Psychic chapter two

by AnimalQueen

Published March 5, 2018

12+

In Horror

I collapsed in the hallway, a mess of tears and snot. What had I ever done to deserve this? "Oh, Lord, WHY?" I whispered to to myself. Then I heard a boy's voice. "Hey, are you alright?" It asked. I looked up. The boy sat down next to me. He had brown hair, like mine, but a lighter shade, and his eyes were an unusual shade of green. He was tall. "I saw what happened. After you ran off, your friends beat Daniel up. They're all in the principal's office now." I sniffed. "Really?" "Uh huh. I'm David Evers by the way." He said. What's your name?"

"Charlotte Grand." I answered. "Pretty name." He told me. I blushed. "Thank you." I said. "I don't usually cry like this. I'm just having a bad day, is all."

"Yeah" David said. "I was having a bad day, too. Then I met you."

After meeting David, my day took a turn for the better. John and Cassie were both suspended for fighting, but so was Daniel. When John's dad got to school, he was proud of his son for standing up for me, so he took him to the zoo. It turned out David and I had a lot of classes together, which gave me the chance to get to know him a bit.

I found out he liked soccer a lot and was planning to try out for the team. David also had a little eight year old sister, Sara. His favorite color was blue, and his favorite ice cream flavor was Rocky Road. So was mine. We also shared a favorite TV show: The Good Doctor. I was thrilled that we had so much in common.

When I got home from school that day, I told my mom everything, leaving out nothing. She was ecstatic that I had a crush. She seemed to think this meant my life was turning around. But I wasn't sure if David really liked me. Sure, he said his day got better when he saw me, but maybe I just imagined he was flirting with me when he said that. Or maybe he was but would hate me when  he found out what a freak I was.

I was so confused.

Later that night, after doing my homework, I walked across the street to babysit the Panarna twins, Joseph and Josephine. Personally, I think it's stupid to give you twins matching names, but I don't want to be fired, so I keep my mouth shut.

When I got there, the kids were coloring in their coloring books.When Josephine saw mejumped up and ran to me."CHARLOTTE! " She shouted gleefully. "What'd you bring us?!" "Josephine Panarna!" Her mother scolded her. I just laughed. "Actually  Julie, I did bring them gifts." I told her."Char, you shouldn't, they are spoiled enough already." "Oh, but I just have to! They're like the little siblings I never had! Now, JoJo, for you, I have an artist's berret." She squealed in delight. "And for you Joseph, I have some farm animals."

He examined them, looking pleased. "Thank you, Charlotte. My friend Toby has a donkey like this one." I was about to ask him if Toby lived on a farm, when I noticed the twins parents looked uncomfortable. "Josephine, Joseph, why don't you go play. We need to talk to Charlotte." They did, and I could here them chattering in their playroom. "Peter." Said Julie to her husband. "Why don't you explain. I'm going to talk to the kids about it again." She walked off, and Peter turned to me.

"Joseph's been going through a bit of a violent stage." He said to me. "How so?" I asked. "Toby is his imaginary friend, but not like you would expect." He continued. "According to Joseph, Toby is dead." My blood ran cold. "He says that one night, Toby got out of bed to play with his donkey, Jorge. Jorge didn't recognize him in the dark though, and he kicked him in the head, killing him."

For the rest of the night, even after I left the Panarna's house, I was on edge. I knew what  Toby must really be. I just couldn't believe there might be another psychic living right across the street from me.

The next day, when I woke up, I immediately got dressed. Usually  I would have stalled, but today I had something to look forward to. Seeing David. I was a bit nervous since Cassie and John wouldn't be there, but David didn't seem like the kind of guywho would let people pick on me.

I chose jeans and a peasant blouse, both embroidered with flowers. Then I braided my hair and I thought I actually looked pretty cute. I wondered if the kids at school would like it, though.

It was then that I began thinking about John and Cassie. I don't exactly know why, but I was thinking  that we were all outcasts. John was an outcast because one of his eyes was brown and the other was blue. Cassie didn't have anything wrong with her eyes, but she was black. This was a primarily white community, and people weren't very accepting of negros.

With these thoughts in my head, I set off to school. It was then that I remembered David and I had the same homeroom. When I got there, he was sitting in the desk next to me. "You look nice today." He told me. I blushed, and touched my hair. "I like the braids." David told me. "Thanks." I said.

Just then, the teacher stood up. "Alright, everybody. I have an announcement to make." Mr. Darter said. "I've decided what your second trimester project will be. A partners project! You and your partner will be given a photograph from this box. No backsies. Then you'll be tasked with writing an original story for yours. They have to be meaningful, by the way. That means no more pugerilla stories, Noah. You can pick your partners now."

The class laughed.

I looked at David at the same time he looked at me. " Yeah." I said. "Let's do it." He grinned, and I noticed he had a great smile. 

A shoebox was passed around the class and people began taking pictures. David handed it to me. "Do you want to do the honers?" He asked. "Sure." I told him, and I pulled out a picture of a little girl who appeared to be playing with a rattlesnake. I groaned.

As Mr. Darter passed papers on our project, I had one thought on my mind: How were David and I ever going to write a little girl trying to be BFFs with the most deadly snake in all of America?

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Kanome
Review
Kanome wrote a review Review · Mar 11, 2018

Hello, AnimalQueen. I am here for a review. I think I meant to review this but I got side-tracked. Let's get started, shall we?

To be honest, even though this chapter was good, it seemed a little rushed. Charlotte meets David for the first time, and of course, we as your readers, would love to know about David but I think your readers would love to learn about David's character development throughout the story and not in just one chapter.

I don't want to point out grammar and sentence errors because I think we should work on how to make your story better each chapter by pointing out how the setting is, character development, and plot.

We already know the setting for the school, but what about the Panarna house? Since Charlotte will going there to babysit the twins, the setting there should be described on what it looks like. (I'm assuming here, I don't know if you will be making the twins as minor characters or this is a one time thing).

That's all I can say for right now. Holysocks pretty much explained everything that I was going to say but no need for repeats, am I right?
Keep up the great work. Keep writing and I will be moving on to the next chapter!

- Kanome

User avatar
Holysocks
Review
Holysocks wrote a review Review · Mar 5, 2018

Hey there! What a lovely day for a review, eh?

At first, reading this, I was like WAIT a minute, I thought this was supposed to be a HORROR novel?! But then I read on and MY WORD. I like your concept already. From what I can make out, Charlotte is some sort of physic and so is Joseph, so she thinks. It was really creepy how you introduced Joseph being this way.

"Charlotte Grand."


I don't think I've ever known someone to state their first and last name when casually introducing themselves. The only time I've seen people do this is when they're at a family reunion or their last name means something to the other person like "I'm John... Wicker." *other character:* "Ohhhhh, so you're Tracy's husband!" Besides instances like that, most people just say their first name- unless it's in a more formal setting or something.

After meeting David, my day took a turn for the better. John and Cassie were both suspended for fighting, but so was Daniel.


So we had just met David, and all that cool stuff, and then suddenly the story starts getting FAST FORWARDED!! I kinda wanted to learn a bit more about David and everything naturally, so that we could get to know his character a little more, and get a really good picture of exactly why Charlotte likes him. ;) But I felt that the fast-forwarding kinda broke that up and gave us some information that was a little too soon (the zoo part seemed odd because from what I could tell, Charlotte hadn't even had a chance to talk with John, and it didn't seem like the day had changed or anything, so it just seemed odd.

She was ecstatic that I had a crush.


I found this a little odd because, when I was younger I didn't tell my mum about ANY of my crushes, let alone right at the beginning of one. Also, isn't it a little soon for a full-blown crush? I mean, I get crushes record-breaking fast, but a lot of people need a lot more time before they're even ready to call it a crush.

"Actually Julie, I did bring them gifts." I told her."Char, you shouldn't, they are spoiled enough already." "Oh, but I just have to! They're like the little siblings I never had!


So, this is more of a technical grammar/reader friendly awareness thing! :P When writing dialogue, it's important to separate who's talking by putting each person's dialogue as separate paragraphs. Like this:

"Actually Julie, I did bring them gifts." I told her.

"Char, you shouldn't, they are spoiled enough already."

"Oh, but I just have to! They're like the little siblings I never had!


I know it doesn't seem like much, but it really is hard to read when dialogue is all together like how it was. I was having a hard time reading it and finding it very confusing and wondering why I was having so much trouble, and then I went wait a minute! I know why!

Cassie didn't have anything wrong with her eyes, but she was black.


Okay, this sentence bothers me. I'm pretty sure this wasn't on purpose, but it's implying simultaneously that there's something 'wrong' with John's eyes for being two different colours, and that there's something wrong with Cassie for being black. Which is just plain and simply not true. :P I know Charlotte most likely doesn't think this, because Charlotte obviously is friends with them... but why would she think something like that if she's fine with them?

As for the story as a whole, I'm certainly interested in seeing what else you do with this! ^_^ I really like the paranormal bit, and the fact that Joseph can supposedly see ghosts is even better because things like that are always creepier coming from kids for some reason! I felt like the crush/romantic side of David and Charlotte's relationship went kind of fast in this chapter. I think it would have a bigger impact on the reader if you developed their friendship a little first, with some crush feeling's on Charlotte's part, but neither of them really acting on it so that we have that desire for them to get together! But that's just my thoughts!

Keep it up!

-Socks

I'm so glad you like my story! I will try to slow down the plot. Also, Charlotte meant that other people hated John and Cassie's appearance, not her. Thanks for all the writing tips!

User avatar
Danni88
Review
Danni88 wrote a review Review · Mar 5, 2018

Hey AnimalQueen! Danni here for a review!

berret


That should be spelt beret.

honers

That should be spelt honours.

There were quite a few spelling and paragraph errors in this, but that's easily fixable.

Also, according to the previous chapter, Charlotte really cared about Cassie and John. You need to show more of her feelings on them being suspended. Do they still keep in touch? Does Charlotte prefer David to them?

Overall, I really enjoyed this! I am very excited to find out more about Joseph. It would be amazing if there were two psychics!

Keep up the good work!

Danni x

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AnimalQueen
Comment
AnimalQueen commented Comment · Mar 5, 2018

I need points.I realized if I reviewed my own story, no one would be offended that this is all nonsense. You know what's really annoying? The adds hey punt here! They block my view of what I'm writing right now. Hey, that's a tongue twister! Say it 5 times fast. Writing right now. Go. GO. You know what? I really like Teen Titans Go. My friend thinks it's dumb, but I think she's saying that because she hates Starfire. Well, I'm offended! I, for one, LIKE Starfire. I like Raven more though. She's very interesting. I wonder if RavenLord likes Raven?


OK, that's all for now, I hope my review convinces you to review.

OK, that's not fair! That was totally WAY MORE than 250 characters!

Danni88 replied · Mar 5, 2018

Did you click the 'is this a review' button at the bottom? I sometimes forget to do that

Danni88 replied · Mar 5, 2018

Did you click the 'is this a review' button at the bottom? I sometimes forget to do that



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