Hello, AnimalQueen. Kanome here to provide a review for you. Let's get started, shall we?
Overall Opinion:
I enjoyed the conversation Charlotte and Cassie were having. It was your simple teenager conversation about boys, school, and so on. Charlotte's feelings about her father were on point. Her character development with relationships showed that she is conflicted on how to feel when it comes to father/daughter relationships, which is something I can understand. Not in this way, but something similar. Which I am trying to say, that some of your readers can really connect with the character and how she feels since your readers and Charlotte share similar feelings. The ending left a dramatic cliffhanger, which is okay. It makes me wonder what will happen in the next chapter. For example,
- Will the girl live?
- Who was the little ghost boy?
Nitpicks and Stuff:
While reading this chapter, I came across a paragraph that seemed a little odd to me.
Cassie and I talked for a long time about boys, school, ect. After I got off the phone with her though, I had some time to think everything over a bit. I don't remember my father at all, he died when I was a baby. At school, couples seem to be showing off their "love" to the world. All I ever saw them do was make out in a very rated R style. So since my grandparents are dead, and so is my dad, I'm not really sure what an actual relationship looks like. On TV, they look perfect most of the time, but I don't really trust anything.
In the rest of the chapter, Charlotte explained how she was having conflicted feelings because of not having a father figure around. In this paragraph above, you were stating things like couples at the school or her grandparents which are irrelevant...
Make sure you when you are writing about a specific topic, especially when Charlotte was thinking about her father first and the rest of the chapter is about her father, to leave out unnecessary information that is not related to the topic at hand. You can probably explain the issues she complains about in future chapters.
We walked for a while. I saw a the ghost of a little boy.
Okay, Charlotte sees a ghost of a little boy, but what does he look like? Usually, when I think of ghost stories, I would love to see what the ghost is wearing (Basically the clothes they were wearing when they died) and sometimes ghost appearances have some type of wound (or symbolization) indicating of how they died. Maybe the ghost is not too important in the story, so maybe that's why you didn't provide a description for him?
Conclusion:
Overall, this was a good chapter to read. Just make sure to:
- Leave out unnecessary information pertaining to the topic at hand.
- Provide detailed descriptions of figures (especially since the MC can see the paranormal).
Keep up the great work. Keep writing and I'll be on my way to reading the next chapter!
- Kanome
Points: 11482
Reviews: 351
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