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137,625 Literary Works • 672,053 Reviews
Hi AM,
what this suffers is iamtryingtobedeepandfailing Syndrome.
Just because you're dressing your words up like puppets doesn't give the poem itself anymore depth.
Familiar with the above I'm sure. It's nothing original. Nothing new and nothing to keep me interested. It's the typical approach to "being blind to the times". Which is why powdering up your words won't make this any more interesting or moving, because it's so basic and overused as it's been wringed out to the point of near collapse. But there's nothing you can do to fix that in this poem.
Next, keep in mind we're reading this almost like you listen to a song.
It's so difficult to read flowingly because 1. you're trying too hard 2. you are using words that don't come natural (or that are very hard sounds.
For example, adheres. It feel like you plucked it out of the thesaurus and put it there. Even though you may not have, the way that word fits into the poem is messy and the effect it has on the reader is aggravated by the awkward line cut shortly after. The poem itself would be drastically better if it read like poetry and not like prose. Enjambment is delicate and you for it to work properly you need to go at your lines with a scalpel not a hatchet.
Kamas
This poem is related to reality; things that happen all around us. I like your way of writing. The things you've pointed out in your poem are true. That's what I like about it.
Now that's something everybody should read. Good job. I couldn't find any faults besides the ones Noelle has pointed out. So goodluck with future posts
I really liked your poem. It had a lot of certainty in it, you obviously felt strongly about what you were saying and knew exactly how to say it. Your sophistication with words was also obvious. I enjoyed the poem. I have to admit, I sometimes found it hard to follow the rythym because the joining words and places where you usually pause were in funny places. But that's just your style, which I still enjoyed. You had good inspiration!
Hi there!
I really enjoyed reading this poem. It's written very well and flows well. You did a great job with making your words work with the point you're trying to get across.
This was my favorite part! I just loved the words you used in this stanza.
It should be 'its' not 'it's'.
Overall this is a great poem. Keep writing!