Hi there, this is stll a draftdraft, it still needs character developement and prossibly some re-reads/cleanup. Feel free to give any feedback you feel like.
Just a few moments ago, Aleron was completely broken. Now, he felt determined as never before. He now knew why Sethis had shown him the madman in a coat of human skin. Not only the land was suffering, not only the people were suffering, but they were also choosing so on their own behalf. Not only people choose to suffer, but they bring pain to others too.
“Why was he wearing that”, Aleron whispered, following the slender man.
“Havindir had gone insane. Few months ago, a plague spread through his town, but he didn’t react fast enough. There are medics who can certainly cure this. What he thought is that it might disappear on its own… but it didn’t. Havindir then ordered his soldiers to get rid of the contaminated people, but they refused to. Finally, he was left with a dozen of guards at his command. He killed those who opposed him. All the killing had released the darkness, insanity long ago placed within him. He started hunting humans of his own town at nights.”
Aleron ran next to Sethis while he was still talking. This burst of information surprised him greatly, since not long ago Sethis seemed empty and careless. His face was still motionless, nevertheless.
“But it seemed like he was waiting for you”, Aleron remembered. So, you’ve come for me. These were his exact words, they laughed in his mind.
“By now, I had killed three lords”, Sethis said. It did not echo through the empty streets. Just where is everyone?
“That’s how he probably concluded that he was on the list. And he wasn’t wrong.”
“What did the others do?” Aleron was curious to ask. He felt some creeping from behind, out of the wide open castle gate. He couldn’t help but turn behind numerous times, just to see the empty road.
“Nothing as bad.”
By the position of the moon, Aleron was certain that the midnight would come in a few hours. They were already going for the southern gate, and Aleron was tired. He wondered how long will they have to walk.
“Where is everyone?” he finally gathered the courage to ask. It was strange how Flame haven’t appeared back again.
“I sent them away. It is a magic quite similar to what I did with the guards, but much weaker, since it covers a huge area.”
Was magic really that powerful? Aleron had never imagined what could he do with it, once he gets to learn it.
“Well”, something made him ask, “aren’t we going to help them? You said you can cure Arin, didn’t you?”
Deep inside he already knew the answer. They were heading for the gates, and the innkeeper was also told to abandon the city.
“Helping them all is beyond my power. It is too late for this town”, carelessly Sethis said.
“But we can’t just leave them!” Aleron continued. “Maybe you should at least try!”
“Listen”, the man before him stopped in place. “We can spend the year here curing the people and most of them will still die. Or we can go somewhere else and prevent this from happening.” Sethis looked him over the shoulder. His eyes reeked with grief now, but his voice cold, as always. Aleron wanted to yell on him, to make him stay but he knew he was right.
“Who am I?” it was yet another thought that rambled over his thoughts all of this time. He asked him while they were getting closer to the south gate. The guards on duty were all in deep sleep.
The gate opened before them, on its own. “It is a story for another time”, he replied shortly after.
Just outside four people on the back of horses awaited them. This image seemed familiar to Aleron, though he was certain he had seen nothing similar so far.
Tommis had brought two more horses for him and Sethis.
“You are early”, Sethis declared.
“You too”, was the innkeeper’s answer.
“How rude of you to make us leave our town, Sethis!” one of the women, most likely Mary shouted out. Her arms were crossed as she was pouting, looking away from Tommis. She probably wasn’t eager to accept what Sethis had told to her husband.
“It is for the best, Mary.”
“I told you so”, Tommis whispered, and Mary gave him an angry look.
The girl who was probably their daughter sat in her horse with a straight back. Her riding outfit fitted her perfectly, as she was very slender. She was also beautiful, with her curly hair, but Aleron couldn’t distinguish anything more in the moonlight alone. She wasn’t older than sixteen.
Arin was also on the back of a horse, but she seemed uncomfortable. Her sight was aimed down to the ground; she avoided meeting her eyes with Aleron. Mary had found her an suitable riding dress too.
“Thank you, but we won’t need horses”, Sethis said while walking towards them.
“Maybe we should take this girl with us. She is not someone to wander across the world, Sethis”, Mary sounded concerned.
“It is a good idea”, he answered. Just as about when Aleron would protest, he continued, “but it is not possible. I still need to heal her from the plague.”
Aleron felt ease. Actually, he realized how selfish was for him to wish Arin to stay around. Life inside a city walls would surely be better for her. On the other hand, she had already lived within the safety of walls…
“Get off the horse”, Sethis ordered to Arin. She nodded her sight still set on the ground. Aleron could see her cheeks were all red.
“Let the girl keep her horse. She is too weak to walk”, Tommis said when his wife pinched his arm.
“As you wish”, Sethis answered. “Ride swiftly, and you will reach Hevenor in three days.”
Tommis nodded in acknowledgment. He tied the reins of the two horses to his.
“See you in Hevenor, Sethis. You will always have a shelter in my home”, he said, and the family rode away.
“We should get moving too”, he looked Aleron, giving him the Flame again. Actually, horse seemed somewhat uneasy next to him, so Aleron decided to carry him few steps afar.
Soon they left the city walls far behind.
“Thank you for doing this”, with fragile voice Arin said to them.
“It is all thanks to Aleron”, Sethis answered soon enough. No one spoke for quite some time. Too much had happened for all of them.
“Huh, we finally left that damned place”, the familiar voice had returned.
Arin gasped in surprise, her eyes pointed at the lantern. Her frightened eyes met Aleron’s, and he smiled in return.
“Don’t worry. His name is Flame, he is the spirit of the mountain!” he wanted to explain to her.
“Volcano, kid”, the spirit was as nervous as usual.
“Don’t be afraid”, he told her once again. That didn’t erase her gaze. “He is our friend. And Sethis is a wizard!”
Aleron was sure Sethis was smiling. Why did he always try so hard to be mysterious?
“I…I’ve never seen such a thing”, Arin finally whispered. It seemed like she thought that he was kidding about Sethis.
“Of course you didn’t. All of my friends are slumbering in the warmth of their mountains…”
“Ha! You said mountain!” Aleron interrupted him, smiled.
“Damn you kid”, Flame spitted. This made Arin smile feebly.
“Allright!”, Sethis broke their conversation. “We shall rest nearby.” They left the road for the small hill a little bit off away. Behind it, there was a campfire set, with the half-burnt wood. It was to be his second night under the stars.
With Sethis, so much have happened in just two days. Now that he was thinking about it, this was the farthest place he have ever been away from home. He was once in Grimstone, but never anywhere beyond. He knew the Havenor was a giant, beautiful city. He once heard from the boys that there is a sun burning in the sky above it, both day and night. Many times he dreamt about wisiting this place, and he was sure he once would. Aleron actually planned on running away as soon as he would grow up a little bit. Every few months an adventurer would end up in their village to rest. He would sometimes sneak in to listen to the stories he was telling to the older kids; he was never allowed to listen with them.
“Put me near the logs”, Flame commanded to him. Aleron moved the rod with both hands and placed it above the burnt pieces of wood. The strange feeling pulsed through his body and the fire was lit. He has to use my body to act on his own.
Aleron looked down upon the rod he was holding. The dancing shadows reminded him of something rather familiar… the black matter blending with it, sucked out of the lord’s body. He didn’t realize how heavily was he breathing when he dropped it to the ground.
“Ouch!”, Flame cried.
“Is everything allright?” Sethis asked him. He gave him a strange stare, but he certainly knew what just happened.
“Yes…yes”, Aleron sloppily answered. He crouched to pick the rod back up. “I’m sorry, Flame”, he apologized.
They were all tired and ready to sleep. Sethis didn’t seem concerned enough to tie down the horse. Arin laid down to the ground, without a word.
Aleron wished he could train, but the fatigue was overwhelming now. He placed the flame down, carefully, and found himself and rock that looked comfortable. Can rock be comfortable? He thought it was time to find out, as his eyes were closing.
End of chapter
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Hey there Alchemist!
This seemed like a connecting chapter to me, where we are going to travel between the two phases of your story. So, from the murdering of the Lord to whatever is going to come next. We get to see how towns are too far along with the plague to be healed, and the reasoning for the Lord going mad, which seems acceptable. Imagine knowing you had the power to save all these people, but you never used it so now they are all dying? I think the weight of this is enough to drive anyone crazy. I am also hoping to see more of Arin now that she is going to constantly be amongst the group.
You wanted us to comment on character development, so I am going to say what is good and bad there. I think you've done an awesome job with Sethis so far. I mean, we get to see him be kind and gentle and encouraging when dealing with Aleron, but then also hard and tough when need be. He has magic. But we still have a lot of things we don't know about him. Where did he come from? Why was he in the sea? It has already been said that no one ever comes from the sea, but the explanation as to why he did, and why he knew Aleron's name specifically has been brushed over. I want to know a bit of his past, and why he was looking for Aleron anyway!
Aleron is a great character. A person who has suffered pain in his old life when he lived in the village, and was an excited and ready to go man when he met Sethis. But now he has seen the horror of the Lord and also has the care of trying to look after Arin. He's growing up and maturing, and you've managed to show this wonderfully. Not a thing I could ask for there.
As for Arin, we haven't seen much of her at all yet. Because of this, we haven't had much time for character development at all. But in the coming chapters I would really like to see a lot more of her if she is going to be one of the main characters. I feel like we don't really know her yet.
This is a question, so don't forget that it needs a question mark at the end, not a comma! This needs to be done whether the question is inside or outside of the dialogue. Also, when you do use a comma, make sure it is inside the speech marks. This is a little mistake you've made a few times in the chapter. But don't worry, it's easily fixed
In my opinion, this doesn't seem like a plausible reason. If there is a cure, people always immediately go and use it. Saying it would go away on it's own is not a good enough reason, unless there was just a single person who was a test subject and they wanted to know how the plague might play out on the body. Otherwise, all the other people would've rebelled or done something to get that cure. It wouldn't make sense for the Lord, when sane, to just not use it. Who would do that?
This doesn't work as a reason... unless you have the Lord already crazy, and because of this craziness he doesn't use the cure. That is something I could believe instead. As to why he is crazy, maybe it's something personal and closer to his heart. Maybe he had a mother or something that had the plague but died before he could give her the cure, and then he thought, if he couldn't save those he loved with the cure, no one should have it. Or something similar... Those are all reasons I could believe!
Sometimes you do this right, and sometimes you don't. Remember to put that space after the three dot's so you aren't connecting the two words. Just a quick scan through and you can easily eradicate all the tiny mistakes
Don't stop the thought there! I would rather this didn't trail off and you mentioned how living in the city walls didn't exactly offer any safety anymore. Seeing as she was living there and still managed to get infected by the plague. So yeah, just continue that through to make sure all the readers grasp the message you're trying to bring across there.
I feel like I've done enough talking about this chapter alone. This was very good :3 I only have one more part to read and then I am all caught up! I can't wait to go read it, so I best do that now.
Deanie x
Alchy! Silver is back to review another of your wonderful chapters!
Main Points
A recurring problem that I've noticed within your works is the mixing up of "have" and "had". Remember, that if an action is fully done and completed, you use "had" or "hadn't".
Haha! That made me laugh! Flame is awesome!
0.0 You're killing me! I had no idea you were this funny!
He had once been in Gristone I'm pointing this out to you as a reference for future edits.
I just wanted to point out to you that you have wonderful descriptions and I never find it too difficult to picture what is going on, or where I am. I also think you continue to develop your characters very nicely as the story goes on. Arin is also starting to take shape too, as a shy and timid little thing. So far the story has been really interesting and I'm enjoying following it alot. I would just urge you to do a good edit of these before you post it so that we can read the story in it's best form possible. Sometimes a typo or the wrong word can really disrupt flow and smoothness. Other than that, keep up the good work! Happy writing!
Silverlock
Hey Silver (I really suck at nicknaming, damn, lets just keep it like this
), lets just conclude with my thankfulness. xD
I hope I will be able to return this awesome help you gave to me with this novel, thanks! <3
Hey, congrats on the new chapter! Okay so I'll be as short as I can. There are some minor typos but some majof grammatical mistakes. You might wanna fix them. Other than that it was good. Arin's behaviour was someyhong you could've elaborated on. And try not making Aleron's thoughts do disconnected. The first paragragh was sort of confusing. Other than that I think it was awesome. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for reading it, and these few (but I see them as really essential) advices!
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I think you're doing a great job with your character development so far! I will, however, look out for anything I think you can improve upon in that category
I have a suggestion for you. You can take it any way you want to. I think you should change Arin's name. It'll get a bit confusing later on when you're talking about both Aleron and Arin at the same time, especially since this is in first person. Their names both start with A and have a lot of the same letters. Sometimes that gets confusing for the reader. So if there's another name you could give Arin, or even Aleron really, that would be nice to work out.
Overall you've got another good chapter here. I know that I haven't really commented on the plot yet so I'm going to in this review. I can follow this story quite easily. It's really cool how Aleron is getting to go on this adventure with Sethis, especially since he wasn't all that included at home. You do a good job linking each chapter to the other as well. There are no huge time jumps and I can easily follow what is going on.
Your descriptions are good as well. There aren't many of them honestly, but there's enough for us to get a clear picture. I have a good idea what the area looks like and what everything is like around them. I do think that you could have a few more descriptions though. If you can fit them in that is. The more description the better! Especially since this is a world different from the one we live in. I'm really curious as to what everything looks like and what people do in this world and what they look like.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**