Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
PART ONE: this is the part where we meet the characters and how they got to the mansion. you may skip this if you like. this section of the story is right before all the action for readers who enjoy a little peace in the story rather than all action. . if you would like, you may skip to the second part, where all the characters get into the action. the second part begins after chapter twenty one. there is an instruction manual in the next part. this part of the story contains: language, sexuality
i sighed. what a boring, unchanging life. what i wouldn’t give to have a little adventure around here. i yawned. i was ready to drop dead into a deep sleep, but there was still more work to do. and the paper work. lets not forget about the damned paperwork. someone knocked on the door to my office.
" come in” i said with a sigh. i had even more paper work to get done. i was not in the mood for a meeting. Inferior Knight Axel came to view.
" sir” he said and raised a hand to salute me. the Inferiors were the lowest of knights. the Superiors were of higher ranking than the Inferiors. and then came the Deity’s, who were even higher than the Superiors. then last but not least, came the highest ranking of all. only one person was in this slot. the Overlord: me. i was the strongest of all the knights. i was the highest ranking. some call me god. others call me the strongest man in the world. i for one, think that my reputation is an overstatement.
" what is it? another criminal? a meeting? or is it more paperwork that you are to deliver?” i stated the usual.
" no sir, i came to tell you that you are to visit the slums. that is the assignment that has been given to you.” i scowled with impatience. i had more paperwork to do.
" what am i, an Inferior!? i cannot be bothered by with this. send an Inferior to do this.” the man shook his head politely, though fear was starting to show in his eyes.
" I’m afraid that it was an order of the King. if i remember correctly, someone told of a vampire among the slums. the teller of the information doesn’t know for a fact if the woman is a vampire, but they said that she never reveals any skin and is extremely secretive. a few of the Superiors and even a Deity or two tried to catch her, but not one of them succeeded. she was too fast for them. so they figured they might as well send you instead. they chose me to send the message. i know just about as much as you do” i nodded. a vampire was problematic, but i still shouldn’t be the one to handle something so lowly. still, if it was order of the King, i must go.
" then i shall be on my way” the Inferior nodded. as he turned to leave, he stepped on my tail. his face turned white. an odd sensation went up my spine, and i suddenly felt very twitchy. and very, very hot.
" MRRRRROWWWWW!!!” i let out a cat like wail at the top of my lungs. i fought the urge to squirm as the Inferior rushed back out, as if i was planning to kill him. i cradled my sore tail, letting out cat like hisses and ” mrrows” along the way, my face red and hot.
i knocked on apartment 3074. no one answered. i barged in on my own account. the rooms didn’t have any keys, and they remained unlocked. as i took a step inside, i stumbled to my knees. how long has it been since i slept…. four days? and i remember having a few slices of bread three days ago…. ive had a few cups of water and coffee since then… why do i feel so….. weak? i straightened myself up and walked inside. the apartment was surprisingly small. i looked around the kitchenette and living room, which was molded into one room. no person. i checked the small bathroom, but still no person. i checked the bedroom next. and there lay a sleeping girl. she was absolutely beautiful. stunning, even. there was just wrong problem: her abnormally pointy canines and her pasty white skin. she was a vampire alright. and an exhausted looking one, at that. her bed… it looked so soft…. even if it was nothing compared to the one i have in my house…. right now, anything looked soft enough to sleep on. i sat on her bed. so, so soft. id take her to the dungeon in a moment. just… let me lie down, just for a little. all i remember is the pillow becoming closer and closer to my face as everything blacked out.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello again, my friend!
So now we get to see the rival of the vampire race in this story. Knights! Cat knights, or were-cat knights, from the sound of it. That's certainly an interesting design choice.
My only criticism would be, again, your grammar as it relates to capitalization, and the unneeded spaces between beginning quotations and the start of the sentence. Likewise, when it comes to the body of this chapter, I feel like you could put a better transition between the knight being in the office and the knight reaching the apartment.
For example, between the knight recovering from his stomped tail and knocking on the apartment door, maybe insert a short paragraph saying something like, "Once I had recovered, I gathered my supplies, checked the address provided in the paperwork, and left." Then, at the start of the next chapter, "after a [short or long] trip, I reached apartment 3074 and started pounding on the door."
It may also be in your interest to break up that last chapter, particularly before and after the point you describe the vampire girl. So, a paragraph for the knight getting in the apartment, another one describing the girl, then another for him passing out.
As this is another introductory chapter, I can understand why you would want it short and snappy like the last one, but it just feels *too* snappy, going straight from an incident in the office to being at the target.
Of course, this was just my opinion, and I'm not a professional.
It was overall another good read, and I hope to read more soon!
Hi Akira!
Icy here for a quick review today! I haven't read the previous chapter to this one, but I'm hoping because we aren't too far through the story that it won't be a huge problem.
I'm not sure if this is a stylistic choice, but usually all I's are capitalised in prose! So it should be I sighed.
That's also the case for the first letter of a new sentence, so what should also be capitalised.
YWS has some good knowledge base articles on how to write speech but essentially you need some punctuation (either a comma or an exclamation mark would work here) before the speech tag. The article I linked explains it in much better detail.
I didn't really understand why our main character is given assignments if he's the highest ranking person in the place until I learned there was also a king. The explanation of the knight's ranking didn't really take that into consideration so I was a bit confused. I'm also surprised he didn't receive the order from the King directly, or at least in the form of a letter - he's just supposed to take the knight's word for it?
The pacing for the event in the apartment was also pretty quick! I think you could slow it down and describe a bit more, so we as the reader really feel like we're there!
I like the premise and I hope to catch more of this soon.
Icy
I love how Chris remarks that his position is “overkill” and yet when he’s sent to go to the slums he IMMEDIATELY wants an Inferior Knight to do it. Chris reminds me of an annoyed cat who doesn’t want to be bothered. He must have succumbed to his cat side in Akira’s apartment. I could be wrong, but I think she might be the kind of person to pull on his tail for fun and not care. I’ll have to see.
I wish you a lovely day/night.
actually, youll see how accurate you are in the later chapters. and yes, your right.
ill post a new chapter by today.
Okay.