Cursed world: Chapter two (II)

by Alchemist

Published June 10, 2014

18+ Language

In Cursed world

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Word count:2637

The girl struggled to walk, even while Aleron was supporting her. It seemed like her ankle was wounded. He really didn’t want her to suffer, and hearing her painful cries each step made him feel like being struck in the chest.

Aleron stopped in place and inhaled deeply. “Can you hold this for me?” he asked the girl, giving her Flame. He appreciated that Flame said nothing, even though the lantern swung like crazy. It would be hard to explain to this girl about him, and he wouldn’t like to have her scared. Now that he thought, he didn’t know much about Flame either. He wasn’t really afraid when he first saw him, rather confused and shocked. Who would have expected the talking fire?

When she picked up the rod, Aleron had lifted her up. The girl sighed out of surprise, and he could feel blood pouring into his cheeks, but he felt he had to do it. Sethis didn’t stop to wait for them, so he had to walk faster to catch on him.

“T-thank you”, the girl said, her voice feeling weak and fragile. He thought that she might crash into pieces if he would drop her now, so he tightened his grasp.

“Hurry. We shall enter an inn from the backside.” Sethis almost yelled, few feet away. He followed him through the dozens of winding passages. After yet another turn, when his hands started to tremble, there were no more people around, and they finally reached the doorway. He wasn’t sure if he could hold her any longer, as his muscles were becoming numb and Flame’s rod was pinching his side badly. But it was all worth it when she leaned her head on his shoulder.

“Come in”, Sethis opened the door for them. That was his way to show he cared. He was sometimes cold and cruel, but Aleron was fast to catch on these little things Sethis would rarely do. It was much different than when he was home. It was only his brother who would sometimes be kind to him, but when he grew up enough even it stopped, due to his obligations. As the time was flowing away, Aleron felt the hatred consuming his brother too. Why did everyone despise him? He wasn’t mean to anyone. With Sethis, it felt so much different.

He brought her in, and finally let her stand, still helping her though. The first thing he saw was a big man with a large beer belly, but in shiny, white uniform. He had long mustache, which were half grey. He watched them enter with surprise, but then he focused on Sethis.

“This is the first time you bring orphans with you”, the innkeeper was annoyed. He approached slowly, but as soon as she observed this girl a little bit better, he backed off.

“She is contaminated! You brought me kid with a plague?” he was furious. It seemed as if he was ready to fight, just to keep her out, but he avoided meeting eyes with Sethis.

“Don’t worry. She won’t spread it to anyone. Actually, I had already started healing her.” Sethis was calm and calculated. Aleron wondered if he was using magic to persuade the innkeeper too.

“What am I supposed to do with these two?” large man smirked, scanning Aleron. “This one is healthy boy. He could help me in the inn for tonight, I’ve got a lot of people in. Those who are not contaminated are too afraid to go out. They might stay in the town for quite a long time.”

“Won’t do”, Sethis disagreed. “I need him with me. On the other hand, ask Mary to take care of the girl. Give her some hot bath, the best meal and my room.”

“Not only you won’t give me the boy, but you take additional staff?” he protested at first. He touched his chin, thinking, but then he nodded. To Aleron, it didn’t seem as if he had any other option. “For how long are you staying?”

“Actually”, Sethis was fast to answer, “I also want you to bring her out of the town at the midnight. I suggest you to bring Mary and Joavel with you too, this city will be done with soon enough.”

“What?” fat man gasped. “I’m sure Lord Havindir will deal with this plague soon…”

“Tommis”, Sethis said. “Havindir is a fool and incapable of doing anything. Besides, in the past few months, he had gone completely insane. I will have to get rid of him tonight.”

Tommis wiped the sweat off his forehead and shook his head, his eyes closed. He put his arm on a table beside him; he seemed like he would crash if he didn’t.

“So…what am I supposed to do?” the man said in desperation.

“I think I left you enough gold the last time I was here, Tommis”, Sethis scolded him. “Go to the Hevenor, and start your life over again there. It is the only place I can guarantee will be safe for a longer time. You could go to Lasern too, but it might be endangered soon.”

“Sethis…” Tommis was still closing his eyes, tightly, “how have we ruined the world this much? Have the gods forgotten us truly?”

“The gods have left this place long ago. It is up to us to grasp to the roots and save what can be saved. Now, better do as I’ve told you.”

Aleron watched the conversation carefully, and the girl was amazed too. But she was shaking was getting worse with every second passing. “Can you take care of her now, gramps?” he asked Tommis. He took over the Flame from her. Holding him was somehow soothing for him, Aleron wondered if it felt the same to the girl.

“Sure…sure. We will wait you at the southern gate at midnight. Go now.” Tommis rambled, going around in circles.

I will have to get rid of the lord tonight. Sethis’s words echoed through his mind. From his toes to his hair, he was trembling out of excitement. That lord must have been a really bad guy. Aleron often heard the elders calling lords “greedy, blind, and stupid bastards”. Why would this man be any different?

“What’s your name?” Aleron managed to ask the girl when Tommis took her from his grasp. “I’m Aleron!” with a broad smile he told her.

“Um”, she was hesitating, “Arin”, she whispered back. Sethis grabbed him to the collar and pulled back through the backdoor; both being pulled away, they shyly smiled to each other, before they disappeared out of sight.

“Hey stop!” Aleron told to Sethis.”I can walk for myself”, his voice was stubborn. He placed the lantern over his shoulder once again.

Laughter broke out from back there. “Have you seen him, Sethis? That girl melted him. She will certainly do no good to him.”

Sethis giggled, but Aleron couldn’t see his face. It must’ve been fun; the grown-up man giggling. The Flame too surprised him. He was never friendly towards Sethis, so why was this opportunity an exception? Weren’t these two enemies? But now they chatted like two drunk’s in the tavern. Aleron’s head spun around in confusion.

“Why did you say all the bad things when I asked to save her?” Aleron had looked down, following Sethis.

“There are very few things in this world that are certain. But when I see them, I can read them clearly. They are written in the wind and the stone equally.” Sethis spoke high. Aleron could not find an answer to him. But not for a moment he did regret saving Arin.

“Where are we going now?” Aleron asked, when the walk became pointless. The twilight was getting closer; sun was near the western horizon already. Aleron felt strange in this anticipation. He was going to be a part of something, for the first time, and it felt good, even though he will only be there to watch.

They actually spent a few hours wandering around the town. It was for Aleron to see the despair of this world, Sethis had told him. It was for him to see why they will have to kill a man today. That lord let the illness spread, and he was doing nothing to cure it, even though he could. But he was still controlling the guards, and was doing as he pleases. Aleron somehow felt as if there was another reason that Sethis avoided telling him. Guess he was to see for himself soon enough.

They passed through the market, where Sethis bought him a black satchel, which he wore over his shoulder, in a diagonal. Sethis actually put something inside already, but told him he wasn’t to look inside yet. It was nothing really important, he told him. Aleron was happy: the bag looked really cool with all the shiny metal parts. And it was first time someone gifted him anything. He decided that he would gift something to Arin, as soon as he would be able to.

“It’s time to go. The castle is leaned to the city walls in the north”, Sethis declared and led the way. “It is time for you to give me back the Flame now.”

Aleron nodded and gave him the black rod back. It was nice holding the Flame, as if he could feel his power. But it seemed to him that what happened during the training was really Flame’s doing alone, since nothing similar happened so far.

Sethis swung the rod, but in such a manner that the lantern didn’t move a bit. Aleron almost forgot the way Sethis looked while carrying a Flame. He was different… somehow, he felt complete. Aleron thought that he reminded him of a giant.

“Let’s go!” Sethis encouraged Aleron. These confident words made him straighten his back a little, even though he didn’t really want to. The wind blew into their face recklessly while they were approaching the castle. Since the night has already fallen, the streets had emptied; it was still somewhat strange, Aleron wondered where have all the people gone.

The gate to the castle was large and wide open. Ir really wasn't very large castle; it was a three storey stone building, but still the highest one in the town. Aleron thought it was weird that there were no guards around.

They were actually waiting inside the hallway, down on the ground. They were knocked out somehow, and Aleron was sure it was Sethis who did it. He looked up to him but Sethis gave no hints back; he decided to slow his pace a little bit and keep himself behind. After all, he was here just to observe his magic.

He followed him through the dark hallway. No wall candles and torches were lit, so the guards must have been down for some time now.

They stopped before the large two-winged door. Sethis lifted his free arm, and with a crash, both wings opened to the inside.

It was only moonlight that shined upon the room. He could still see a man sitting on a chair in the middle of it. There was a desk placed below the window, with a quill, papers and ink.

“So, you’ve come for me”, reached them from inside the darkness. His voice was one of a man in his forties. It was impossible to distinguish anything concerning hm, except that he wore a long coat, with a broad collar and a hood.

A thread of heat and light left the lantern and started crawling over the walls and ceiling. It wasn’t shiny enough to light the room, but soon the candles were lit, one by one.

The man was finally revealed. Aleron’s eyes widened in disbelief, his stomach reacted, and he puked. He fell to the knees, refusing to look Havindir again. Sethis stood still, as if he didn’t care at all.

Lord’s coat was made of a human skin. They were sewed together: hands to legs, cut over randomly and the hood was made of a skinned human face. He looked them like a madman, smiling broadly. He was completely naked down under.

“It was not smart to have a kid here with you!” he managed to say. Suddenly his face became serious and the two swords flashed from inside of his disgusting coat. He rushed towards Aleron, who was down on his knees, his tears running into the carpet. He just couldn’t look up.

The rod was swung and it stopped the blades just before they struck the boy’s back. The lord growled, swinging the blade in his left arm towards the Sethis’s head, but he stopped it with his free hand. Somehow, he managed to catch a sword with his palm alone, without a drop of blood spilled out.

Lord Havindir backed off, frowning at them. Aleron managed to look: his eyes were inhuman, his face and his motions, they certainly belonged to some beast. Lord looked at his blade, which was dulled by Sethis, somehow.

“Damn you!” he yelled, and threw the sword away.

“Die, Lord Havindir. Your human night hunt is over today”, this seemed like a judgment to Aleron. No feeling ever wandered across Sethis’s face, as he was getting ready to kill the lord.

“Just who are you?” Havindir hissed at him. He still held onto his second sword, but something suggested he didn’t really hope to oppose Sethis successfully.

“Since these are your last words, I have no other option but to answer to you”, Sethis coldly declared. “I’m the one to clear the mess you’ve made, stupid man.”

Lord Havindir rose his empty hand and pointed his finger, but before he managed to say anything, Sethis moved. Acutally, he was so fast that he almost disappeared before him. In a blink of an eye, he was standing beside the lord, his black rod stuck into his chest. No blood ever burst out; instead, it seemed as if it was sucking out some dense, black matter. It crawled upon the rod and and became one with it.

“What’s happening…” Aleron cried helplessly. “Stop it, it is enough!” he yelled. Havindir was flexing in pain, as his body was being dried up. His arms and legs were cramping weirdly. He wasn’t even standing on his own, it was Sethis who held him with the rod.

“Stop!” Aleron yelled, tears running down his face. “Don’t make him suffer!” He stood up and ran to Sethis. He didn’t say anything, actually, he didn’t even turn to look Aleron in the eyes. He lifted his arm and caught Aleron’s head, stopping him in place.

“This is the only way the world can be saved. I will suck out the darkness out of each and every human, Aleron.”

The rod finally released dried-up body, and it fell to the ground. Together with it, Aleron crashed to his knees, his face tearful and his eyes shut.

“There is no other way.” Sethis said from above him. He turned around towards the exit. “Too much time had passed, we must go now.”

Aleron opened his eyes. The moon outside had moved significantly. Could it be that they were here for few hours? It all seemed like a second to him.

He wiped his tears away. Somehow, he found strength to look the lord. Old, withered body lied there in its coat made of human skin. Maybe Sethis was right. Maybe there was no better way but to kill them all.

With these thoughts, he stood up and followed Sethis. His teacher gave strong, different feeling. He was conserved, but Aleron could feel his sadness. Sadness for this world as it is, and for what he had to do.

Aleron wiped the last tear away, which flowed for his master who wouldn’t shed no tears. He completely filled the shadow of a man before him, cast down by the moonlight.

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Jul 6, 2014

Hey there Alchemist! It's me again :3

Whoa. I think this has to be my favourite chapter so far! It was dark and daring, what with the Lord causing trouble. Then you also had Sethis working his business, being cold and emotionless and hard, just trying to get his job done. And lastly, there is Aleron: confused, disgusted and lost. The emotion in this chapter was evident, and I could definitely feel it myself. I could imagine the Lord in his human clothing and also the castle and what it must've looked like. Adopting this story is difficult, because it's so well written and developed already! I have next to nothing but nitpicks to cover here xD

He had long mustache, which were half grey.


You missed out the word 'a' between had and long, and also the were should really be a 'was' instead.

“She is contaminated! You brought me kid with a plague?”


This makes me wonder why Aleron didn't think of this before? He didn't know Sethis had been working his magic on the girl, and he could've caught the plague the moment he touched her, let alone picked her up. But, in the moment he didn't even think twice about it, which doesn't seem to realistic. Yes, he does want to help the girl, but he'd be no use to her if he was dying too. So maybe before he picks her up or touches her to help her along, Aleron looks for a blanket of some sort or something to keep his skin from hers. (That is, if the plague is spread by touch. It could be in the air or some other way. Like the corrosive sea and other things that the world has done to damage itself, I feel like the plague needs a bit more explanation. Where did it come from? How did it start? Why? How does the Lord know how to solve it?)

A small not is that you call write Lord with a lowercase 'l' sometimes, when really it should always be with a capital letter, because it's a title and not necessarily the beast's name. So, just make sure you edit this and insert capitals.

“So…what am I supposed to do?”


No! You were doing so well in previous chapters to avoid this problem! Make sure you have a space after the three dots. If you don't, then you're connecting the two words and that doesn't make sense, technically. That all important space needs to be there! You've done this a few times in the chapter, so make sure you correct all of them. If this happens at the end of dialogue, it doesn't matter though. That's one exception to the rule. So:

Not like...this
But... like this.

with a broad smile he told her.


This is just a smoother way of saying the same thing. I suggest you flip the sentence a bit. Like: he told her with a broad smile.

Since the night has already fallen, the streets had emptied; it was still somewhat strange, Aleron wondered where have all the people gone.


This seems to be a bit of a weird sentence. The semi colon doesn't really cut it for me, and then you have a comma splice in there as well. I've rewritten the same line and switched up the sentence and punctuation a bit to make it make sense. Here's my version, can you see the changes?

Since the night has already fallen, the streets had emptied. Aleron wondered where all the people had gone, and found it somewhat strange.

The gate to the castle was large and wide open. Ir really wasn't very large castle; it was a three storey stone building, but still the highest one in the town.


Typo! *it

Also, you say the castle is very large and wide in the first sentence, but in the next you mention it wasn't a large castle? I think you mean was instead of wasn't. Also, in the end part of the last sentence, I would change the 'but' before the comma into an 'and' instead, so it runs better.

That's all I have for you! These chapters just keep getting better and better as they go on and on. The detail has increased, as has the plot and I can't wait to see where your going to take this. The best way for me to do that would be by reading on :P

Image

Deanie x

User avatar
Snowery
Review
Snowery wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Alchy, my bro! What's up yo? :D

Main Points

The girl sighed out of surprise,


I would actually use "gasped" rather than "sighed". Gasped is used more for shock or surprise, whereas sighed is more of a releasing action indicating relief, frustration or pleasure.

large man smirked,


This is a personal opinion but I don't feel that "smirk" fits in here very well. It seems a little out of place.

They are written in the wind and the stone equally.


Wow, I really loved that. You're writing is wonderful :)

which he wore over his shoulder, in a diagonal.


To avoid over wordiness, you could condense this to:

which he wore diagonally over his shoulder.

He could still see a man sitting on a chair in the middle of it.


This was really abrupt. They opened the door and found him sitting there? When you go to someones house and open their front door, you don't see their sitting room, or study straight away, you usually have to walk around the house a bit first.

Okay, so I'm really loving your story. There is an honesty to your writing that I really appreciate, like you write what you really feel. I love the way you've written Aleron, he really does feel like a young boy (how old you should really tell us soon, or at least give us a rough idea), and the way you made him excited over small things like getting a new bag.

I really like the premise and the direction you've taken this story and am looking forward to reading more. I just want to say, be a little more wary of your word selection. Sometimes through your chapter I can find places where you can replace the current word with a better or stronger one, that can convey your message better or read clearer. :)

Keep up the awesome work and happy writing! :) :)

Silverlock

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

Sethis giggled, but Aleron couldn’t see his face.

When I read that someone giggled, I imagine a little girl laughing to her friend. I'm pretty sure that's not how you wanted that to come across ;) I'd suggest changing that to 'chuckled'. Sethis seems like a man who would chuckle.

Oh gosh, Lord Havindir really is crazy, isn't he? A coat made of human skin??!! Ick. I thought that he'd just be an old, tired man who didn't really have the time or the skills to defeat that plague and save his people. But what I found was much different than that. I like it. It definitely had me surprised.

You continue to develop Aleron in this chapter. I had thought maybe he only saved that girl back there because he thought that she was cute. Now, however, I can tell that he really is a kind and caring person. I mean, he saw the coat made of human skin and he still felt bad for the lord as he died. Quite a caring heart he's got there.

Oh, we get to see a different side of Sethis here, don't we? The first time he was introduced, I'm referring to chapter 1 here, he was a light hearted fellow who was excited to have Aleron as his apprentice. Now he seems like a cold blooded hero who feels the need to save everyone from the forces of evil. And he doesn't even feel guilt when he kills. It's quite interesting to see that from him.

There were a lot of typos and missing words in this chapter, but I didn't want to point all of them out. I know that you really want reviews focused on characters and plot so I'm going to keep that up with my reviews. If you want any help pointing out the grammar and other mistakes though shoot me a PM and let me know. I'll be happy to help you out :)

Onto the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

ConfusedGlasses wrote a review Review · Jun 11, 2014

Hi there! Confused for a review!
This is a very interesting piece. I like it. I like how it tells us so much about the world they live in. Its not much but its enough for now.
Your writing seems to have improved by a notch out of the blue. Or maybe that's just because of the kind of scene you wrote. But I strongly suggest you to reread and rephrase some parts. Its good but a little editing will make it better.
By the way, the feathery things that people used to write with are called quills. just thought you'd want to know. And the way you kept saying 'Lord' over and over again sort of sounds off. might want to say Lord Havindir instead. Or maybe just "the lord".
There's a lot of typos in there. take some time to fix it 'kay?
ConfusedGlasses signinng off!

Hi, thanks for review!

Quill, well I didn't know that, thank you a lot. :) yes I know there are numerous typos here, I noticed it after I posted but had no time to edit it, but thanks for pointing it out. Though I haven't noticed being reperitive with 'lord', but I guess you are right.

Last, I'm really trying to improve with every chapter, so it might be it as well! :)

Thanks for reading!

anything to help you out man!

User avatar
lace182
Review
lace182 wrote a review Review · Jun 10, 2014

I think you have a potentially good story. You need to add more your plot, that is, describe their reasons for doing what they do and acting as they act. Every moment should have reason behind it.

As far as your writing style, my first suggestion is use your verbs better. Instead of -

made him feel like being struck in the chest

use "it felt like a strike to his chest".

This is another example:
he wouldn't like to have her scared
could be a stronger phrase as - "he wouldn't like her scared" or "he didn't want her scared" (Better yet explain why he is scared while in the character's head, use that point of view rather than describing the events. Let him be scared of her getting scared.)

When you have a person talk and want to show their emotion you usually need to give description of their tone or facial expression. This comment by Sethis doesn't seem cold or unusual. If you want it cold you should give us more of a visual so we can see his emotion or lack of it.
“Come in”, Sethis opened the door for them. That was his way to show he cared.


That's enough for now. I think you have a good style, plot, and character for a start. Keep working on it!

Hi, and thank you very much for read and review!

You have actually commented on something I'm really, really uncertain about so thank you. It is my writing style, I'm often questioning myself am I good enough(which writer doesn't). It adds up since I'm not native english speaker. You gave me some nice suggestions, I will certainly re-read and rephrase some of the places that are not good enough!

I'm really thankful for the review, it will help! :)

Hi Alchemist, it isn't obvious to me that you are not a native speaker of English in your writing. That said, I wouldn't suppress your native phrasing all of the time. You might even consider using words from your native language. It's always fun to see something I know or look up words and see they really do mean something! I used old Greek in some of my writing. (I have books posted on Fiction Press, the Quirni novels). If the reader looks up the words I have used as slang for my character they do have meaning.
Keep writing. Keep reading. Both help us improve.



Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.
— Jamie Anderson