“You came back.” I said, mainly to myself.
“Well, I wouldn’t leave you behind. I promised.” Endric said with a small smile.
“But you did leave me!” I said clenching my fists. “You said that we would leave together, but I guess you didn’t follow through on that.”
“I wanted to take you, I really did, but I had to free someone else before you, and taking you both would jeopardize the escape.” Endric said with a sigh. “I really am sorry.”
“Who was so important that you left me behind in these horrid camps? Who was so important that I had to suffer and watch others suffer? Tell me that Endric.” I asked, my eyes brimming with tears.
Endric looked like he was in a lot of pain and sorrow, I could tell. He had tears forming in his eyes as he shifted his weight.
“Who was so important?” Endric asked, his voice above a whisper. “My little sister, Emma.”
He choked out the words, and the anger I had was suddenly gone.
“She, uh, she was 4 when we escaped.” Endric struggled with his next words. “My little brother, Jacob, had been killed in front of me. They tied me to a pole and made me watch. They burned his skin slowly and popped the bubbles as they appeared. He screamed at the pain, and I couldn’t stop them. Jacob withered in pain as they whipped at his burnt flesh, and it made no difference that a pool of red blood increased with every whip. He was six.” Endric had tears streaming down his face. “I buried his body the next day. There is no worse feeling in the world than having to watch your brother die and put his lifeless body in a hole. I wasn’t going to let that happen to my sister. So there… now you know who was so important.”
I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. I saw so much pain in Endric’s eyes, and hearing his story made me feel so ashamed at getting angry at him.
“I’m sorry Endric, I-I didn’t know…”
“It’s okay.” Endric said sniffing as he wiped his eyes. “I didn’t expect you to. It…it just hurt so much…I…”
“It’s okay, Endric.” I said hugging him.
His arms wrapped tightly around me, and we stood there, in the silence, sharing each other’s pain.
“I have my crew outside the camp borders.” Endric said composing himself. “We don’t have much time. Do you have anyone who can help with setup?”
“Yeah.” I said with a sigh.
Endric explained the plan to me and had a little sparkle in his eyes. He quickly told me the last of the plan once he heard footsteps. “I want you and your help to meet here at dusk. Some of my crew will cause a distraction so we can set up. Then, once we have everything in place, we’ll blow this place.” Endric said as I nodded. “I have to go. Make sure you guys are here at dusk so I can give you further instruction. Bye.”
He left my tent and hope filled my chest. This was happening. I was going to get out of this place. I couldn’t believe it. I had been in this camp for 8 long, painful years. Tears filled my eyes. It seemed like now freedom was now finally within grasp, and it was way past overdue. And for once in 8 years, I noticed how beautiful the sky was.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello, Angel!
What a wonderful chapter this is! Hope for Harper and freedom for the children!
If I may say though, it seemed so sudden to have Harper hug Endric since I don't know the extent of their relationship enough for her to hug him like that but! It seems that her motherly/sisterly instinct kicked in so it might warrant a hug! Every character so far felt like they needed it!
I love how this is going, and I love how you write! There are some parts that I wish was a bit longer but don't worry! With time comes improvement and you're certainly improving! Looking forward to your next chapter!
Wishing you the best,
ShallowHouse
Hello AngelLily! I'm here to review, courtesy of the Ravenclaw Team!
I apologize beforehand, I have not read the previous chapters so if I make stupid remarks please ignore them!
My first impression is that this chapter is chock-full of emotions! There are a few places where I feel like things were a bit abrupt, though. For example, when Endric tells narrator about his little sister.
Would he really just spill this information all at once? When it seems like there's something important happening in the background? I think you should slow this down a bit, maybe let him tell some of it and reveal some more in later chapters.
"Endric explained the plan to me and had a little sparkle in his eyes."
He's already feeling better after having "tears streaming down his face"? Again, feels a little abrupt and unrealistic.
Also, I just wanted to mention dialogue tags (he said, she whispered, they asked, we shouted, etc.). The first four tags use the verb "said". I would recommend changing these up to vary the vocabulary and keep things engaging.
For example, instead of
You could consider:
“But you did leave me!” I accused, clenching my fists. “You said that we would leave together, but I guess you didn’t follow through on that.”
Overall, this chapter was very well written! I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions please ask!
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit
Hi AngelLily! Happy Review Day.
I know I haven't read/reviewed the other chapters in this project yet, but this has been in the Green Room for a long time so I decided to give it a read and give you my thoughts on it from an outside perspective. Feel free to disregard anything that's already been mentioned in previous chapters or something I may just be missing out on! Anyway, let's get on with the review.
What came across really strongly to me was all the emotion in this chapter. The MC has been trapped for 8 years - and now they finally have a chance to escape. I also loved the mild tension in the beginning with the "Who is more important than me?" and the response of Endric's younger sister. It makes the MC feel bad but I don't blame the protagonist at all - if I'd been trapped for 8 years, I'd feel betrayed, too. The dialogue was really nice. And the description of Endric's brother's death was horrific! Oh my gosh.
One thing I think that this chapter could benefit from is a bit more imagery of the surroundings. Even though readers previously coming in from previous chapters may know, I think it could really enhance the feeling of entrapment if the surroundings were described. Are they in a secret meeting place and they're crunched for time, in case they get found out? Or are they more in a field fenced off? That visual description could provide a picture for the reader that helps them imagine the painfulness of wherever they are.
I love the last line "I noticed how beautiful the sky was." That's a really great way of describing the MC's hope for freedom. I'm wondering, though, if the sky is mentioned at all in previous chapters? I think if it was (in more of a negative context, like "I looked up at the smog-filled sky" or whatever) mentioned, it could really enhance the symbolism of it! Just a suggestion, and I've no idea if you've already done that haha.
I hope this helps a little! Keep writing <3
Peace,
~ EternalRain