Hey there, Alice here to give a review!
MY FIRST THOUGHTS
Looks like quite a story, it was a nice light read! It has been in the green room for a while so I thought I will give a review.
Narration/Plot
Not very sure of the storyline, as I have not read the first chapters but yeah looks like David and Kian are two youngsters who have had quite a rough time that have forced them to live like this.
Dialogues/Formatting
Your dialogue writing seemed natural for the character. Just the formatting needs a little work. There was a little unclearness in this dialogue~
" eh, don’t sound so ashamed about it! it’ll be a hard life for you if you think that you can get through body free!
I hope you can edit it out.
Characters
Hmm the one thing that shined was your characters, they both seemed to be complementing each other. David seems to be like the hard and arrogant one, but I do think he has a reason to be this way and he has created this persona around him to be this 'bad guy' Will like to see his character development!
Overall
A nice story overall, looks like you will be just introducing your characters in the first part. Will like to read more works by you.
~A LIL SUGGESTION~
Your narration had some hecticness, I wish you could think about it. It looks like you didn't care about the grammar part of things at all. Grammar does play a vital role in creative writing. Proper grammar is necessary for credibility, readability, communication, and clarity in your narration. I think you did a lot of mistakes in capitalization, and in punctuating the dialogues.
~Maybe you should put commas between lines where you think there is a pause, it helps the flow of the readers.
I’m a lone shark. always have been. always will be.
try using commas instead of full stops everywhere, this line could have been something like-"I'm a lone shark, always have been, and always will be."
Just edit the grammatical mistakes and it will be fine, no big deal:)
Keep Writing👍
-ALICE^-^
Points: 9791
Reviews: 167
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