z

Young Writers Society


18+

House of Blood: Part One: Chapter Three: the Life of a Deadbeat

by AkiraBaker


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

PART ONE: this is the part where we meet the characters and how they got to the mansion. you may skip this if you like. this section of the story is right before all the action for readers who enjoy a little peace in the story rather than all action. . if you would like, you may skip to the second part, where all the characters get into the action. the second part begins after chapter twenty one. there is an instruction manual in the next part. this part of the story contains: language, sexuality

I’m a lone shark. always have been. always will be. tell me this: they say family is all you need, so why is it that they can never stop you from choking or drowning? i don’t need family. i don’t have friends. all i have are people i use. i steal cash and stuff just to live. i don’t need anyone. i learned on my own damned self how to do it. that’s that. one of the people i use, Kian, came to me. the stupid feline doesn’t even know I’m using him for his kindness.

" i got the money you asked for.” he said boredly, though i saw the guilt behind his eyes. i know that look. he killed someone to get it. the guy should man up. i snatched the ten silver coins from him. he scowled, but said nothing. i was feeling a little generous today, so i tossed him four coins. he clasped them in his hands.

" thank you” he mumbled. our original agreement was that he gets half of the profit, but for some reason he let me ignore the fact. sometimes i might pay him a coin or two, but never half. this time, it was one of my rare days where i felt generous enough to give him plenty. and this is SILVER coins were talking about. eh. i was still feeling generous. me and him climbed up the rooftop of some persons house. yeah, were minor criminals. what are you going to do about it? you got a problem with it, buddy? you wanna fight? i heard Kian call my name. he tossed me a coke. useful puss. i opened the can and took a long swig.

" how many throats did you need to slit today?” i asked roughly. Kian jumped, then tensed. he stared at the wall that suddenly became more interesting than me as he squirmed.

" two” he murmured softy. i growled.

" speak up, man!” i barked.

" two!” he said louder. i knew damn well that’s what he said the first time, but i felt mean now. did i ever tell you i was bipolar? i don’t like to talk about it. it drives me nuts when people i know mention it. anyways, it makes my emotions go bonkers. one minute I’m happy as a clam, the next im ready to kill you and burn your face off. i laughed and patted Kian’s back roughly.

" eh, don’t sound so ashamed about it! it’ll be a hard life for you if you think that you can get through body free!” speaking of which, if Kian sold that skinny yet in-shape body like his, along with the kinky ears and tail, it would fetch him a pretty penny…. not like he’d have the guts to do that. hes too much of a wimp. he’d either get scared and back out or become a mess and not know what the hell hes doing. it wasn’t worth a shot. i took another long swig of coke. me and Kian started to talk about useless things, like about how poverty sucked and how we needed to find a way of getting an apartment of our own. we didn’t have one, but we really needed to find one. i suppose he was getting tired of having to take off his clothes and drying them by someones outdoor chimney every time it rains. i had to admit, man, i was getting pretty tired of that too. it was such a pain. and what were we going to do once it got freezing cold and the snow started coming? then we would really be screwed. soon, we went to sleep on that very house top, just the two of us.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
167 Reviews


Points: 9791
Reviews: 167

Donate
Sat Jun 17, 2023 7:53 am
DreamyAlice wrote a review...



Hey there, Alice here to give a review!

MY FIRST THOUGHTS

Looks like quite a story, it was a nice light read! It has been in the green room for a while so I thought I will give a review.

Narration/Plot

Not very sure of the storyline, as I have not read the first chapters but yeah looks like David and Kian are two youngsters who have had quite a rough time that have forced them to live like this.

Dialogues/Formatting

Your dialogue writing seemed natural for the character. Just the formatting needs a little work. There was a little unclearness in this dialogue~

" eh, don’t sound so ashamed about it! it’ll be a hard life for you if you think that you can get through body free!

I hope you can edit it out.

Characters

Hmm the one thing that shined was your characters, they both seemed to be complementing each other. David seems to be like the hard and arrogant one, but I do think he has a reason to be this way and he has created this persona around him to be this 'bad guy' Will like to see his character development!

Overall

A nice story overall, looks like you will be just introducing your characters in the first part. Will like to read more works by you.

~A LIL SUGGESTION~
Your narration had some hecticness, I wish you could think about it. It looks like you didn't care about the grammar part of things at all. Grammar does play a vital role in creative writing. Proper grammar is necessary for credibility, readability, communication, and clarity in your narration. I think you did a lot of mistakes in capitalization, and in punctuating the dialogues.

~Maybe you should put commas between lines where you think there is a pause, it helps the flow of the readers.

I’m a lone shark. always have been. always will be.

try using commas instead of full stops everywhere, this line could have been something like-"I'm a lone shark, always have been, and always will be."

Just edit the grammatical mistakes and it will be fine, no big deal:)

Keep Writing👍
-ALICE^-^
Image




User avatar
1023 Reviews


Points: 199
Reviews: 1023

Donate
Thu Apr 20, 2023 2:37 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Looks like Kian and David have got hard lives. There’s not really time for “brotherly love” with everything that is going on. I could be insanely wrong, but I’m sure that David loves Kian. It’s just that the layers of pain has covered that up. Not gonna lie, I feel bad for the both of them. :( I just want to say that I like all of the different stories for the characters and I am excited to get to know every one of them.

I wish you a lovely day/night.




AkiraBaker says...


actually,... ( now has a lit light bulb floating above my head) you just gave me a great idea!



AkiraBaker says...


thanks!





You%u2019re welcome! :)




I am so glad that we can have this middle of the night bonding conversation over deep sinks
— EllieMae