Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
PART ONE: this is the part where we meet the characters and how they got to the mansion. you may skip this if you like. this section of the story is right before all the action for readers who enjoy a little peace in the story rather than all action. . if you would like, you may skip to the second part, where all the characters get into the action. the second part begins after chapter twenty one. there is an instruction manual in the next chapter. this part of the story contains: language, sexuality
i shuttered as i slinked into the allyway. i made sure to keep well hidden under my cloak. one look at my pale skin is a dead giveaway to my race. my pasty skin would become unbearable to the sunlight, and i already know i wouldn’t be able to hide my discomfort. i already know what they would do if they saw my fangs. they’d either kill me, quick and painless, or they would make sure things were much more painful for me. they would take me to dungeons where i would be treated poorly or have guys try to hit on me, then they would saw my fangs off and expose me to sunlight if i squirmed. they would press silver to my skin if i protested or let out even a whimper of pain. if they really wanted to be cruel they would rub holy salt into my hair, tie me up, and then sprinkle it all over my body, where it would blister and burn my skin even more than sunlight. and then, only then, if they found it in their hearts, would they either release me or kill me. either way, it would be complete utter hell. i made sure that my face mask was pulled up and that the hood was pulled over my eyes. i could still see other people well, but people couldn’t see any details about my appearance. that’s why i liked this robe. and i would like to keep it that way. i pulled out my long gloves and put them on. they were so long they reached to my shoulders. they protected me from the light and they revealed no skin. i put on my boots, which went past my knees and to my mid thighs. i liked these boots as well. they were long but comfortable. all in all, i could take my arms and legs out of my coat without revealing my true identity and without being exposed to sunlight. i merged into the main street. i needed to get some groceries, and i needed to do it quickly. i went over to the butchers shop. i pulled out my money wallet and sighed. i had a little less than i expected.
" ill take two rabbits. deskined. uncut.” the man nodded. i was a regular there, but the man never knew my identity.
" you know the cost” he said. of coarse i did. i knew most of these stores and their costs. i chucked two copper coins his way. i didn’t do in in an angry way, just in a whole business-like way. the man wrapped the rabbits in paper like cloth, then handed it to me in a bag. he also gave me two skewer sticks, as upon my request. i usually end up building a fire and cooking my food that way just to avoid the gas bill. that, of coarse, didn’t make much of a difference, but still. it saved me a copper coin or two. not only that, but food tastes better that way. i tucked the bag in my coat. i gave a curt nod and went my way. next, i went to the bakery.
" two loafs of white bread, please. i also want a cup of rice.” i was also a regular here.
" that will be two copper coins” the man said. i paid up. only six coins and a silver coin left. i went to the dairy shop left. i would spend my silver coin here. i got two wedges of cheese and three bottles of milk. i even got two copper coins in return. i walked back to my home. it was a shabby little shack, hardly even called an apartment. it only had two rooms. one was a small bedroom, barely even enough to fit my bed, and another had a small kitchenette. i went into my my house with the smallest refrigerator ever. instead of stuffing everything inside the refrigerator, like i normally do, i was too tired to put it away. i ended up tossing it on the other side of my bed and layed down, my face in my scratchy pillow. i did odd jobs to keep my place and earn my food, even sometimes acting…. a bit unholy, if you know what i mean. that of coarse, was my last resort, but it did earn me a hefty amount of money. im a slut and im good at it. i guess being a girl isn’t so bad after all. i also killed people for the right price. say, ten silver coins? if their stronger than the average hybrid, fifteen? anything to earn my keep, you know? i hope that one day i can have sex with someone and enjoy it. i flopped down on my bed and went to sleep.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hi! I know you said this was just an introductory chapter of sorts, with the option to be skipped, but I must say that this is a very creative way to introduce your characters to the story! I'm not typically one to gravitate toward vampire stories, maybe because of the stigma Twilight has left, but this one already seems interesting. Particularly due to the hints of her being a vampire hybrid, with her skin blistering in sunlight but still being able to eat human food. Her job also sounds interesting, given she'll kill for ten silver coins.
The addition of how vampires and/or vampire hybrids are perceived in this universe was also interesting, with those vivid descriptions of torture. It already sets a very grim and gory mood for a horror story. So, very well executed!
The chapter itself is short and snappy, making a good opening to the story. Easy to read and straight to the point, so we the readers know what we're getting into. Honestly, I'm a little envious. I have no idea why, but I find it almost impossible to write a prologue of any kind without being mysterious and drawn-out about it, and I think a lot of writers make the mistake of putting way too much information into their story openings...But I digress; I like the theme and it's a nice length, that's the point.
If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be to work on your grammar a bit. Your vocabulary and descriptions are lovely, so we get a very clear picture of the setting and situation, but the bulk of your sentences are not properly capitalized, and there are spaces between the starting quotation marks and the sentence beginning, which is a bit unusual. Now, a great story will speak for itself regardless, but it also would just give a more polished appearance and attract more readers (at least in my experience).
Maybe, also, consider breaking up some of the paragraphs? For example, using those first two lines, "I [shudderered] as I slinked into the alleyway. I made sure to stay well hidden under my cloak." Maybe the sentence could be combined ("...slinked into the alleyway, AND made sure to stay well hidden...") followed by a paragraph break, that way it becomes an interesting opening statement. Then, halfway through the following paragraph, make another split to separate the narrator's description from the ongoing situation ("Either way, it would be complete utter hell." [paragraph break] "I made sure that my face mask was pulled up...").
I really hope that made sense...Anyway, this is just my personal opinion based on what I've written and read, and I am by no means a professional.
I give this starter chapter a personal score of 8/10, and I would love to read more soon!
So here's my initial know-nothing reaction: The story seems to be about a vampire, hiding from the locals, living alone and struggling (but used to it.) The story seems to be set in modernish times, but in rather an unindustrialized "world." There are references to face masks and gas bills, but also buying and cooking rabbits whole, stopping by shops that sell only one type of thing, etc. For a short piece of writing, I would say this does an impressive amount of character development. You have a lot of good word choice and some excellent description. The main character certainly captures my attention. Now, all that being said, here are my qualms (take 'em or leave 'em heh heh):
1. You need to work on capitalization and typos. I'm not sure if you're writing on your phone, and that's why so much capitalization is missing, but it can be a huge turn-off to the reader (it's usually a sign of juvenile writing) when, given a chance, any reader would find your writing is anything but juvenile!! It's basically a red flag that does not apply to your writing, but would probably benefit a your reader base quite a bit if you fixed.
2. Try not to get too in-depth in descriptions that your reader is going to find irrelevant right off the bat. An example would be everything that the character buys - You put a lot of detail here which, while it might be important later, is hard to read through when the reader is looking for something to get them hooked before they become fully invested. (That being said, you did say this part can be skipped, so maybe that's why...) And I will add that these deep descriptions feel a little odd when you have told the reader so little about the character herself. All we know about her is where she lives, where she shops, what kinds of jobs she does, and that she's female. We don't know her name, how old she is, or (aside from her skin color) what she looks like. That's perfectly fine, of course - way to cleverly lead your reader on - but it feels funky when we're learning so much about other details of her life that (from the immediate outset anyway) feel less relevant to the kick-off.
Overall, I was impressed with this work. The main character is intriguing, and this short bit of prose really gives the reader a feel for the setting. Great work!
Akira seems lonely. She’ll probably make new friends and enemies later in the mansion, but that won’t be for a while. It’s good that she has clothes to blend herself in, to protect herself. She probably has really cool boots.
She doesn’t seem evil. She does what she can to survive in an unforgivable society. I like her so far. 
I hope that you have a fabulous and fantastic day and night.
thankyou very much! yes, that is true. i hope that i can post a new chapter soon.