Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Chapter One
The day before the full moon was always the worst. Seb had taken the day off school in favour of curling around a hot water bottle under his duvet as his body tore itself apart. His insides had become a churning mass of pain. Each movement was positively agony.
Seb groaned as a sharp rap on the door made his headache worse. “What?”
“I hope you’re decent,” Riley poked her head around the door. It was perhaps best to describe her as she came across upon first meeting her; a small, blonde, elf-like creature who was, at best, comparable to a hyperactive Pomeranian. “You ready for later?”
“Ugh,” Seb sat up, rubbing his eyes and flinching away from her voice. It rung through his brain and left a ripple of agony that burrowed deep into his head.
“C’mon, Seb,” Riley crossed the room with an energy that baffled him. The pain of the before-moon apparently wore off with age - but in all of his fifteen years, he’d never felt as miserable as he did then. Riley opened the heavy curtains, which Seb had drawn to protect his now-sensitive eyes, as soon as the sun had dared to shine.
“Dammit, Riley. I drew those for a reason...”
“Are you pouting, ya big baby?”
“Yeah. I’m pouting. Leave me alone...” He retreated under the duvet as soon as the hazy evening sun invaded his room, “I feel like I’m about to explode,”
“It’ll ease up once you get older.”
“I still feel like shit,” Seb said, voice muffled.
“Oi! Language, please. Now, get ready. We’re leaving in five,”
Seb said nothing, waiting for the tell-tale click of the door. He pushed his sheets back, set his stuffed wolf plushie onto the pillow, and flopped out of bed. Days like this were awful. He staggered around for a moment, blinded by the too-low sun in nothing but his underwear. The day before the full moon was the only downside of being a werewolf - surprisingly, he didn’t enjoy a day of borderline-excruciating pain. I’m not some kind of sick masochist. This sucks.
Seb grabbed his bag to pack for a night of werewolfing, groping around hazily in the hopes of coming across whatever he’d need. He shoved things haphazardly, yawning and rubbing his eyes as he went. Torch. Clothes. Phone. Lock-knife. Instant noodles. First aid kit. More underwear. Fake ID. To his half-awake mind, they looked useful enough.
There wasn’t time to fix his bedraggled hair on the way out. The scribble of almost-matted hair, he noted through his throbbing mind, wasn’t the most flattering look.
He slumped into the kitchen and took a chair at the table. Tiffany - Riley’s somewhat calmer wife - was sat beside three-year-old Juana. She’d been adopted a few years after Seb had been ‘rescued’ from a care home.
“’Bastian!” Juana squealed, holding out her hands. Seb took his face out of his hands and smiled. Juana hadn’t yet reached the age of definitive form - she spent her days in a turbulent, shifting mixture of human and wolf form. Tufts of black-grey fur spotted her tawny skin like some kind of mange, and her teeth were sharper than they should’ve been.
“Hey, Juana...” Seb managed, clutching his stomach as another miserable cramp weakened his body.
“Okay. Let’s go,” Riley swung the door open, cheerily dragging an overpacked leather satchel with her.
Tiffany frowned, “we’re going to need all that?”
“Maybe,” Riley shrugged, ushering everybody out.
They tumbled out onto the gravel of their driveway and the chill of the night. Riley’s truck stood beside the ramshackle terraced house like a faithful, freezing horse. The kind of horse that ran on borrowed petrol, broken keys, and a whole lot of optimism.
“Work, you little...” Tiffany coaxed the engine into life as Seb fumbled with the seatbelt. The way the metal shone was starting to distract him. His mind wandered into magpie’s fantasies as he heard talking and revving in some faraway place. He felt a deep-seated movement, perhaps an acceleration, from a body that didn't feel like his. The feelings that didn’t match up with his mind started to fade. Wouldn’t it... be nice to sleep?
His eyes refocused, squinting through grinding pain. Someone was talking too loudly. Saying his name too much.
“Sebastian. Sebastian, you big goof. Wake up, c’mon...”
Seb peeled his face off of the grimy window, looking from the now positively fuzzy Juana, to Riley, to Tiffany. She, Seb was convinced, had been a giraffe in a past life. She was tall, nonchalant, and vegetarian. She also happened to be the only human of the household. She smiled through the rear-view mirror as they swung off of the motorway and the awful migraine-inducing lights, away from the city and into the crisp twilight.
The forest they frequented was a small, shabby cluster on the top of a hill, made of pine trees so weedy that they resembled a receding hairline. One lone, unkempt, overgrown track traced through the heart of the trees. To the normal, it wasn’t worth visiting - which was exactly why they did.
Seb fought drifting off again, helped by the intensified pain, and focused on how Tiffany let the truck squeal to a halt and squeezed Riley’s hand before they reached into the back for Juana.
“Wolf!” she chanted, clapping her hands as Tiffany carried her out of the car.
Seb forced himself out of the truck after Riley with a muttered curse. There was something beautifully wrong about half-light and the way the trees’ shadows begun to change into more malevolent shapes, twisting on the ground with the ferns. It was those shapes, the ones that played tricks on his human eyes, that made him shiver.
He clutched his bag and clung to the new scents of the night as a fresh, intense wave of pain crashed over him. Juana’s excited squeals morphed with her until they were high-pitched yipping noises, and she was a squirming little wolf-pup, kicking up pine-needles and bounding in circles around Seb.
Ice rushed through his blood. All he wanted was to shift, to shift fluidly like he could on every other day of the month. He wanted to feel his fur blossoming and teeth sharpening, and he wanted it to be over in a split second.
Seb doubled over as his ribs contorted around mutating organs. It had begun. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Boys don’t cry. He clung to those words as his fingers crunched and fused together as they folded over, the palms of his hands toughened, and longer teeth threatened to puncture his human lips. Fur pushed against his skin as he fell onto his four canine legs. His eyesight dimmed into muted colours and every scent in the vicinity exploded, tripling threefold in strength. The ears were the last thing to change, and with them, every sound burst into clarity. No more were they muffled by music-deafened ears - every rustle of wings was sharp and clear.
He lay shivering for a few more moments, tangled up in a pile of now-oversized clothes, before he wriggled out and stood up. Any physical memory of the pain had gone, replaced with raw power from new muscles. Seb inhaled deeply, picking up scents of female, old, and shampoo. Riley had already shifted.
Seb left his clothes - there was time for that later - and bounded over to Tiffany and Riley, with Juana trailing happily behind. He reared up on his hind legs, putting his enormous paws on her shoulders to lick her cheek.
“Okay, Seb. Hey, get off - dogbreath much?” she laughed and ruffled the fur around his neck. He barked and returned all four paws to the ground, approaching Riley with his tail wagging. He rested his head on her shoulder, pulling his lips away into a smile when he drew away to push Juana’s muzzle playfully.
Then he sprung away, letting loose all of the frustration and energy that had built up over the day. He darted through the trees like he did every time, pushing his legs faster and his claws deeper into the mud. The ferns bowed as he passed them, the wind cheered, and even the moon thawed a little.
Euphoria. I think that’s the word I’d use, he thought, leaping over a log and soaring for the briefest of moments. He landed and his paws fell back into that perfect rhythm.
Another, fainter, set of drumming pawfalls joined his. Another wind-blown scent that he didn’t recognise. Blood, male, scared. Seb’s paws slowed to a warier pace as the drumming got louder and more urgent.
A light grey fluffball shot through the brambles, tumbling over and bowling Seb over in a growling flurry of claws and teeth. It stood up on spindly legs, its fur covered in thorns and matted with blood, and dropped down into a hunting posture.
Real wolves didn’t live in that part of the country.
Seb spun and raced back the way he’d come.
End of chapter
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139,909 Literary Works • 672,737 Reviews
Hey I'm new here so I'll just start at the beginning. I really enjoyed the tone of voice you used throughout this whole chapter. I also loved the snarky comments, such as when you referred to the truck as a frozen horse that ran on "a whole lot of optimism." That one got a little laugh out of me!
One thing I saw as unique was the way werewolf-Seb categorized the scents, such as "blood, male, scared," and I have to wonder: do the werewolves in this story have their primal senses enhanced along with scent and hearing?
Other than that, I truly enjoyed this chapter!
Thank you for reviewing
As a general rule, they have wolf-senses in wolf form and human senses in human form.
I know you asked for ch4, but I figured I'd start at the beginning and work through them all. You writing is great, so I might go a little more in depth than usual.
BIG THiNGS
I love the idea that Juana is always a bit mixed since she's too young for full control. Neat!
Once we get farther along into the chapter, Seb's pain is mentioned here and there, but the space in between isn't really warped by his discomfort. For instance, he drifts off to sleep easily, which I find difficult if I'm in a lot of pain. He also has normal conversation and observations about what's around him. If he's really so miserable, he'd be more inward-focused, I think. Not to say the whole chapter should be one big monologue about his pain, but rather that I'd like to see it permeate his perspective a little more.
Overall this is a good first chapter--it introduces the MC and what his life is like, and by the end we have a plot problem (the strange wolf). On my first read, I felt there was maybe not enough conflict/tension with the shift, as even though it's new for the *readers,* it's a pretty normal experience for the characters. The conflict only appears in those last few paragraphs. (In the first episode of the UK Being Human, it's established early that George's usual spot is suddenly undergoing renovations, so they have to scramble to find somewhere else for him to change--it's still "everyday" and introduces things for the audience, but there's this added layer of urgency)
LITTLE THINGS
I love the opening paragraph. Great hook and introduction to the story and character. You don't want to overdo it, though. You have 3 sentences about his pain--I'd trim down to two, or even just one really strong one ("as his body tore itself apart" does a great job of saying the same thing the next 2 sentences do). A good rule of thumb, overall, is to try and make your sentences do as much work for you as possible. Eg if two sentences do the same job, maybe they can be condensed into one, because that second one isn't pulling its weight.
rung -> rang
sprung -> sprang
Why does he need a bag with things like instant noodles and fake ID?
When you say Tiffany is Riley's partner, what does that mean? Girlfriend, life partner, or a wolfy thing, or like a police partner, partner in business, etc etc? Also I noticed you said "three of four had arrived" but I'm not sure I was every entirely clear who the four were.
I got very confused by the paragraph about magpie's fantasies and feelings that didn't match up with his mind.
"to shift fluidly like he could on every other day of the month" - Ok, I'm a little confused. I take it the rules of shifting are different in your world to the usual, but I'm not clear on this. He can shift easily every other day, but for some reason this day is really painful?
Love the "boys don't cry" bit, and the description of the change.
"female, old, and shampoo" - who is he smelling? Riley, Tiffany, or both?
The ending paragraphs felt a bit rushed, with the appearance of the other wolf. We go from euphoria to Seb high-tailing it out of there very quickly, and I wonder if you could take a few extra sentences to clarify what he senses and feels. Also I imagine the newcomer is practically on top of him, so can he really spin and race away?
Ok I'll be on to the next one sometime soon!
Thanks for such an in-depth review
Riley and Tiffany are married, but call each other 'partner' for fun, to confuse people. I'll make it clearer when I go over everything. The four were the four members of the family, but the reader isn't really going to know that, so I'll change it once I edit. Noodles and fake ID are needed because one can never be too cautious when about to go werewolfing, although I should probably make that clearer.
The shifting is a little confusing: On the day before the full moon, werewolves are stuck in human form and it's very painful. Pain tends to lessen as the werewolves get older. That night, they're stuck in wolf form. The day of the full moon, they're stuck as humans, and that night they're stuck as wolves. Apart from Juana, who is neither and both until she learns how to control her shifting.
-AnarchyWolf
Hey - I saw you had Chapter 8 in the green room and I thought I'd start to read this coz it seems pretty cool . Love horror genre so seemed like my thing
. Just going to list my observations as I read along!
.
.
. If you ever get the chance, could you check out my..
"His insides had become a churning mass of pain. Each movement was positively agony." wow that's seriously good imagery and it makes me feel pretty sorry for this guy xD. I really admire the opening paragraph, it draws me in with your description
"surprisingly, he didn’t enjoy a day of borderline-excruciating pain. I’m not some kind of sick masochist. This sucks." I really like the sarcasm used. It shows what kind of a character Seb is.
"Seb was convinced, had been a giraffe in a past life. " That made me laugh xD
"It was those shapes, the ones that played tricks on his human eyes, that made him shiver." I thought this was a little awkwardly phrased, and awkward to read...so personally I would reword it. Maybe to something like "It was those shapes that played tricks on his human eyes, and made him shiver."
"A light grey fuffball shot through the brambles," - do you mean fluffball ? I have no idea what a 'fuffball' is
Anyway, that's me done! I really loved this plot, and the way you wrote it- it was really awesome. I'll definitely be reading on, I think you have a real talent for writing
Watching
..series . Don't worry if not, but I feel like your advice would be really helpful to me.
So yeah , keep on writing! Well done, this is amazing! And hope I could help a little xD.
- Lauren
Thank you so much for the review
I'll correct the mistakes when I finish the novel and go through the rewriting stage. I'll also go and read and review Watching - it sounds good.
-AnarchyWolf
Oh thank you
Hey there! I made it at last!
I absolutely love your style, how you started out, your MC, the works! In all honestly, there isn't a lot that I could find to critique in this. I think you have a really strong start and I'm curious to see where you take this! I'm not normally a fan of werewolf stories because they always seem to be the same, but this seems to have a healthy dose of realism that really brings it down to earth, which I like.
This is great because it gives us a piece of who Seb is! I love that he has a plushie wolf. You're really great at letting us know who Seb is throughout this first chapter, which is awesome because I feel like I already have a great grasp of what kind of person he is and I'm already loving him!
Another good example of character. So far I love his dry, humourous mind. It reminds me of my friends and I think other people would be able to relate to that as well.
That moment when I realized what his full name was. It did take me a minute though, there was a minute of "but I thought his name was-- Ohhh".
Again, his humour <3
This was just slightly confusing- but then not really at all. When you say "she" we don't really know who you're talking about right off the bat. I can gather that you're probably talking about Tiffany, but you might want to consider replacing "she" with the person's name whom you're talking about. I think it would just keep that little confusion out of there.
The syntax is a bit off in this line. Generally I find the cause of odd sounding syntax is when people try to shorten things in and cut out key words from their sentences, if that makes sense. In this case, writing "to the normal" sounds odd because although we know what "the normal" (or we think we do) is, it almost makes it people sound like not really living being's, but objects. And you can see that it makes it that way because I used "what" and "is" to describe them instead of "whom" and "are" because they don't sound right with it. I hope this is making sense! I think it would flow better if you simply something like "to normal people". The second part isn't bad but it might make it read easier if you say something like "which was exactly why his family did" only because "they" makes our brains momentarily think that you're referring to the normal people.
"Hunting posture" sounds a little odd because I've never heard of a dog/wolf posture being described as that. Maybe try using a word choice that isn't quite telling us exactly what it is he's doing? By that I mean... I'm not sure. This sentence kind of sets it'self up to lead to a verb-description thing, but it doesn't really sound right to me, somehow? You might want to try rewording it and just put it as something like 'it stood, watching Seb like it wanted to pounce'. I'm not sure.
Something else I wanted to mention was how Seb acted toward people when he first turned. He acted more like a dog/wolf than I was expecting, I guess. Which technically isn't bad since he is a wolf, but what I mean is he kind of lost the teenage boy bit. I can't really see Seb going up to his care-givers and kissing them on the cheek when he's a boy, but he basically did that as a wolf, so it didn't quite feel like it fit to me. Also she pets him and he barks- again like a dog/wolf but he seems too cheerful? Maybe I'm too used to teens being angsty! But it just seemed odd after him being super groggy and grumpy-ish that he'd suddenly be super happy towards his care-givers. I get that it probably feels super freeing to turn into a wolf finally and get rid of all that pain and everything, but those were just my thoughts.
Over all I thought this was great! I'm interested to see what's the difference between shifting on a full moon and regularly- because it was mentioned that they could normally, so I thought it was odd/interesting that they consider shifting on the full moon different- maybe it's just that they can't control it, but I feel like there might be something else there.
Also it's worth noting that your similes and imagery felt super nature and I may or may not have had a BRIEF moment of jealousy.
Keep it up!
-Socks
Thank you for reviewing
I'll add in the corrections when I rewrite
You're welcome!
Hi, AnarchyWolf! Mage here to do the promised review! So let's get to it, shall we?
Your writing style flows nicely, and the vocabulary you use throughout this chapter is advanced. You keep the reader interested throughout the piece. You have a great writing style, and interesting characters. I'm thoroughly hooked. Speaking of hooks, I'll start with your hook.
Your hook was great. I loved how it quickly establishes that he's a werewolf (something I know from Character Interviews and the reader should know from the title, but it's still important to do something like that).
The comma after "explode" should be a period.
The "w" in "we're" should be capitalized.
There shouldn't be a period after "vegetarian". Also, the way you slipped in the fact that everyone except Tiffany aren't human was perfect. It flowed well with the rest of the paragraph.
I love this line.
This transformation was amazing. I've written transformation before, so I know the difficulty of making it detailed, flow, and make sense. You did a great job on all three of those categories.
That line was all that you needed to put to let the readers know that the wolf that had appeared was in fact not a normal wolf. Short and concise, and no further detail needed to alert the readers.
Keep up the spectacular work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Thanks so much for reviewing
I'll put the corrections in when I rewrite it.
You're welcome!
I really like the take on this story already! I've read way too many "lone edgy hot werewolf guy" stories and a werewolf story based on family relations is so refreshing. After all, wolves are family creatures! I sincerely await your next chapter (If it isn't out already) and I hope you keep up the great work!
Thanks so much
Good day, Cups here to serve a delicious interview!
The introduction caught my attention immediately. I really like the way you basically just get nearly all the information at the beginning. It's a whole lot less frustrating to read. I also liked the way you described the transformation. You went into just enough detail for me to go: "Ouch," but not too much that I can't read it from being queezy. I think you could describe Seb a bit, because I have no clue whatsoever what he looks like. I like the way you introduced Riley. She seems to be perky, but she also doesn't tolerate mucking around too much.
The only thing I would recommend about the paragraph after, is that you say Seb 'flopped' out of bed, which gives me the image that he just kind of jumped out. (That didn't really come out how I wanted it to.) Maybe something a little better would be something like: "He slowly rolled out of bed..."
You also describe his hair as a 'scribble', which is totally fine, but it sounds a slight bit awkward in that sentence. Perhaps it's just me. Then, later on, you say that his fingers crunched and doubled over. I believe you mean that his body doubled over. Then again, I'm probably wrong. Perhaps something a little better would be: "His fingers crunched, and his body doubled over..."
The part where you described the transformation was magnificent. I could picture everything so vividly! To wrap this review up, I'm just going to say that I can't wait for more! Please notify me whenever you update.
Keep writing!
-Cups
Great story! I can't wait for more!
@Shala thanks
I'll definitely work on describing Seb more.
@CupcakesForRealMen thanks so much for the review. I'm glad you liked it