Cursed world: Chapter three (II)

by Alchemist

Published June 28, 2014

E - Everyone

In Cursed world

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Hi again, this is just as messy as the first part, I hope it will be understandable.

Aleron woke up from his sleep to the touch on his shoulder. He flexed his neck painfully, from the position he was in. Sethis was the one to wake him up.

“It’s time to train”, he whispered, still poking him with the rod. Aleron mumbled, his eyes still half closed, but slowly stood up, clearing his clothes from the dirt.

“Follow”, Sethis ordered shortly after. Lantern was over his shoulder as usual, swaying in the cold breeze. There was no sign of Flame inside, it seemed like a plain, normal fire.

This Sethis, he was a mystery to Aleron. His sudden personality changes, most of. Now that he was thinking, he wasn’t completely sure if he was his hostage, of some kind. After all, his village could not refuse handing him over, and he would probably not be allowed to leave Sethis’s side.

“Here is the perfect place”, Sethis said, stopping suddenly not that far from the place where they were sleeping. All around them was a vast meadow, with rare birch trees placed occasionally. This place was so different from his home. Somehow, it was full of life. Aleron failed to notice it when they first settled here earlier that day. The meadows, did he see them for the first time just now? But something about the swaying grass was oddly familiar.

“Can you tell how many times did I use the magic so far?” Sethis asked him out of nowhere.

The question wasn’t all that surprising to Aleron, he was thinking about it a lot. “You came across the sea with it, and manipulated fire in our village. But that is just using Flame, isn’t it?” Sethis nodded firmly, and Aleron continued:” You used it to persuade the guards at the Grimstone, and to keep the people away from us… and while fighting lord Havindir, you somehow dulled the sword. I don’t know what was…that magic.”

Unsure how to actually name it, the thing that killed the Havindir, Aleron hesitated. Sethis easily noticed his unease flashing on his face.

“Havindir was hunting his own subordinates, and making his clothes out of their skin, Aleron. I wanted to purify him, to drain his darkness out, but there was nothing left inside.”

The boy nodded in comprehension, with a serious look. “I know why it had to be done.”

“Is that all you noticed?” Sethis smiled. Aleron could give no answer, he stood there and waited.

“Well, it is very sharp of you to notice what I did with the blade. But can’t you tell I’m using it right now?”

Aleron gasped, trying to shake off the feeling of being controlled, but his teacher was soon to continue. “Look at our surroundings. Have you ever seen the world, lively as now?” He shook his head. “You can’t see it anywhere, today. Somehow, I can make the world heal. But I’m not strong enough to heal the whole world.”

“That’s how you were healing Arin?” Aleron surprised. “I completely forgot about it! She looks completely fine now.”

His teached smiled broadly. “You are sharp indeed. I will tell you about the magic I can use, and hopefully teach you all of it. I can fix what’s wrong with this world. I’m not completely sure how it works myself, but under it comes this ‘healing’ power as you call it, what I’m doing right now, and dulling that sword.”

“Healing Arin and dulling the sword is the same magic?”

“Yes”, Sethis seemed to enjoy this. “Humans are not meant to be sick and metal is not meant to be shaped. There is something wrong with both of them.” He watched in awe Alerons face flusing with realization. “The second ‘category’, is affecting the humans around me. I can make people do as I want. This is not the case with you, however. Or… that girl. The last one you witnessed is, manipulating the darkness inside the humans.”

“What?” this seemed to disturb Aleron. Manipulating it? What is that supposed to mean?

“The darkness, this hatred and madness of the world is just as touchable as you and me. This rod I have is the one example of it. What else, but human hatred would be strong enough to contain a force of nature such as Flame is?”

Sethis lifted his free hand, and stretched it out before him. At first Aleron didn’t notice the fine black needles reaching up from the ground. They formed a black plate which seemed to levitate off the ground, and Sethis stepped on it. “This is how I crossed the sea.”

With mouth wide open, Aleron couldn’t believe it. So basically… he is levitating on a plate made of human hatred. Hmm…

“This is insane.”

“Look into your bag”, Sethis seemed to ignore him. This confused the boy, who almost immediately reached toward his side and a black bag he wore.

Inside there were several scrolls and a bottle with transparent liquid. “Whats all of this?”

“It is my gift to you. Find a scroll sealed with a blue seal.” Aleron couldn’t shake of this feeling of being amused reaching from Sethis. But his curiosity was stronger than him. He soon pulled out the requested scroll.

“Open it, and unfold it over the ground.”

Aleron did as ordered. There was a large text all over I written in a small signs he had never seen before. But in the middle of it there was a gap formed by words, forming a white human hand. Sethis shown him to put his hand on.

Aleron placed it. His fingers were severely smaller than the gap; it was probably made for a grown man. Aleron waited, but nothing happened. He looked at his teacher who seemed lost in thoughts.

“Good, it is all I needed”, Sethis finally said. “Put it back. I will teach you how to use Flame first. Learning your own magic will take some time, this way you will at least be useful to me.”

This was it? Nothing happened? Aleron couldn’t help but feel disappointed by the scroll as he was putting it back in his bag. There were dozens more, what if none of them did anything?

“Catch!” it was yelled to him; he barely managed to clip his fingers around the rod before it smashed into his face.

How can it feel soothing? Even after I learned what this is… even after I saw…

“You can’t contain your presence kid. It’s so rude to wake me up like this”, Flame appeared after some time. Contain my presence? What’s he talking about?

“You can feel it Flame, don’t you?” Sethis’s voice was sinister.

“There is such a pile of it.” Voice inside the lantern replied soon enough.

“What are you talking about?” Aleron demanded to know, but the duo decided to ignore him.

“I don’t want to be with this kid” Flame said.

“Nevermind. Just cooperate.”

He was certain he could feel Flame’s hatred flowing through the rod, but it decided to say nothing else.

The smile danced over Sethis’s face. “Let’s begin.”

Aleron never noticed the box of matches inside his hands, nor when he decided to lit one. But as soon as fire danced in the night, pictures overwhelmed him. This tiny source of light dancing in his master’s hand suddenly burst into a raging curl of light and heat almost reaching to Aleron himself. It swallowed Sethis completely.

The grass caught in fire too, and the trees around were smoking.

Just wha... what happened? Did I do this? Sethis, are you allright?

But nothing stopped. Pictures continued to appeare before him, and he acknowledged them all. Fire started twisting high into the sky, spiraling towards the stars.

He didn’t notice his rod becoming red of heat. The pain spread from his hand to his bones, biting his whole body in an instant. Moreover, this blaze kept spreading around, keeping him in a small circle, completely surrounded.

It will reach Arin.

In an instant, he broke free off his pain paralysis. With a scream, Aleron shoved it into the ground deep, almost to the point where he was holding it.

These pictures kept flashing before his eyes, but he saw one he wanted to come true.

This wildfire started swirling around him, reaching towards his rod. They were buring him, and his arm glued to it.

Still screaming, Aleron targeted his look towards the Flame. He was bursing out inside, like aleron had never seen him before. Am I… hurting you?

The rod sucked up all the fire, and Aleron crushed to his knees. The skin on the palm of his hand was burned down and glued to the rod, and his whole body was burned around randomly. The pain was so great that he could not move; he just stood there, breathing heavily, watching the sunrise.

A charred figure was smoking not so far away. He held his hand before him, as if he was holding something. The char cracked around his fingers and fell apart.

He is still alive.

Bloodied fingers appeared from under it. Soon the figure cracked once again, and again, until his teacher was completely free, and completely burned over every inch of his body.

“What a breeze”, he finally said. “For the man who swam in the hearth of the volcano, this is nothing but a breeze.” But he did seem to be in pain, however. That stubborn man.

“What happened…” Aleron cried out too silent to be heard.

“Good job, Flame.”

“Sethis, I didn’t put it down. The kid did it on his own. What is worse, I couldn’t do it. His will was too strong.”

“I can see that”, Sethis said while his look glanced over the hand holding tightly onto the rod. It then ran over the small hill far away, the place where the fire stopped.

“Ah, so that was it.”

“What is this kid Sethis? I don’t want him to hold me anymore. Damn it, I’d rather be with you.”

Sethis laughed out. “Rather be with me? I can’t imagine what could make you say that.”

“I’m… sorry”, Aleron whispered. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Flame.”

“I’ve never seen power like his. He almost extinguished my will, Sethis.”

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Snowery
Review
Snowery wrote a review Review · Jul 16, 2014

Hey Alchy!! I came back to review your last chapter so far! :)

Main Points

metal is not meant to be shaped.


This is interesting :)

Yes”, Sethis seemed to enjoy this


This paragraph where you explained your system of magic could have been a tad more clearer. Maybe start off with mentioning that there are three “categories” of magic (or however many)? Just so that it can read a little more organised.
By the way, I thik that having “human hatred” as a form of magic is a wonderful idea. I think it's pretty unique too seeing as I haven't really stumbled across it anywhere else. I'm looking forward to learning more about this. :)

His fingers were severely smaller than the gap


^.^ That's so cute. How old is Aleron?

How can it feel soothing?


How can what feel soothing? This thought was a little disjointed, I can't seem to connect it with what was previously said.

Wow, what a chapter! So we learn some important things here like the system of magic, but at the same time even more questions have been created. What happened with the whole burning thing? What did it mean? Are they actually burnt, as in for real? I'll be eager to see what happens when the next chapter comes out. So it seems that Aleron is more powerful than he seems, and now poor Flame is terrified of him XD I wonder if Arin heard any of the commotion?
Your chapters are going really well! The only thing may be to go over your sentence structuring because some of them are a little strange. Also don't forget to consciously look for places to put “a”, “an”, and “the”, because sometimes they're missing. Also don't forget that everything flows well together, sometimes some of the thoughts or descriptions don't have enough context to them so I'm not sure what they're referring to so I have to read them over a few times. Apart from that great job! I'm looking forward to seeing more. Keep it up and happy writing! :) :)

Silverlock

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Jul 7, 2014

Hey there Alchemist!

Yay! I'm finally all up to date *does a little dance* I guess I should just get on with the review now, right?

Wow. This is a totally new view you've put on magic here. I like how he hasn't got endless magical powers but just knows to manipulate the human hatred and also the power of healing. It seems like something interesting to have at your disposal and I am looking forwards to seeing more ways in which Sethis is going to use magic and teach Aleron how to use it as well. I feel like the way you explained it in this chapter was a bit confusing. But what I liked so much about the ending was that you mentioned even the Flame itself was afraid of what Aleron could do, and that just goes to show how powerful he is, even though he doesn't know how to control it himself.

One thing I have to ask about magic, though, is if it something people are born with? Something people are destined to have? Or something anyone can have it they work hard enough at practicing it? Are there different kinds of magic? I want to know more details about this concept because it is such a broad one and can be so different in every story. You've got your own definition to magic and how it will work, but make sure you lie down the rules so we know the limitations, benefits, and of course, it's disadvantages! Does it take energy? Or does magic come with a price? *giggles*

He flexed his neck painfully, from the position he was in.


I rephrased this so it makes more sense: He flexed his neck which felt painful after sleeping in an awkward position.

Lantern was over his shoulder as usual


Don't forget the small but necessary word 'the' at the beginning of this sentence, otherwise the word 'latern' actually becomes a name, which it isn't.

“Can you tell how many times did I use the magic so far?”


There doesn't need to be a 'the' in this sentence...

The fire magic confused me. Did it really happen, or was it a trick of his mind, a test mentally? Either way, I am very confused. Would Sethis really cause wreckage on to such a wide area just to teach the kid a lesson? It doesn't seem like something he would do if he is trying to heal the world. Please explain this to me because my silly brain can't be functioning right, and it might be nice if you made it a bit clearer in the story as well, so more people like me can understand it too. And picture what is happening.

This was a good chapter. I don't really have much else to say. Did they leave Arin sleeping by herself while all this took place? Are they sure she is safe?

Post on my wall or something to keep me updated so I can keep being a good adoptive parent ^^ I am looking forwards to reading more :D

Image

Deanie x

Hey Deanie!

Yet again you are askng really good questions, some of which ar meantto be just that, while some represent gaps. Since I've got really good reviews here, I've decided to rework these chapters to fill in the gaps (its not like they will be too much diferent- I will add some paragraphs here and there).

Well it wont take me more than a day, and I will let you know. I will have more out within a week. :)

Thanks for picking me up and your awesomness!

User avatar
JayeCShore
Review
JayeCShore wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

While reading through this, I enjoyed the read, but there were so many small mistakes, mostly grammatical, that I had a hard time swallowing it all, so I'll make this review focused on those things, more or less.

Aleron woke up from his sleep to the touch on his shoulder. He flexed his neck painfully, from the position he was in. Sethis was the one to wake him up.


To be correct, the second sentence should be broken up into two, with the comma being turned into a period, as "He flexed his neck painfully." And "From the position he was in" are two different thoughts.

“It’s time to train”, he whispered, still poking him with the rod. Aleron mumbled, his eyes still half closed, but slowly stood up, clearing his clothes from the dirt.


Although "clothes from the dirt" may be a typo, I found it witty and funny, so if it is a mistake, it's a very well done one, and I wouldn't change it for anything.

His sudden personality changes, most of.


I think you meant "most of all."

Now that he was thinking, he wasn’t completely sure if he was his hostage, of some kind.


To make this sentence correct, it has to have a counter idea, an opposite. "He wasn't sure if A or B." Here, you only have A. you can fix that by changing the last part to, "...or something of that kind."

“Havindir was hunting his own subordinates, and making his clothes out of their skin, Aleron. I wanted to purify him, to drain his darkness out, but there was nothing left inside.”


This is an interesting thought. Draining Darkness. Very interesting indeed, though a bit cliche in its essence, but still, if it's pursued correctly, it could make for a very epic concept.

And I'm going to stop there. Honestly, there are quite a few errors and mistakes, most of them grammatical as I've stated before. I do have to say I find it a bit annoying when people don't proof read and re-read their own works, but, at least it gave me something to do.

As far as the story goes, it's interesting. I can't say much about it because this is just one chapter. And only a part of one at that, so it's not like I know the whole story, and you can never judge a book by a chapter. It can shift so much from one to the next. So well done.

Thank you Alchemist!

- JC -


#TheFaultInOurReviews

Hey, thanks for the review!

I'm sorry that you had to read an unedited story, but there are few reasons really: I'm not native english speaker, so I think I will always have some errors, and second I always miss tons of mistakes when proofreading. Not an excuse for not doing it though.

Thanks for pointing out these things, you have right in each and every one of them.

You're awesome! :)

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

Hooray, I'm all caught up! :D

I really like the description of the meadow. Again, it's just something small, but it's great. I had a good image in my mind as I was reading. I also like how Aleron compared it to his home village. That really shows us some good differences between villages.

Wow...wow. Seriously, this is your best chapter to date. I really enjoyed it. The way you described the magic and everything that was happening was great. I followed along easily and was able to understand.

So Aleron is actually quite a powerful person, huh? I mean, I knew that he was something special. But to be special enough to almost extinguish Flame?? That's something. It was nice to see him finally use magic. It's quite interesting that he doesn't really understand what he's doing or how he's doing it. All he knew was that the flames were going to hurt Arin so he stopped them.

I'm glad we finally got a description about the magic in this chapter. I wanted to mention that in my past reviews, but I had a feeling that it would all be mentioned in this chapter. I didn't want to mention it until I was absolutely sure you hadn't mentioned it in any published chapters. Which of course, you have. I was waiting a while to get an explanation about how this magic worked and what exactly it did. I'm glad you explained it here. I feel like we still haven't gotten the full story about this magic, but it's a start.

I can't wait to read the next chapter! Will Aleron start learning how to control his magic and be conscious about his magic abilities? Is Sethis really a master to Aleron or is he just controlling him with his magic? I have all these questions that I can't wait to be answered! Let me know when the next chapter is out!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hey! You've gone through it all, thats awesome!

I think answering on each of these will just spam you, so I decided to just post the 'thanks' here. Your reviews will be of immense help! :)



I drink tea and forget the world's noises.
— Chinese saying