I was sitting in a room with some other girls, and the thick silence weighed heavy on my spirit. They wouldn’t talk or move unless commanded to. The only thing binding them were the ever impenetrable shackles of fear. I was scared, I’m not going to deny it. Whenever we heard the soft thuds of boots walking down the hall, it seemed like all our hearts began to pound loud songs of despair. I wanted to scream or shout for help, but I knew no one would hear, and that was scarier than the men who kept us there.
Sometimes, days would pass before we would get food or water. Maria, who I had later learned was six, died from starvation and torture. I didn’t want to die that way. I didn’t want anyone one to die that way, but they did. Pretty soon, I was sent to the camps. Once you walked into camp, the stench of death hits you like a truck. Your stomach gets lurched upward at the smell and shoved downward at the horror of what people do to children.
I was labeled G234. I was assigned to a camp in the mountains and met with another group of kids. I met a boy named Endric. He was 11 and he knew his way around. His blue eyes were like a vast stormy ocean, you could see waves of conflict and fear crash upon the shore, but he tried his best to hide it. We would have to be tough if we wanted to survive. That’s what he told the newcomers. We were slaves, and we knew it.
“We’re gonna escape this place.” He said, his voice quieted. “And were gonna find a way to save the rest of these kids. Cross my heart.”
The days got worse. The torture increased and I saw some of my best friends get taken away and sold. Tears of pain and despair splashed onto the ground and got trampled over by our captors. Endric and I had gotten close. We had each other’s backs, at least, that’s what I thought. The day came when Endric wasn’t there. I was scared. My mind immediately went to the worst. I thought he was taken away. Probably doomed to a life of horror, but that wasn’t what happened.
“He finally did it.” One of the other boys had said. “Endric escaped. It’s all over the leaders’ radios. I can’t believe it.”
My heart felt like it had been ripped from my chest. He left me. He left me, just like everyone else. It hurt so bad. My sadness turned to anger quickly. He crossed his heart and completely disregarded it. I clenched my fists, hardened my heart, and went on my way. I spent years in those camps, trying to find some sliver of hope to help get me through the day. Some days, I was thrown to the ground and beat. The only thing keeping me going was the anger that bubbled in my chest every day, and the ever increasing hatred that grew like a snowball. I wanted to get out of this place, and I was going to. There was one thing that burned in the back of my brain every day— he left me. Endric left me.
End of chapter
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi there, AngelLily! Clairia here to drop you another review.
The concept presented in chapter one really carries over well. You've certainly got your plotline nailed into the ground, which is very, very important. Kudos to you for that!
This chapter, quite frankly, made me angry. I wanted to see Endric and the main character become partners in crime, but he left her! Though it was a disheartening plot twist, I'm beginning to see a pattern; father leaves, Endric leaves. Of course, this may have been unintentional, but I'm interested to see if this continues. What about this character (even if it isn't her fault) draws these type of people in? I'd like to see a little bit of elaboration on that, especially since I haven't gotten a really good taste of her personality. You've blocked her off to the reader thus far by making her character quite stubborn. Breaking past those walls is essential to character development and I'd love to see if there is anyone that comes along later on that will help her do so.
I'm also a bit confused as to what the motive of the kidnappers is. Is the childrens' work simply hard labor? Where are they kept? Is this government-instituted? Crime bosses? You've given very little background as to how this all came to be, which isn't exactly ideal. Then again, however, I haven't read the later chapters. Hopefully I get a firm backstory in the future!
If not, I hope my critiques were helpful and that you'll consider doing so <3 I'm very excited to review chapter three!
Thank you for sharing,
Clairia
Hello AngelLlly, I'm here for another review courtesy of the Ravenclaw Team! (I'm doing these chapters in a wonky order, but oh well!)
The first thing I want to mention is the opening paragraph. The imagery in it is wonderful, you do an awesome job describing the setting and atmosphere.
A couple of small grammar things: "heavy" should be "heavily" and "were" should be "was".
The third paragraph seems a little too much like it's just stating facts.
Try to incorporate the information more into what's happening right then and there in the story to make it more engaging.
Overall, this is well written. I think you could improve the pacing, however, as in some parts (especially the fifth paragraph) a lot of time passes really quickly and in little detail, feeling slightly abrupt. Other than that, good job! I hope this review was helpful, if you have any questions please ask!
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit
Hello there Angel!
Hope you're well today or tonight. I'm here to drop off a review for you. Let's start, now, shall we? =D
So, WOW. This is amazing. The description are so beautiful. Everything is very picturesque - absolutely wondrous. I'm really loving your vocabulary usage - you use it very wisely! The fact that all these children are all imprisoned and one of them - an innocent six year old - died because of the captors is so heart-breaking. </3
You have this way to make your readers (at least, me) feel so much for your characters even though this is the first chapter I've started reading.
A very quick nitpick here -
I don't think that bolded letter is needed there.
Okay, one more thing that I have to mention - this chapter is pretty short. We learn about how terrified the kids are. We also learn that our main character made a friend but he left her. And that made her upset. You see, that's a lot of information, and I suggest that you lengthen this chapter a bit. It feels pretty fast-paced, honestly.
That's it for my review! If you have any questions, please let me know! And I hope this review helped too.
Keep on writing and Happy Review Day!
~Liberty
Hi, AngelLily!
Oh boy, this is a very interesting chapter! I like how you portrayed the other girls, who have obviously gone through a very traumatic experience- enough to make them flinch at the noise of heavy boots!
With that said, the pacing is quite fast. I was able to follow it yet, what confused was who is Endric and what did he do other than leave Harper and the rest that warrants Harper's deep hatred for him? She wanted freedom, yes but every child did. Those two boys talking didn't seem that angry either. It felt like it's just another day, another miracle. But other than that, I see no problem!
Great job! I'm loving it so far and I will keep on reading to see the day Harper gets out and gives this Endric a good 'ol fashioned punch to the face! Then a kick to the eggs! A squeeze on the cheeks and a headbutt to the nose!
Wishing you the best,
ShallowHouse <3
Thanks for the review!
I just want to say, I 100% read the title as The Guuurrrrll Behind the smile ;D
Oops. I spelt girl wrong. 🤦♂️
You can still edit it! Haha