z

Young Writers Society


12+

Psychic chapter three

by AnimalQueen


It was about to rain, I could tell by the sky. I had been sitting at my desk for half an hour, trying to think of ideas for our second trimester project. I couldn't focus. Why? Oh,nothing too big, it's just that there's a very creepy ghost man standing right behind me! No reason to fret.

I fingered the crucifix around my neck.

It was then that my phone rang. I jumped a mile. "Shit!" I yelped. I answered my phone. "Hello, Charlotte here." 

"Hi!" Came Cassie's voice. "How's it going?" 

"Alright, I suppose. " I answered. "I mean, it could be worse. The neighbor's kid is creepy, and I have no idea what to do for the second trimester project-" I broke off. "Okay, I'm having an awful time." 

"Woah, Charlotte! Aren't you getting a little ahead yourself? We get plenty of time for trimester projects!" Cassie said.

I knew Cassie was right,  but when you have problems like mine, you worry over stupid things, and you just can't help it. 

"You're right, Cas."  I said into the phone. "What's up, any way?" "Not much, actually." Cassie said. "On the contrary, I was wondering what YOU were up to today."

"Oh, I've been thinking about a lot of things." I told her. "For example, there's this new kid in our class that I really like. And I think he likes me, too." 

Cassie gasped into the phone. "What does he look like?! Is he cute?! Tell me! What's he like?!" 

"Umm, well, I guess he's pretty cute." I told her. He's got brown hair and green eyes. Really green. I mean, I've never seen eyes that green before. As for his personality, he's super nice." I then proceeded to tell Cassie what had happened the previous day, and everything I had learned about David.

"Wow!" She said when I had finished telling her everything. "David sounds awesome. And yeah, he DEFINITELY likes you back.

" You think?" I asked her. "Oh, HELL yeah!" Cassie told me.

Cassie and I talked for a long time about boys, school, ect. After I got off the phone with her though, I had some time to think everything over a bit. I don't remember my father at all, he died when I was a baby. At school, couples seem to be showing off their "love" to the world. All I ever saw them do was make out in a very rated R style. So since my grandparents are dead, and so is my dad, I'm not really sure what an actual relationship looks like. On TV, they look perfect most of the time, but I don't really trust anything.

My dad was a soldier. He died when I was just a baby. Sometimes I wonder why he didn't become a ghost and haunt me. Maybe he did, for a while, but I don't remember it because I was so young, then.

I know my father's full name. Francis Gregory Grand. My middle name is Amara. I was named after my gramma on dad's side of the family. She's the only grandparent I remember at all. She used to bake cookies for me and my cousins. She would read us stories all the time, and take us to the animal shelter, to play with the cats and dogs. Then, when I was seven, she died. Everyone told me she died peacefully, in her sleep. But that didn't stop me from missing her terribly.

Lucinda hopped on to my desk and rubbed against me. I hugged her tight. I loved her so much. She always knew just how to make me feel better when I was blue.

I decided to go for a walk after that. Lucinda came with me. Mom didn't like her to go outside, but she never actually did anything about it.

We walked for a while. I saw a the ghost of a little boy. He kept grabbing at the hem of my shirt, crying and begging for help. This didn't help my depressed mood. I felt bad for not trying to help him, but I know evil things often take a form that's sure to attract sympathy. 

Lucinda and I eventually ended up at the park. Watching the kids play actually made me feel better about my own problems.

Then it happened. A little girl with red pigtails was on the swings. "Watch this, mommy!" She cried, and leapt from the swings. Because she had been pumping hard, the jump propelled several feet away. She hit her head on a metal platform.

Blood gushed from her wound.


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351 Reviews


Points: 11482
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Mon Mar 19, 2018 7:33 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, AnimalQueen. Kanome here to provide a review for you. Let's get started, shall we?

Overall Opinion:
I enjoyed the conversation Charlotte and Cassie were having. It was your simple teenager conversation about boys, school, and so on. Charlotte's feelings about her father were on point. Her character development with relationships showed that she is conflicted on how to feel when it comes to father/daughter relationships, which is something I can understand. Not in this way, but something similar. Which I am trying to say, that some of your readers can really connect with the character and how she feels since your readers and Charlotte share similar feelings. The ending left a dramatic cliffhanger, which is okay. It makes me wonder what will happen in the next chapter. For example,

- Will the girl live?
- Who was the little ghost boy?

Nitpicks and Stuff:
While reading this chapter, I came across a paragraph that seemed a little odd to me.

Cassie and I talked for a long time about boys, school, ect. After I got off the phone with her though, I had some time to think everything over a bit. I don't remember my father at all, he died when I was a baby. At school, couples seem to be showing off their "love" to the world. All I ever saw them do was make out in a very rated R style. So since my grandparents are dead, and so is my dad, I'm not really sure what an actual relationship looks like. On TV, they look perfect most of the time, but I don't really trust anything.


In the rest of the chapter, Charlotte explained how she was having conflicted feelings because of not having a father figure around. In this paragraph above, you were stating things like couples at the school or her grandparents which are irrelevant...
Make sure you when you are writing about a specific topic, especially when Charlotte was thinking about her father first and the rest of the chapter is about her father, to leave out unnecessary information that is not related to the topic at hand. You can probably explain the issues she complains about in future chapters.

We walked for a while. I saw a the ghost of a little boy.


Okay, Charlotte sees a ghost of a little boy, but what does he look like? Usually, when I think of ghost stories, I would love to see what the ghost is wearing (Basically the clothes they were wearing when they died) and sometimes ghost appearances have some type of wound (or symbolization) indicating of how they died. Maybe the ghost is not too important in the story, so maybe that's why you didn't provide a description for him?

Conclusion:
Overall, this was a good chapter to read. Just make sure to:
- Leave out unnecessary information pertaining to the topic at hand.
- Provide detailed descriptions of figures (especially since the MC can see the paranormal).
Keep up the great work. Keep writing and I'll be on my way to reading the next chapter!

- Kanome




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104 Reviews


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Reviews: 104

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Wed Mar 14, 2018 3:24 pm
Danni88 wrote a review...



Hey AnimalQueen! Danni here for a review!

First off, maybe rate this 12+ for language as you used s***?

Also, there's that paragraph problem again. This really irritates me.

I love the ending! Will the girl survive? Will she come back to haunt Charlotte? So much suspense! I can't wait for the next one? Did you get how to do tags? Will you tag me in the next one?

I also love the way Charlotte reminisces about her dead family and wonders why they don't haunt her. Really nice touch there.

I also like the chat with Cassie. Really good, showing their friendship and also adding some detail. Props to you for that!


Overall, this was great! I really enjoyed reading it. INVISIBLE TEXT HAHA


Keep up the good work!

Dan x





Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do.
— Holden Caulfield