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The Girl Behind the Smile Chapter 5

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     I told Yuri and Josh, two of my closest and most trustworthy friends, about the plan. They told their friends, and soon all the kids in camp were notified and ready for what was to come. Our captors didn’t suspect anything, and kept treating us harshly as usual. Today, when dirt, sweat, and blood covered my body, I had hope burning in my chest. It was a feeling I hadn’t had in a long time.

     “Do you think it will work?” Kate asked, her big brown eyes staring into mine.

     “It has to work, and it will work. I promise.” I said as Kate hugged me.

     The sun was beginning to set and my heart was thumping loudly inside my chest, telling me that freedom was so close. If this failed, there might not be another chance, and many would be killed, and I have already had my fair share of the death of children. Josh, Yuri, and a few other kids were already in the tent. As I entered the tent, expectant eyes pierced into my soul. We would not fail. Endric came into the tent and greeted the kids. He handed each of the older kids a weird device.

     “Once the explosions go off, you guys put one of these in each of the main buildings. The leaders will be drawn out by the explosions, so you don’t have to worry about being seen.” Endric explained.

     “Yuri and I will get The Break Room.” I said as everyone nodded.

     Soon, everyone in the tent had main buildings assigned to them. Endric was so full of confidence as he saw his plan coming together. He looked into my eyes and I noticed the ocean in his eyes was calmer and more blue. The smile that broke onto his face was unlike anything I had seen. The light had returned to him. He deserved this feeling. He was the reason we were going to be delivered from this place. I looked at all the faces in the tent, and I saw some light returning to their eyes. A bright future was on the horizon. Loud explosions rang throughout the camp, causing us all the jump.

     “Alright guys, this is it. Freedom is calling to us, and we’re going to answer it. Think about all the kids who have died in this camp and in others. Think about loved ones who fell at the hands of these evil people. We’re doing this for them. We’re doing this for all the kids who have suffered here. We’re doing this for justice and freedom.” Endric spoke, strength and power radiating with every word that fell from his chapped lips. “Let’s do this!”

     Everyone in the tent dispersed, their bodies springing to life and running at lightning speed. Yuri and I began to advance toward The Break Room. I felt like I was flying as I rushed toward The Break Room. I finally knew why the United States of America favored the eagle, because on your way to freedom, you ride on the backs of eagles, their wings slicing through the thick air of injustice, to the bright paradise of freedom.

     We were almost to The Break Room, when Yuri began to talk.

     “Harper, I don’t know if we should be doing this.” Yuri said as I frowned at her.

     “What do you mean, Yuri. This is the best thing we could ever do. What’s gotten into you?” I said as we got closer to the building.

     “What if we get caught?” Yuri asked, fear evident in her voice.

     “We won’t. It’s okay to be scared, Yuri. I’m scared too. Once we’ve escaped this place, we won’t have to be scared anymore.” I said giving her an encouraging smile.

     “I’m sorry Harper. I really am. I didn’t mean to put anyone else in danger.” Yuri cried, tears sliding down her cheeks.

     “What are you talking about? Yuri, why are you sorry? And what do you mean you didn’t mean to put anyone else in danger?” I asked as Yuri closed her eyes and sobbed.

     I quickly got my answer. “G234! Surrender right now! Do not resist! We have your friends in custody!” A loud voice said as multiple adults with guns surrounded us.

     “Good job, G554.” A man, I knew as Brad said as he walked up to Yuri and put his hand on her shoulder.

     “Yuri?” I asked looking at her, my hope slipping away. “What did you do?”

     “I-I was s-scared.” Yuri sobbed, her body shaking violently. “I didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

     I felt sadness and fear, quickly seep back into my body. I hung my head and let my tears splash onto the ground.

     “You did the right thing.” The man said as Yuri kept crying. “You saved your friends. Even if they don’t see it yet.”

     “You’re a sick man!” I screamed running toward him, anger pulsing through my veins.

     Two men grabbed me before I could touch the man I so badly wanted to kill.

     “You lost little girl.” Brad whispered in my ear. “You’re never escaping this place.”

     I growled and turned my head, trying to bite him. I spit on him, and it slowly trickled down his scarred face.

     “Feisty, are we? I’ll change that. Put her with the rest of them.” Brad said dismissing the men who were holding me.

     As I got dragged away, I glared at him, wishing I could slap that smug little grin off his ugly face. I was so angry. I could hardly contain the bubbling volcano of anger and hatred inside me. How could Yuri do that to us?! We were so close to escaping and she ruined the entire thing! My fists clenched in pure rage, and my blood began to boil. I felt the men’s grip on my arms tighten, and a growl emitted from my mouth.

     “Easy little missy. You don’t want us to torture your friends due to any of your irrational actions.” One of them said digging their fingernails into my flesh.

     Blood began to flow down my arm as the men tightened their grip even more. I thought we were on our way to a bright paradise. A place without all this violence. The eagles we were riding on were brutally shot down. I guess there is always going to be poachers.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
Hijinks
Review
Hijinks wrote a review · Wed Apr 29, 2020 6:40 pm

Hello AngelLily, I'm here for the requested review! Sorry I took so long!

I'll start out with the nitpicks (I don't have very many):

“It has to work, and it will work. I promise.” I said as Kate hugged me.

Small grammar nitpick: the red period should be a comma.

If this failed, there might not be another chance, and many would be killed, and I have already had my fair share of the death of children.

Since this is in the past tense, "have" should be "had".

“Once the explosions go off, you guys put one of these in each of the main buildings. The leaders will be drawn out by the explosions, so you don’t have to worry about being seen.” Endric explained.

“Yuri and I will get The Break Room.” I said as everyone nodded.

Both these quotes should also end with commas, not periods.

Overall, the only grammar issue that seems to repeat throughout the chapter is using periods instead of commas when people are having conversations.
If you have a quote, followed by a dialogue tag, you need a comma. If you have a quote, followed by an action, then you use a period.
Here's an example:
"I love cats," she declared, smiling at me.
"I love cats." She smiled at me.
I hope that makes sense!

Other than that, I would recommend trying to make more unique descriptions, throughout the piece. For example,
...my blood began to boil.

This is a saying that is used a lot, and has become a bit of a cliche. Try to replace it with something more unique, like:
the blood in my veins because to sizzle with the heat of anger
or something like that, whatever feels natural to your style.

All in all, the plot seems well thought out, and the characters are very relatable. I feel really sorry for the MC, so you've done well evoking empathy from your readers! This is another very well-written chapter, I look forward to reading more!

Keep writing!

Whatchamacallit

User avatar
ShallowHouse
Review

HEYO, ANGEL!

I HAD FUN READING THIS! I see that your chapters are getting progressively longer and longer and I am loving it! The eagles were brutally shot down indeed!

Okah, I have a teensy bit of a problem. Who's Josh? I feel cheated on. I know Yuri! She's the girl from two chapters ago so where was this Josh all this time? You better explain this to me, Angel! (I'm not mad I'm just being dramatic! Lots of love! <3)
I saw some parts of your dialogue that can be improved upon, if that's okay with you! The part where Endric made his freedom speech? You can put how he spoke between the first few sentences so that the reader can immediately imagine how he spoke! And you can omit those "I asked", "screamed Yuri" those kinds of stuff because the punctuation marks do that for you! You'll save a few seconds in writing and more options on dictating their actions!

I think that's it! That's all I've observed that you can improve upon! And now, let me just say that I'm mad at Yuri right now. I get that she's really afraid and she doesn't want to get beaten again so she spilled the beans but come on! She doesn't get the bigger picture of "NO MORE BEATINGS" instead of "LESS BEATINGS". Totally invested on Harper because despite everything she's been through, she's still doing her best! Just like that friendly neighborhood superhero in the second film of Sam Raimi's trilogy! (sorry if I'm being vague!) Keep on writing and keep on improving!

Wishing you the best,
ShallowHouse

User avatar
QuoolQuo
Review

Ahoy hoy,

I’m back again and ready to review another chapter! So I’ll get started with some general comments;

The style that you’ve written this in (I don’t know if it’s your natural writing style or something that you chose to do specifically for this, I’ll have to checkout some of your other works) the style was effective at the beginning as it felt like a retelling of what had happened and profited with delivering a decent amount of emotion, alas, I don’t think this has reached quite the same effect in some of your more recent chapters.
To be able to feel sympathy for the characters the reader needs to feel some connection to them and I currently don’t feel that much emotion to what has just happened in this chapter.

Story is important but I recommend you take the time to establish some moments, let conversations happen, show off your character’s personalities. This might slow down the plot but some much needed understanding of all your characters will be given and thus make what your trying to tell more impactful.

I’m sorry if any of my comments have gotten you down so let me try to make up for it by saying that I enjoyed for metaphor about the eagle. I’m not American so I just thought it was really cool but I’m certain it’s even better if you come from that ‘star spangled banner’ stuff.

[insert awkward laugh here]

Either way, I truly am enjoying this and can’t wait to see where it goes next!

- H.G

User avatar
JesseWrites
Review

Jesse here to review, so I am hopping in now.

I see that you indent your writings. That got me wanting to start that habit.

"Blood began to flow down my arm as the men tightened their grip even more."
I don't know it that much blood comes from something like that.

I feel like those guys are creeps, but it may just be me overreacting. Brad is an antagonist with a twist. That twist being creepy.

"smug little grin off his ugly face"
Literal queen.

I don't see anything else.

Thanks,
Jesse.



you ever say spidgit finner unironically?
— FireEyes