for what you did or something similar.
Overall, within this poem and the thoughts about Greek mythology, i would say that this is well-written with a great tone of warning (of the stanzas to the left) and an answer to that warning (on the right) plus the stanzas on the right seem almost like a chorus or something but none of it is repeated (if that makes sense).
Farewell
Tuesday
Thanks Tuesday
In response to your question, what would be done is the affair between Hades and this rival woman, also Persephone's rage would climax in the result of destroying this girl. Only then will Persephone be content. I chose 'drowning' initially because its a reference to the myth of Narcissus, who drowns after falling in love with himself and the Narcissus flower is the flower Persephone carries to the underworld (its all very confusing...) but I will think of alternative synonyms for kill. Thanks again 
You are welcome and i see what you mean now but that.
Hey Annapurna! Lupin here. First off, this was a really interesting topic to choose to write about (and a great one, at that). I really loved it, but I was initially confused - I always thought that Persephone was taken against her will and resented Hades, but still, maybe it's a Danaerys/Drogo type thing (I'm not an expert on this story in Greek Mythology). I'm gonna do a lil analysis/review, since I liked this so much.
was a strong way to start it off - and the strongest in the poem - I could really feel Persephone's insecurity here. My interpretation here is that she has already visualised the girl that would sway Hades, since she directly mentions the 'golden hair'. Note: there's a typo, "you" should be "your".The first stanza,
The second stanza starts with a great rhyming couplet, showing her envy of the other girls who haven't been forced to live in the Underworld. I liked the first line of the third stanza a lot, as it shows how she's insecure that Hades will go seeing other women when she's not there.
The last stanza is great, but I have a suggestion. Why the use of drowning as a means of execution, instead of burning? I feel that it would be more appropriate, since they're in the underworld (unless she means to drown her in one of the rivers). I think burning would be good also, as Persephone is connected to nature and fire, y'know, burns nature.
Overrall, this was really great. It conveys Persephone's character really well and highlights her insecurities, which I think is important, because even though she's a goddess she still has human emotions. Excellent job.
Thanks for the feedback Lupin, that's very helpful
I'll definitely reconsider the 'drowning' imagine, I'm glad you were able to really understand it! Thanks again