Word count: 1540. Published draft! It needs some proof reading to pick off the nitpicks but you can give me feedback on the characters and the plot, and I'm very interested in how character interaction feels so far to the people reading!
Sethis let Aleron wear his lantern; the boy had it over his shoulder, trying to not swing the angry Flame too much. He tried to imitate Sethis’s serious facial expression. Flame’s muttering extinguished somewhere along the road.
All of a sudden, Aleron lowered his head, and Sethis had noticed it. “What’s wrong?” he could ask nothing more.
“I’m sad for my brother”, with watery eyes he said. The corner of his eyes was flexing uncomfortably, but Aleron didn’t let the tear out.
“It is all right to cry”, Sethis tried to comfort him. “We sometimes lose our loved ones, and it can’t be helped. Sometimes, you even can’t accept it, like your father couldn’t.”
“I even feel sorry for my dad”, Aleron said. “I mean, I understand him. All he wanted was a normal son, and I also took my mother away from him.”
“Stop!” Sethis angrily brusted out. “None of it is your fault. Many mothers die during the childbirth. Us humans are only to watch and hope it all goes well, but nature is sometimes cruel.” He was looking the sky in front of them lost in thoughts. “And you are not normal child. You are really, really special. Your father had no idea what he would do with someone as unique as you.”
Tear rolled down his cheeks, Aleron couldn’t help it. It was not his fault… none of it was. It was really hard for him to believe in it, after all the years of hatred, but just hearing it, it was so beautiful.
“Thank you”, he spit out, somehow proudly. He tried to straighten up his posture, and walked more confidently. He barely noticed the smile Sethis tried to hide away.
“Sweet”, Flame brushed off, but he didn’t sound as angry as usual. “You learned how to carry me, peasant.”
Aleron laughed the innocent way all the children knew. “You are so cool, Flame. Why did Sethy have to capture you? Were you really that bad?”
“Bad?” Flame protested, and his voice told he was ready to argue. “He just burst into my mountain and fought me, that vandal!”
“Don’t lie Flame”, Sethis laughed. “You spit lava down to the city below the mountain. I needed to save those people.”
“Mpmhh”, none of them seemed to understand Flame. “And it was coincidence that you were there, a man who can control my power. And strong enough to beat me.”
“Wow Flame, you are bad!”Aleron critiqued him. He frowned, watching into the distance.
“Yes, quite an angry, bad little spirit”, Sethis mocked him.
Flame burst inside the lantern, getting ready to yell, but Aleron lifted his forefinger and said:” Look! There is a wall in the distance!”
“Oh, Flame, we have arrived”, Sethis said. Fire inside the lantern made the gesture somewhat similar to nod.
“What, you planned to go to the town? And you never told me?” through the frown Aleron argued.
“We’ve got some business here. You should keep out of my way and watch carefully”, Sethis was getting him ready. “You might see some serious magic here.”
“I can help too! Flame and I can spit out that fire on them!” what he said was followed with an evil laughter.
“No”, Sethis decided. “This is a dangerous place to be, and you are just a kid.”
Just a kid! Aleron pouted openly. He even swung the rod a little, for what the Flame had groaned.
They reached the paved road, but there were no travelers around. Aleron had recognized the city: it was Grimstone, the city he visited two years ago with his father. He was needed to carry additional supplies back to the village.
The familiar gates were getting bigger and bigger before them. The gate was closed, but there were few tired guards on the walls above, sitting in silence. They seemed troubled to Aleron.
“Open the gates!” Sethis yelled.
“Lord forbid entering the town, traveler”, tired guard answered. The rest were uninterested, looking somewhere in the distance, leaning on their spears.
“I said open the gates. Do you know who I am?”
Aleron turned back to see the Flame, but his face was gone, only the brief, red fire burning inside the lantern.
“Maybe we should let him in, Brim?” one of the guards seemed insecure. The first one to talk looked him as if he was stupid.
“Listen to your friend. Don’t make a fuss out of nothing.” Sethis advised him.
Something made the guard reconsider his thoughts. He looked down on them, eyebrow lifted.
“Don’t make me contact lord Havindir, I have a way to do it, trust me.”
The first guard cursed when the third man tapped his shoulder and said “Just let the guy in, Brim”. He yelled to the other side of the wall; the mechanism made a lot of noise and the wooden gate lifted up.
“You are entering at your own responsibility, traveler”, the guard advised him.
Sethis nodded, and let the way in. Flame’s laughter hissed from behind, and Sethis seemed satisfied.
The picture of Grimstone was nothing close to what Aleron had remembered. Actually, if there wasn’t for the walls, he wouldn’t recognize the town at all.
Usually two storey buildings were covered with mud. The boards were nailed across most of the windows, and the doors were smeared with what seemed to be the blood.
What was the worst, people were wandering around almost lifeless. The smell of death was all over, and many men were face down in the dirt, not moving.
“Sickness consumed this city,” Sethis said in disgust. “If they cared to keep the city clean while it was healthy, it would have never fell victim to the plague.”
Aleron listened carefully. He was still holding the Flame, but as soon as he saw the inside of the city he was certain he was to do nothing. It seemed weird, though, that none of the people approached them.
While watching all the skinny people, he saw a girl about his age, sitting all alone in the street, her back leaned to the wall of some building. She looked as if she was dead, but her chest were lifting slowly.
“I want us to help her”, he was decisive. He wanted Sethis to hear how certain he was for what he said.
“We are not picking up stray dogs, kid”, he frowned, but he seemed like he was angry at himself.
“I’m not letting her die”, Aleron spitted. His face was dead serious; he knew he was just a kid but he had to do something.
But what Sethis did surprised him. The man stopped and turned around to face him. His expression was something Aleron haven’t faced yet: it was fear.
“Listen”, Sethis calmly said, which confronted the look on his face. “If you save this girl now, she will destroy your life. I promise you, if you let her die, you will live happy life. If you save her, she will ruin you, and one day you will die by her hand.”
Aleron’s eyes were getting wider and wider while he listened Sethis. His heart pumped stronger than ever, and strange sensation filled his stomach. He looked upon the dirty, skinny girl all alone in the corner of the street.
He would ruin him? How was that even possible? But Sethis was always so sure for what he talked about. This conversation was no different.
Aleron swallowed the lump. “I will risk it.”
Sethis cursed loudly. “You…” he leaned forward, looking him in the eyes. “You are a strange kid.”
Flame hissed from behind. “You can’t control everyone, Sethis.”
“How do you mean everyone?” it bugged Aleron.
Sethis’s lips curved. “I used the magic to convince the guards to let us in. It doesn’t work on you, though.”
“You tried to use magic on me?” anger filled his veins.
“Now, now” Sethis almost whispered. “better go pick that girl of yours.”
“Oh!” all the anger disappeared from his body and he turned towards the girl. He approached her slowly, like a cat he wouldn’t like to scare away.
The girl didn’t seem to notice him at first, but then she snatched out. She pulled her legs closer, watching Aleron with her eyes wide open. She started shaking.
“Hey, don’t be afraid”, Aleron said while approaching. “Are you all alone there?” His voice was soothing. Sethis watched emotionless from behind.
The girl nodded. That’s when her stained hair fell over her shoulders. Her gaze slowly returned to normal while watching each other, without a word.
His heart pumped yet again. The flaxen hair she had was locked in his sight, and her eyes he couldn’t stop looking at.
“You should come with us. It isn’t safe alone in the streets.” He offered his hand to her. The girl hesitated for a while, but then she answered, her arm shaking. She was really weak; he helped her get out, and she put her arm over his neck.
Sethis smiled warmly. “Fool.”
Aleron was really sure he heard Flame laughing from behind, though he wasn’t completely sure. Whatever happens, he was glad he helped his girl. He was happy he could save at least someone.
End of chapter
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,519 Reviews
Geo here! I read your last chapter and now I am up to this.
“I’m sad for my brother”, with watery eyes he said. The corner of his eyes was flexing uncomfortably, but Aleron didn’t let the tear out.
“It is all right to cry”, Sethis tried to comfort him. “We sometimes lose our loved ones, and it can’t be helped. Sometimes, you even can’t accept it, like your father couldn’t.”
“I even feel sorry for my dad”, Aleron said. “I mean, I understand him. All he wanted was a normal son, and I also took my mother away from him.”
Those lines were really awesome, I can see now that Aleron and Sethis really have a powerful relationship that will make this story so much more interesting. The two have the perfect teacher student relationship.
“You should come with us. It isn’t safe alone in the streets.” He offered his hand to her. The girl hesitated for a while, but then she answered, her arm shaking. She was really weak; he helped her get out, and she put her arm over his neck.
And woah, a new member to the team, sounds awesome and legit, but i'm guessing what Sethis said about her ending his life was all a lie? Maybe the two will have a romance, woo! Sounds like you added more towards having a great story. I'm looking forward to more for sure!! Hopefully my questions get answered in future chapters.
Sorry once again. I'm just now going through my chapters while reading all the review suggestions, so thanks for the help!
Hey there Alchemist!
What an interesting continuation! What I liked so much was the fact that Sethis had such a deep conversation with Aleron and made him realize that he was a worthy son, and wasn't his fault that his father didn't like him and that his mother died. Because it isn't, but the father was too blind in his grief to see that. It's interesting to see Sethis make such a prophecy about Aleron and the girl as well. I hope it doesn't go as Sethis says it will, but then again, who knows. You wanted us to comment on the character interaction in particular, but really, I don't have any feedback to give there. The character interaction was wonderful and the best bit.
Typo! *bursted.
I think you mean to say 'tears' here instead. Also, this is a comma splice because the comma is replacing a conjunction that is really necessary. Maybe rephrasing the sentence could help? Something like: Tears rolled down his cheeks, despite Aleron trying to stop them. Or: Aleron couldn't help the tears rolling down his cheeks.
YES! There is a mistake with the three full stops that a lot of people make, but you haven't done it. Which is awesome <3 I believe this chapter needs a like just for that! (I am going to really enjoy reading this.)
You've got two adverbs pretty close together. Most writers tell me, or have told me to avoid them because you get your best writing without them. I'm still not sure about that, but it would be nicer to have one of these two eradicated. Because you previously mentioned he feels proud, we don't really need to know he's confident, because it's kind of given from the proud. Again, we don't need the word confident because you mention his straight back, maybe also add that he raises his chin. There, you are showing us he is confident, so we don't really need to be told it afterwards.
One thing you do often is tell us that Aleron is a 'kid' but, you never tell us his age. That means we can't tell if he is actually a kid, or if Sethis is just using it as a figure of speech or something. I know it's a bit hard to throw someone's age into a story naturally, but try and find a way to ease it in there, perhaps in earlier chapters either. If you're really having trouble, maybe a good friend called Google can give you some ideas.
Also, the plague city sounds horrible. It was strange to come across a seemingly well girl so quickly though. It would be awesome to have a really close up and detailed description of one of the dead bodies, maybe because Aleron is inspecting it or something. Don't be afraid to dig in and be really gruesome, because then we really get to experience the horror of the plague ourselves as readers, and we can also fear it a bit, as we rightly should.
I don't have anything more to say! I am going to keep reading, and you should keep up the quality writing. What I like most about your chapters and how they seem so realistic in the way they act and talk.
Deanie x
Finally, working on the novel. Your reviews help endlessly!
Alchy! Here I am again!
Main Points
I would recommend against using the words "spit out" here, seeing as any terminology associated with spitting is usually quite negative, which doesn't really fit with the situation here.
Oh my goodness that's so adorable! He gave Sethis a nickname :3
This doesn't make comlpete sense as it's written. Maybe try: "Alreon frowned as he argued"?
An evil laughter from who? I'm assuming it's the flame but I'm not too sure. It would be nice if you could make it a little clearer.
Alrighty! So,I think that you have some good character development going on here. I like Aleron, especially in the first chapter where we can see his wonder, and sort of the way he looks at the world with wide open eyes. I like Sethis, he reminds me a bit of Brom from Eragon. I like flame even more. Like Noelle said, Flame is great for diffusing tension and providing a comic relief in the story.
You've got me intrigued about your world, I'm curious as to why everything is so bad and deteriorating. I think you've set up the whole thing very well and created a great sense of intrigue. Don't feel rushed to let out too much, it's better to solidly lay your foundations rather than erratically info dumping at us or fitting info into weird places.
The whole thing with the girl is really a "wait and see" for me. As you said to Confused, it does run the risk of being cheesy, so just take care of how you handle it. Right now though I'm just really curious as to where this story is going to go. I'm really enjoying it!
Keep up the great work and happy writing!
Silverlock
Ehh, reading "Alchy" makes me giggle every time. xDDD
Thanks for the clarity nitpicks, and also really good advices and feedback. I can't wait to have some time to sit and be able to finally edit this while following all the reviews..
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
A quick nitpick:
You should probably say 'carry' instead of 'wear'. When I first read this I imagined Aleron actually wearing the lantern like it was some kind of clothing. Just something you could clear up.
You should switch the words in this dialogue tag. The 'he said' should come first, then follow it with the 'with watery eyes'. It sounds awkward the way it is now.
I think it's quite sweet what Sethis had to say to Aleron about his brother and father. Despite it being a short scene, it really shows some good character interaction and development. I mean, Aleron just met Sethis and he's unloading all his problems onto him. And Sethis is taking it all in and trying to help Aleron feel better. I find it quite interesting that the two of them have such a close relationship despite only knowing each other for such a short time.
Flame is a character full of quirks. I took a creative writing course my first year of college and one thing the professor said has stuck with me until this day: always give your character a quirk. A quirk could be something simple like the fact that they're scared of spiders. Or maybe something more complicated that they're quite brave until they're faced with death, then they collapse. Flame's quirk is that he is sarcastic, which I love! He always diffuses the tension whenever he speaks and really lightens up the conversations. Sometimes I feel like Aleron and Sethis talk too formally and only talk about information. But then Flame speaks and gives us something else to read and think about. He's like the comic relief.
Oh no, Aleron is going to regret saving this girl, isn't he? I was so proud of him for stepping up and standing up to Sethis. He wanted to help the girl and he wasn't going to take no for an answer. But then Sethis told him about what the girl was going to do to him in the future and it just deflated all the good feelings. Way to go Sethis! It's quite good character development though, that Aleron stood up to Sethis and saved the girl anyway. Up to this point he has seemed to only do things that Sethis tells him to. This is the first time that he's really convinced Sethis to let him do what he thought was right. I like that about him.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey again! Thanks for your awesome reviews and for spending your time with this.
Yeah...carry. I will need to be carefull with picking my words. You give me some great advices here and again comments on the plot and characterisation, thanks, once again, it helps me to see how people reading will understand the story.
And... well so far I have no idea what will happen in the future, will he regret it to be precise. I'm more certain about what happened in the past... ahh it will find its place in th story, eventually. xD
Hey! You never told me you posted another chapter!
Never mind. So, yeah I read it and it's pretty good. But you know somehow this "girl gonna kill you" thing feels a bit too early to me. But maybe there's a reason behind this that I don't see right now.
Sethis is really intriguing to me here. How does he know that this girl is dangerous? I definitely wanna know that.
There's at least five typos in there but I'm not gonna quote them cause if you read it out yourself you might be able to make the whole thing better.
That's that I guess.
Yoi jōtai o iji suru!
Hontou de arigatou!!!
Thanks for reveiwing! I promise I will tell you next time, somewhy I forgot to shoutout for this one..xD
I know what do you mean. Actually, it is somewhat important that it is said right there in the story, but I did have a feeling its a bit cheesy. I might add up few more lines of conversation to clear it up.
Yeah, Sethis is supposed to look intriguing, though I'm not trying to make him too much of a mysterious character.
Will read and edit, thanks!
Glad that you read it, thanks for review!
HEY DN'T MENTION IT