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140,903 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
Hi there!
This was nice, especially for a first attempt. I agree with pretty much everything that Kamas said. Poems have layers. Right now what you've written seems like a disjointed mess, not to say it doesn't have potential, though! I recommend that you take a look at the work of the some elite poets of the site, such as Kylan. See how he forms phrases and captures you with imagery.
Also, check out the Knowledge Base under "Resources" to find a lot of helpful articles about writing poetry.
I wish you the best of luck!
-Elinor
So, hello there Management.
You want us to tell you if it's rubbish, but still be nice? Seems to defeat the purpose, but I shall tell you this needs a heck of a lot of work.
1.
So, you don't want to have any options, you'd rather have the option of not having to pick any options? That's what I get from this. And it's highly confusing.
2.
You are not a native of a foreign city? Again, what?
The feel I get from this poem is that you really don't have a clue about what you're talking about. You just had two lines in your head and you wanted them in the same poem. But you don't really have anything to support it. Like building a bridge that doesn't have a center, it's going to collapse immediately. Now, I'm all for thinking of one line add starting your poem there, but you want to have an idea. Don't just take a line plop it down and add a few other lines and call it a poem. I'm going to use the Shrek analogy that I much liked to describe a poem.
Ogres have layers.
Now poems have layers too. Vocabulary, flow, and at the very center of that onion, is the idea/the message you want to get across. If you make a grocery list of words, your onion doesn't have a center. What do you end up with? A rotten onion and a hungry reader.
Now, I hope I didn't blabber too much. If you have any questions, let me know.
Kamas
Let me start by saying that I really liked this, and without further ado, jump right in to the editing.
"I'd rather walk a straight path,
That will take me very far."
-- I'd delete the comma, personally. I think it just breaks up a sentence that would sound better with a continuous flow.
"I am unimaginative.
I am not a native,"
-- I'd consider swapping out 'not a native' for something like 'am a foreigner' or outsider or similar. If you did that, then you have an the repetition of the structure in two lines- the affirmation 'i am' followed by the phrase, rather than an affirmation in one line and a negation in the other. Or, conversly, you could swap the first line to say "I am not imaginative" to keep the same structure, depending if you want a positive or negative tone. Either way, I'd ax the comma.
"I have no dreams.
Because dreams have no means,
Of making me rich, or successful."
-- Second line, I'd ax the comma there too. Possibly the one in the third line also. Both to some extent detract from the flow, in my opinion.
Lastly, you might consider playing with the length of your stanzas, going from four lines to three to two to one, ending with just "Hello world." It might have an interesting result- your call.
All in all, an excellent work. Hopefully these edits helped. I look forward to reading more of your poems.
I'm not really an expert on poems but I love this poem
Keep it up! 