Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
this is the part where we meet the characters and how they got to the mansion. you may skip this if you like. this section of the story is right before all the action for readers who enjoy a little peace in the story rather than all action. . if you would like, you may skip to the second part, where all the characters get into the action. the second part begins after chapter twenty one. there is an instruction manual in the next part. this part of the story contains: language, sexuality
i opened my eyes. i was no longer talking to that girl. i blinked a few times. it was black and grey. there was a orange light hanging above in the shape of a half sphere. i presumed it to be some sort of lantern or light. i had no time to make sure. there was an unlit lantern right next to the orange light source. i took it, grabbed some matches out of my pocket, and lit it. i always took some handy objects in a bag whenever i went somewhere that was outside of town, including food packets and water. i could hunt, but what if we were stuck inside some building with no way out? this is such situation. i always hid the bag well, even though it was pretty large. i was glad that i had it with me. the villagers always said that i was too cautious, but i suppose not. i took the lantern in hand and looked around the room. where was the girl? more importantly, where was I? was she with me? is she hurt? why do i care? shes just a lowly vampire. an insect to get rid of. but some how, some way, i found myself worrying about her and her well being. i thrust the lantern around. for a moment or two, there was no ending to the blackness in the room. i held the lantern out as far as my arms could reach, my grip firm on the handle. soon, my fingers collided with a wall. so there was an end to this blackness. i turned around ninety degrees to try to get a grip on how big the room was. i kept going in that direction for about thirty seconds before my fingers once again collided with the wall. i turned another ninety degrees and tried with the third wall. i tripped over large bundle, most likely a blanket- no it wasn’t a blanket, it was the girl. i thrust my other hand out before my face could hit the ground. i shook myself and got up. i turned around to get another look at her. she was sleeping again, and now that i was more well rested, i could see her more clearly. she was absolutely beautiful. id request her hand if she weren’t a vampire. id get demoted and maybe even get put into a dungeon. but of coarse, the dungeon part was slim in chance. but id definitely get demoted. and that wouldn’t be good. so id settle for a temporary alliance. i dropped the lamp and sat down Indian style. i gently shook her.
" hey. wake up” i said. her black eyes slowly blinked open.
" mmm…. kitty….. so fluffy…” she gently grabbed my tail and rubbed her face against it. i bit my lip to not shriek as she pulled on it a little. my face turned red and a lewd feeling started to creep in my stomach. i let out a whimper as she grabbed my ears and rubbed her fingers against them. i began to feel weak and my breathing was starting to get heavy. it was taking all the fight in me to not shriek and pull away. instead, i got a hold of myself and said,
" hey, time to wake up” i patted her cheek, hoping to get her to get a grip on reality. she blinked a few times, her eyes bright and clear. she looked at her hands on my ears and froze. her grip on my ears tightened and she pulled harder as realization of what she was doing hit her. i couldn’t hold back any more.
" HAAAAAH M-MRRROWWWWW!” my body jerked upward and shook. she quickly let go. i scooted away from her. far away from her, but i could still see her face. my tail was twitchy and was moving, but it was in awkward shape. it was like go left - twitch, twitch, go up - twitch - go right. my face was red as embarrassment creeped in my stomach and my face grew hot. i put my hands over my ears and squirmed. her eyes literally said the word " cute” as she looked at me, only making me more pouty.
" don’t do that!” i whined. her eyes only glowed more, and a evil smile spread across her face. oh fudge. before she could get me, i ran away as fast as i could, her chasing after me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello again!
I had a skim through the other chapters, but I'm popping back for a super quick review on this one. My other points in respect to capitalisation and grammar still stand, but as I've focused on those in the previous review I'm going to skip over them for this time.
This is a mammoth paragraph and as such is pretty hard to digest. I'd suggest breaking it down into two or three smaller ones.
I'm definitely looking forward to more interaction between these two. The dynamic between them is already interesting and I have the feeling he's met his match with her around!
This is a pretty short chapter, so perhaps when you're editing you could consider where you're making your chapter breaks as they would usually be much longer.
Hope this was helpful!
Icy
I laughed a little at the last line. Chris has to watch out! They’re together, in the House of Blood. They’re probably the first ones to show up. I can’t wait for when the others are going to arrive…I’m really starting to ship Chris and Akira now lol. Chris can’t escape her, but they’ll both have bigger problems to worry about later on in this story.
I hope that you will have a lovely day/night.
you too! thanks!