Young Writers Society

Hey!
I really like your story. The plot is intriguing, and I like how something unexpected happened at the end (Endric returning). You have good word usage. I like your phrases and sentences, such as Nothing ever lasted long except for the stench of death, even the pain of the whips eventually left." I think for this sentence after "death" you need a semicolon, not a comma, so it would read "stench of death; even the pain of the whips eventually left." You use good imagery in some places, such as "Her blue eyes were swirling with fear."
Here's some grammar things: " “What happened Yuri?” You need a comma after happened so it reads "What happened, Yuri?" since it's direct address. "I looked at Yuri, she was sleeping beside me, she was 10 and full of spirit." This is a run on sentence. You can change it by adding conjunctions and/or semicolons and/or other words and phrases or simply breaking up the sentence. Here's one way of doing it: "I looked at Yuri to find her sleeping beside me; she was ten and full of spirit." I think you also need to spell out the number ten instead of putting "10." One more thing I'd to mention for this sentence "She was shaking and I quickly gave her a hug." you need a comma after shaking. There are some other grammatical errors, but don't worry! That's natural; I always end up making many grammatical errors in my writing too
I think one thing you can work on is just adding more. Things move on too fast in my opinion, and the reader could always use more. For example, you can talk more about the surroundings, give little details on maybe what the characters are hearing, further explain the plot, and give characterization. To me, I feel like the pace of the story is too fast, and if you develop the characters by giving them more of a personality, the reader can connect and feel apart of the character, and therefore be more invested in the story.
I think you did a good job with this chapter, and I look forward to reading more. This story has caught my attention! I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing

Ahoy hoy,

I don't what stopped me from finding your story sooner but trust when I say that whatever it is won't stop me from continuing to read with interest. This isn't your average story and thus it's hard for me to fully review it in full from what I've read of it so far, but please, I hope I have some general comments or this that will be worth it.

1. Your chapters are short and the delivery is straight forward without being dressed up by overly flowery or abstract language. If I were to attempt something like this, I would fall flat on my face, but you pull it off amazingly well. The emotions of the moment are blunt and hit the reader at full force making the simple powerful.
The only small issue I have with this, which is more in relation to the chapter before this (sorry I'm reviewing the whole beginning of the story here but its review day and wooo! Hufflepuff!) with your character, Endric. With this style that you've developed, it's difficult for me to grow fully emotionally attached to these characters and go through the same emotional roller-coaster (But who knows, I'm not the best with emotional reactions and forming bonds with characters that will have me laughing out loud or bursting into tears so keep that in mind).

2. Again with your chapters being so short, information regarding the setting is sparse and I still don't fully understand whats going on, but I'm pretty sure this was intentional or i'm just a bit slow. Either way, from what I can gather, random children are being kidnapped off the street in a, relatively normal world similar to our own, and being forced into slavery and are abused. Some heavy stuff so I hope Harper and Endric get their revenge and set those kids free.

So that's about it for my review. Everything grammar-wise looks okay to me but I'm not an expert in that strange art of the English language.
I will definitely keep reading so I hope you keep writing!

- H.G

Hi, Angel!

Your friendly neighborhoodie ShallowHouse had just read your chapter and may I say... I didn't expect Endric to be back! My opinion turned into a 180 because of that. Why do you have to play with my feelings like that?! You wanted me to hate him last chapter and now you made me sort of like him now! (I'm loving it, by the way!)

Really, I'm just blown away by this Chapter. I found no problems at all whatsoever so I'll just say this: If you're dubbing a place, you could put emphasis on it by adding quotation marks or putting it in italic. People unfamiliar with new terms might glance over and just read it with no stress and you want them to make a strong mental note of "this one room". See what I did there? No? Well...
Also if you want your character to have a certain characteristic, do the initiative and have them do it the first instance they could! I read the part where they took Yuri away (Poor Yuri) and Harper, instead of helping (and would most likely get pummeled in the face), just watched. WATCHED! But she did redeem herself by comforting this cutie Kate and post-Break Room Yuri so don't worry, I'm still very invested in her and her story!

With all that said, I'm super excited for the next chapter! Your cliffhangers are just... mwuah mwuah! I don't know how else I could explain it but that's as close as I can get! Loving your story and I'm loving the direction it's taking!

Wishing you the best,
ShallowHouse