Chapter 1
A smile can mean a lot of things. So many things. I don’t smile because I’m happy all the time; I smile because I have to. I don’t want all the questions, so I hide my problems with a smile. My name is Harper Clark, and I don’t want your pity. I don’t want anything from you. I’m writing this for me, and if you read it, kudos to you. I write this because the nightmares are starting to consume me and my screams ring across deaf ears. So don’t you dare think for a minute I wrote this for you.
It started before I was born, my father left my mom in a blink once he heard the words “baby girl”. I don’t know why he left. Maybe it was because he wanted a boy, or because fear constricted his chest at the thought of messing up. Nothing really seemed abnormal. There are plenty of kids who have to grow up without a dad, but him leaving was just the beginning of my trials. At age six, he showed up again. Drunk, he staggered toward the door. His eyes were glazed with sadness and his words were slurred together like melted ice cream.
“Take me back.” He begged my mom.
“Luke, I don’t know why you thought you could just show back up here. You’re drunk. Go home.” My mom hissed.
The venom dripping from her voice resonated within my father’s ears. He sighed and stumbled down the porch steps. I still remember him turning his head and looking me right in my brown eyes, a sad smile playing his lips. I never saw him again. That’s alright though, I wouldn’t need a dad soon.
I was a little eight-year-old, smiling, trying to hide the fact that my father wasn’t in the crowd of dads’ picking up their little girls after the dance recital. Girls’ giggles and fathers’ hearty chuckles filled the auditorium. A sigh escaped my lips as I ambled out of the dressing room. My mom was awfully sick, and I knew she felt terrible for missing my recital. I know she wanted me to pick up her medicine after my recital, so I did just that. The trip to the pharmacy wasn’t far and soon enough I was holding a bag of her medicine.
“Hurry back.” I remember my mom saying before I left. “The streets are no place for a little girl.”
I tried to make haste, walking as fast as my short legs would allow. Then it happened. He looked nice, smiling blue eyes looking at me, his hair combed back nicely.
“Hey sweetie. You look like you’re in a hurry. You need a lift?” He asked, his voice like sweet honey.
I knew I shouldn’t trust strangers, even if they looked nice. There was so much evil behind smiling eyes.
“I’m okay, sir.” I replied using my manners. “I prefer to walk.”
He grinned and looked at me. “Too bad.”
He grabbed my arm, and a scream fell from my lips. His large hand covered my scream and muffled my spirit. I was thrown into a car and mom’s medicine toppled out of the bag and onto the dirty street. The man told me that if I made another noise I would regret it. I couldn’t get the image of my sick mother out of my mind. My stomach clenched and twisted in a disquieting manner. I knew one thing— my mother wouldn’t be getting her medicine.
End of chapter
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello there, Angel! Clairia here to review.
I really enjoyed reading your short story, and so I wanted to check out if you had any other work on the site yet. I'm thrilled that you did! Let's jump right into the review.
This line caught my eye immediately:
A very strong, firm introduction here. It spoke to me personally, however, and in a good way. A character's rough exterior often makes for exciting backstory, which you certainly supplied me with. It's quite sad that her father left her mother, but her reaction to his drunk desperation was spot on. I would have liked to have seen a bit more behind the relationship between Harper and her father, however. Perhaps he speaks with her about why he left? I just don't think it would be wise to leave that unfinished, because it was one of the main things that intrigued me about this piece.
Also, awesome cliffhanger at the end! A kidnapping is quite the disturbing route to go down--somehow, though I can't help but wonder if this has something to do with her past? We'll see
The previous reviewers seem to have covered your spelling errors, so I'll skip over that. I really don't have much else to critique! All I can say is that I'm very excited to read your next chapter to see where the story goes. This was a great read!
Thank you for sharing,
Clairia
Hey, AngelLily!
Thanks for asking me to review your story, this is really good. I like the way it starts off - it can be hard trying to balance story pace and character development, but the way you've done your character background actually added to the action. There's probably not much else I can add to what the other reviewers have said, although "twisted in a disquieting manner" does sound a little bit cumbersome. Besides that, this is an awesome hook for a novel.
Looking forward to reading the rest,
Jacob
Well, this started with a bang, when you say you're writing only for yourself and not for the readers. And it ended with another bang, the rape scene! Pretty interesting first chapter.
Here's a few suggestions:
"The venom dripping from her voice resonated within my father’s ears."
You're writing from the first-person-point-of-view. So I think it's a bit illogical that the Main Character understood how her dad felt hearing her mother's curt words. You can't directly write about the other characters' feelings when you're using the first-person-point-of-view. I hope it makes sense.
".....my father wasn’t in the crowd of dad’s picking up their little girls after the dance recital."
I think it should be 'dads' instead of "dad's".
I Love the ending line. " I knew one thing— my mother wouldn’t be getting her medicine." The main character was being raped, yet she was thinking about her mother's medicine. That’s how people think sometimes. Very realistic writing!
I think I'm gonna enjoy this novel.
Thanks for the review!
Welcome.
Hello, AngelLily!
I like your style! It's direct without any mincing of words and whatnot. And the cliffhanger! Wow! I'm dying to know what's next!
You've done a great job so far! But you can make it better! How? Well, when I read this, I honestly felt like I needed to rest my mind for a bit and process it. You've thrown me into the action, which is good. Great, even! However, you didn't give me enough time to process what was happening. Harper merely narrated what happened but what did she feel? What did she see? What thoughts ran through her head as she got taken away besides her mother? Give your reader a bit more time, a bit more descriptions so that then can fully invest in your characters, your story and your world.
Other than that, I see no problem! I'll be reading your next chapter when it comes out because I am so looking forward to it! <3
Wishing you the best,
ShallowHouse
Thank you!
Jesse here to review, so I'm going to hop in.
I see that you indent, which is sort of forgotten. Props for that!
Your sentences are kind of choppy. They are short and very similar to a list like feeling, which I don't think was the idea.
The introduction of the antagonist was thrown in. I would love a bit more to his appearance or character design.
Thank you,
Jesse
Thank you!
Wow! Just wow! So intense and inturusting. When you talked about her smile, at first, I though I had she had Depresson/or another mental illness. I can see why she is like that, though. I would be like that if I had troubles at home. (In real life I used too.)
How scary! How will she get away? My curiosty is pequed!
Keep writing.
Thanks
Your welcome