z

Young Writers Society


12+

Psychic chapter six

by AnimalQueen


A/N Sorry it took me so long to post this! 

Charlotte POV

I was ecstatic that David and I had exchanged phone numbers. I couldn't sit still in class, or focus on my schoolwork at all. Suddenly, I realized that I had a big, goofy smile on my face. I blushed and did my best to stop quickly.

Then, I got a creeped out feeling. Like I was being watched. I knew that feeling, and I knew what it meant. It meant that I was either being stared at by a living person, or, more likely, a ghost was in the room.

I took a deep breath and tried to focus on what the teacher was saying. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Stella looking at me. I tried to look casual while really, I was having a panic attack. Cassie and John were looking at me, too. Their faces showed puzzlement and worry. 

Stella was whimpering in pain, her head wound gushing blood. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about it. I stayed like that the rest of class. "It's a good thing I sit in the back, or people would really notice." I thought.

As soon as school was over, I grabbed my bike and peddled hard. I just wanted to go home.

When I got there, though, I remembered that I was babysitting tonight.

Sighing, I went upstairs. Lucinda ran to greet me. I picked her up and buried my face in her fur. We stayed like that for a minute. Lucinda always made me feel better.

But I knew I had to move. I set her down and changed out of my school clothes. I then set my purse out so I'd be ready when it was time to go. Since I still had some time to kill, I turned on the TV.

It turned on to the news where they were talking about Stella's accident. Of course, I didn't want hear about it, so I turned it off, but not before hearing that the poor parents were going to sue the park's constructors. I felt bad for them. I can't say I know what it's like to lose a child, but I can imagine.

With this thought in my head, I set off to the Panarna's house to babysit. When I got there, the kids both kept into my arms and hugged me. Pretty normal. They hugged their parents good bye and asked to watch TV. Also normal.

About halfway through the show, Joseph got bored. "Come and play with me, Charlotte." He begged. I complied, and soon found myself surrounded by toys. "Um, Joseph, you this will take a really long time to clean up, right?" I said, seeing the mess around me.

"Don't worry about it." He reassured me. "Toby can help us!"

That really creeped me out. 

"Well, OK then." I said.

Joseph and I started playing with Joseph's dinosaurs. Needless to say, my heart wasn't exactly in it. I was glad when Josephine came in. "It's time to eat dinner!" she said.

I made the kids hot dogs, which they absolutely devoured. I just worked on homework while Joseph and Josephine began to play tag. They weren't actually supposed to do this in the house, but I let them play anyway. After all, it wasn't like the Panarnas  had anything breakable. You can't when you have to hyperactive six year olds in the house.

I looked over to check on the kids, and did a double take.

There was a third child with them.

One with blood covering his head.

I took several deep breaths and instinctively blessed myself. Now I knew that Joseph's "imaginary" friend being dead was not just a reliefdence.

"Joseph, Josephine, it's time to get read for bed now!" I said. May be Toby would go away if Joseph was sleeping.

Of course, the twins knew it wasn't time for bed yet, and wouldn't stop whining. They shut up though, after I gave them candy.

As soon as they had gone to the bathroom, brushed their teeth, and changed into their pajamas, I ushered them quickly into the bedroom they shared.

"Don't forget you have to read to us, Charlotte." Josephine reminded me. 

"I didn't forget." I assured her. "I promise you, you will get your bedtime story."

"Good." She said, snuggling down.

Long story short, I ended up reading five stories to Joseph and Josephine. Little JoJo really knew what she was doing! Why voice was hoarse by the time we had finished. And it didn't help that Toby was staring at me the whole time.

Finally, I got them to sleep.

Sighing in relief, I went back to the living room, finished my homework, and watched some TV. Mr. And Mrs. Panarna came home shortly after 10:00. I collected my pay and walked home.

My plan to get rid of Toby actually worked. He did not follow me home that night.

He did not, however, leave my thoughts.


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Mon Apr 02, 2018 1:11 pm
Danni88 wrote a review...



Yay, time for chapter six! Danni here to review it!

OK, nitpicks:

Why voice was hoarse

Change 'Why' to 'my'.

May be

Maybe is all one word.

a reliefdence

I'm not sure what you mean by reliefdence.

I'm also a bit confused. Charlotte's psychic abilities seem to take a real toll on her: she's stressed, she doesn't like them, she seems scared, but Joseph seems fine about it. Surely a boy dying after being kicked in the head by a donkey is a bit gory for a six-year-old? He seems perfectly bouncy and happy, which seems strange.


Overall, I really loved this chapter! I am so shocked that Joseph is a psychic too. Charlotte will have to talk to him about their mysterious powers.

Keep up the good work!


Danni x




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Sun Apr 01, 2018 6:44 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hi there! Just dropping by for a quick review. :) I apologize in advance because I have not read any of the previous chapters, so I will just be basing my review off of this chapter alone. :)

Now I knew that Joseph's "imaginary" friend being dead was not just a reliefdence.


I'm not sure what you mean here by "reliefdence".

May be Toby would go away if Joseph was sleeping.


Maybe is just one word.

Why voice was hoarse by the time we had finished.


My voice*

Mr. And Mrs. Panarna came home shortly after 10:00.


The and shouldn't be capitalized here.


Okay so! First, just make sure you're proofreading all of your chapters before submitting them, so you can catch all of these mistakes beforehand. If there are no mistakes, reviewers are more likely to give you a review based on the content of your story, instead of focusing on the mistakes.

Second, I recommend focusing more on imagery and detail in your chapters. You don't have to go overboard, but you need to add some in order to spice up your story, because as of right now, this chapter was very bland. It was interesting, but not interesting enough. You're just telling the story, instead of showing the story. There isn't much detail, not about the main character or her life or her surroundings. Her feelings, her thoughts, her emotions. Work on incorporating more of that into your chapters so you keep the readers engaged and interested.

But other than that, you're doing great so far and you have a nice story so far. I am interested and I might be back to read more in the future! Good job :) I hope this review helped a bit. <3

- Iggs




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Sat Mar 31, 2018 4:51 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, AnimalQueen. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?

I. PLOT
As for the plot so far in the story, Charlotte is able to see spirits of the dead, which makes her be an outcast to others. She does have two close friend and someone she is obviously crushing on. Charlotte wears a cross and prays for the spirits to go away, but they just linger around her. She is now babysitting the twins, and is seeing the ghost of Joseph’s friend. Intriguing storyline so far. It makes me wonder where the story will climax when her abilities are revealed.

II. NITPICKS & STUFF
There are grammar errors that I have been noticing throughout this whole chapter. I think you should read over this and edit this chapter. There simple common mistakes, I am just letting you know.

I was ecstatic that David and I had exchanged phone numbers. I couldn't sit still in class, or focus on my schoolwork at all. Suddenly, I realized that I had a big, goofy smile on my face. I blushed and did my best to stop quickly.

Then, I got a creeped out feeling. Like I was being watched. I knew that feeling, and I knew what it meant. It meant that I was either being stared at by a living person, or, more likely, a ghost was in the room.


That was a quick transition from one emotion to the next, don’t you think? You could’ve added a little more context onto why she was feeling that way in the beginning, and then slowly make your way to the scene with her feeling like she is being watched. A little more detail in the story doesn’t hurt. It just seemed like it was a bit rushed is all.

Also this:
"Joseph, Josephine, it's time to get read for bed now!" I said. May be Toby would go away if Joseph was sleeping.

Of course, the twins knew it wasn't time for bed yet, and wouldn't stop whining. They shut up though, after I gave them candy.


Again, this feels rushed. You could’ve add a little more dialogue between Charlotte and the twins. The twins could’ve questioned her as to why they had to go to bed early. Also, why give candy to children that you are trying to put to sleep? Don’t candy usually make children hyper? I feel like you could’ve went another route on how Charlotte can convince the twins to go to sleep.

III. OVERALL
Overall, the storyline is interesting, I want to know more about what happens, but this chapter itself needs a little work. It feels rushed, the pacing was like: two things happened very quickly, dialogue was a bit short, so that made the story feel rushed too. You just got to work on the pacing, and you are golden.
Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day.

- Kanome

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Fri Mar 30, 2018 8:11 pm



Sorry, I don't know how to delete comments. I can't delete this.




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Fri Mar 30, 2018 8:10 pm



I liked this chapter, as it was full of suspense that kept me reading. The creepy details such as the blood made it more horrifying. Sometimes it's the small details that make a story really good. That's the case with this piece. I will definitely read the other chapters and I can't wait to see more. No criticisms with this one, keep writing stories like this!





"When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are."
— Mikhail Baryshnikov